What is fair in this situation?

[Swellingtonboots]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We don’t live together and have no plans to as we both have children still at home.

He stays over at my house two to three nights a week. I have a small mortgage and he rents. I very rarely stay at his as he lives an hour away and I don’t drive. I’ve maybe stayed over at his a couple of times a year.

He pays for 98 percent of meals out/ days out and dates. If we go away for the weekend or on holiday we pay for our own half.

I earn about £20,000 and he earns £50,000. He stayed over this week and used my electricity to charge his laptop and phone, showered and enjoyed my cooking and it got me wondering if he should be contributing at all to the household bills in some way. I’m not sure if that would even be reasonable or how I would even bring it up! Maybe I’m overthinking it.

I know his rent is double what I pay for my mortgage and he also must spend a lot on petrol driving to and from his area to make the effort to see me. He is an amazing partner. Kind, supportive and thoughtful. He always washes up after I cook etc

Would love some advice.
Thanks

No. He pays his share. Greedy of u .

Ha that's more than a teenager! If you asked him to pop to the shop to get ingredients for dinner would he? Or a takeaway every now and then?

That's good then.
I don't know why I'm obsessing with sex! Try cutting the portions down when you cook when he is there. You seem to be resenting him for something. I think that's why I'm obsessing with sex cos it's usually when that fizzles out you notice the other irritants at least that's my experience.

It is difficult! Many people have to do it though.

I really don’t resent him. I love you feeding him it’s just I’m struggling financially so every bit adds up I guess. The sex isn’t fizzling so no need to worry!

We never get takeaways but he will ask if there’s anything I need bringing over but I’ve already cooked by then. He will bring me chocolates 🍫

Are you making the cake for your kids and he just happens to be there or making cakes for him? If just for him stop the cakes etc and breakfasts he can have fruit for dessert and a bowl of cereal for breakfast. You are not a bnb.

Then from no one your answer is a dessert and whatever you need for breakfast tomorrow xx

Then it’s a bit more fair as he is eating life a teenage boy like someone else said.

I guess so. I know the cost of fruit has gone up a lot, I have started buying some of it frozen but the berries aren’t great.

I try to do lots of baking in general because it works out cheaper. I’ll always make things I know he’ll like when he’s coming over.

I agree with pp - ask him to bring dessert/breakfast items

Also, serve up a plate for your lunch and put it in the fridge before you put the dish on the table

I actually don’t think the current arrangement is fair. He’s basically living with you nearly 50% of the time. That will be costing you a lot of extra money, yes he’s paying for petrol and two meals out a month but I’d be inclined to tell him you’re struggling and come to some arrangement.
Maybe go out for a meal once a month and he buys ingredients for at least one meal a week for the whole family?

And tell me you aren’t doing his washing and ironing because you are providing him with food for half of the week and probably cleaning up after him because he likes your house more than his.

Definitely not! 😂😂

Good! 😆

I think if he's paying almost everything when you go out, and has the cost of driving to you all the time, you have a very good deal.

This

@Swellingtonboots id just calculate what extra cost him being at yours 3 days a week is for food and heating (showers etc) and ask him to contribute that much to cover the cost of it?

it does add up feeding an extra (especially a large appetite) nearly half the week. and he’s saving the money by not being at home eating his food and using his hot water etc.

paying when you go out is a different thing. My partner pays most the time when we occasionally go out. This is because he earns double what I do, he’s the one wanting to go out and drink, I rarely drink more than one large wine a night and often stick to non alcoholic drinks or brews.

good look sorting it out.

Have you ever been to his house?

You're very unreasonable to think he owes you for visiting you, but I wonder if your mind has subconsciously spotted a different red flag?

i think its sounds quite balanced.
He does the travelling and the associated costs.(you dont have those costs)
He pays for meals out almost always.
You host him when he's at yours.(food,electricity)
If he said if you split the costs of my costs as above, ill split the costs of yours
Would it be fairly even?
My guess is it would but you could work it out to the penny if you like.
If you are struggling i dont think it unreasonable to discuss it with him and see what he thinks

Yes I’ve stayed at his house probably 5 times a year. No red flags, he’d definitely divorced and has his sons 50/50 with his ex wife.

Wtf is actually wrong with you ??? Really!

Do you speak to people like this in real life?

You know it’s always worth reading at least all of an OP’s posts. She exited a very long term abusive relationship so is confused about what is acceptable / normal etc, understandably, in this new relationship. A bit of kindness for that wouldn’t go amiss would it? She’s not harmed anyone, your post is so OTT it’s bizarre.

Cook less food. Dish everyone up on their plates, not in a self-serve bowl on the table, so there are no second helpings available. Cut out the deserts. Don't have any home made cake available when he comes over.
Stop offering breakfast to take away.
Just offer less food, or cheaper food.
All of this is within your control.

OR
Decide you are happy to feed him huge amounts, and this is a luxury that you are happy to pay for.

Looks like I can’t get any help as I have £10,000 in savings that I got as an inheritance when my mother died. I was hoping to renovate my bathroom as it’s in desperate need as I bought a very run down property after my divorce. I guess I’ll just use that and when it’s run out I’ll apply again.