Friend often leaves my WhatsApps unread

[Sportymumalwayswashing]

I have a friend who regularly ignores my messages - it’s not that she doesn’t respond, she actually doesn’t read my WhatsApps and leaves them on delivered. Friend (Jen) acts as if I am her best friend when I do see her (dropping off kids etc). 2 weeks ago, DDs met up and I heard about Jen’s husband’s new job (he’s been out of work for a bit), so I sent a WhatsApp saying congrats to your DH, sounds like a great opportunity. I got a message back immediately saying thanks, let’s meet up for a coffee or dog walk. I replied with a couple of options for dates. She hasn’t even opened the message. This is not the first time she has done this - which is why I hadn’t been in touch for a while as she hadn’t opened the message that I sent in October until I sent the congrats one. Am I being unreasonable to think this is incredibly rude and how should I handle it? And why do people do this - does having lots of unopened messages make them feel popular or something?

Oh god I know a couple of people like this too and it’s rude I agree.
some people don’t open messages for ages and I don’t know how they can have that number icon totting up of how many unread messages they have.

My cousin does this. Will leave me on grey ticks for days when I can see she’s been online. I don’t know why she does it and I find it really rude especially when it’s mid conversation and I’m hanging on an answer

I do this sometimes too. It’s because I’m massively overwhelmed and can’t cope with all the messages and the need to reply, so it’s a head in the sand thing for me.

Perhaps she likes you well enough (as she's friendly) but doesn't actually have the energy/time/will to meet up - busy, tired, not in the 1-1 social mood, could be anything and not a personal slight.

Lots of people do say 'we must catch up' but only mean it theoretically! That's been a thing since way before mobiles. The correct answer if she says it again is 'good idea, let me know some dates' - ball back in her court.

You can still be friendly when you see her, just file her under 'acquaintance'

The best social etiquette lesson I ever learned ( embarrassingly late into my 30s) is that when people say “let’s meet for a coffee some time” what they actually mean is “this conversation is at an end and we won’t be meeting for a coffee - I’ll probably just message next time I want something from you.”

I see the preview. Don't normally read the message until I have time and headspace to read and reply properly.

I am Jen and I’m sorry. I have 92 unread WhatsApp messages 453 unread texts and literally tens of thousands of unread emails…My reasoning, which is not an excuse but just letting you know in case it helps to see the other perspective:

My phone overwhelms and distracts me. Everything goes through it and there is no filter of urgent/ can wait. So if I pick up my phone to do something like the shopping or answer a school or work email, I have to block out all of the other notifications from my mind. That quick reply to a friend is a distraction from the task I need to do and would probably take me either down a rabbit hole or into a conversation. I get a preview of all of my messages flash up so I can see if it’s something urgent or can wait.

What I should do is set aside a bit of time each day to reply to people but annoyingly the unread messages don’t stay at the top so I can forget. I know it comes across rude but it isn’t meant to be- I’m just overwhelmed by 24/7 modern communication (I’m only 40 so should be able to cope!).

I really wish we could uninvent the text message, I hate this expectation of being constantly available.

No human 'should be able to cope' - it's not compatible with human brains full stop! The system is overwhelming, deliberately - it isn't a failing in you.

Me too

I understand people are busy but it takes two to have a friendship and communicate, so if she doesn’t respond, I would probably just stop contacting her and make other friends/plans.

A throw away spoken comment, I get, but going to the effort of typing “ let’s meet up” is different. She didn’t have to respond anything more than thanks to the first message. It seems so disingenuous. I’ve known her for years and we’ve been on holiday together twice!

TBH i rarely contact her as the ignoring really gets to me. It is just so rude - and she could have just said thanks to my congrats message, she was the one who sent something that suggested it required a response. It’s beginning to feel like passive aggressive bullying.

If you want to be cross about it, no one can talk you out of it!

But you could decide to not be put out by it.

Your history may be why she feels she should want to see you, but actually for whatever reason - that is no reflection on you or the regard she holds you in - she doesn't really want or feel able to socialise right now.

I have a habit of doing this. It's not that I haven't read the message, but that I've read it in the notification and so not actually opened whatsapp. As a result the other person doesn't get the blue ticks.

It drives DP up the wall.

So in your example OP, I'll have read it, thought "I'll check my calendar when I get home" so not opened Whatsapp to reply immediately. When I get home I'll have forgotten all about it, (because I'm crap like that) and then 3 days later I'll actually go to send a message to someone, see the notification for yours and think "Oh, I need to reply to that now!"

Hi Jen, I'm also Jen.

I'm 48 and you've just taught me this!

Thank you!

I am also Jen 😭

I sometimes leave messages unread as a way mark things that still need to be dealt with/replied to (having read the preview).

Possibly helpful tip for other Jens: I recently learnt that you can mark messages as unread (presumably the sender still gets a blue tick??). You can also pin conversations to the top of the list.

She can see the message without clicking on it and opening it. The fact that her chat with you will still have a little icon showing unread messages may actually act as a reminder to her that when she has time she needs to check out the dates and get back to you. If I’ve been in a WhatsApp convo with someone and they sign off eg the ‘see you soon, take care’ message it will always show as unread til I start another conversation with them as I don’t need to click into it to see what it says.

It could be to do with communication or an intentional withdrawal from the friendship. If it's not the second then she probably doesn't have a good system. My friend has all notifications off and checks her WhatsApp once a day or even 2 days. She replies then, I don't see this as a big deal. If it was urgent id ring her. In fact I think it's very demanding of people to expect immediate replies to things at random hours of the day. I think 24 hours is a reasonable time frame for a reply. I have many group chats like school or activities in locked chats and I check a few times a week, personal chats I keep visible. I might glance during the day at work on a break but don't reply until home time. I'd hate to think of someone raging at me because they didn't get the reply they wanted while I'm busy at work.

Have one or two friends like this. I too find it rude and annoying as everyone is busy but it takes 2 mins to reply or get back to later. I have just taken a step back from these people and don’t contact them.

This is exactly why I wouldn’t have read receipts, last seen or online status available to others.

I do this, but people shouldn’t just expect me to drop everything and reply instantly. It’s rude like my time isn’t valuable and you’re not owed my time. I reply when I do have time.

I have a friend like this and while I find it frustrating at times I know this is how she is generally across the board with texts and whatsapp. She finds her phone and the expectation of being always accessible overwhelming so doesn’t check it frequently. However, when we do meet up she’s very much focused and present in the conversation and not distracted by her phone so I do see her point.