What is fair in this situation?

[Swellingtonboots]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We don’t live together and have no plans to as we both have children still at home.

He stays over at my house two to three nights a week. I have a small mortgage and he rents. I very rarely stay at his as he lives an hour away and I don’t drive. I’ve maybe stayed over at his a couple of times a year.

He pays for 98 percent of meals out/ days out and dates. If we go away for the weekend or on holiday we pay for our own half.

I earn about £20,000 and he earns £50,000. He stayed over this week and used my electricity to charge his laptop and phone, showered and enjoyed my cooking and it got me wondering if he should be contributing at all to the household bills in some way. I’m not sure if that would even be reasonable or how I would even bring it up! Maybe I’m overthinking it.

I know his rent is double what I pay for my mortgage and he also must spend a lot on petrol driving to and from his area to make the effort to see me. He is an amazing partner. Kind, supportive and thoughtful. He always washes up after I cook etc

Would love some advice.
Thanks

One of the first posts I've seen where the man staying in the woman's house is actually NOT a freeloading cunt. How refreshing!

I think if you are happy I would start by looking to see if there is anything you can do with your own budget. The increased cost of living is a real thing but he will be experiencing that too.

Once you have had a look at your own expenses and outgoings you can then maybe have a chat about what you have found out / where you need to cut down but not in a “you owe me £2 for a shower” kind of way.

Unless he eats a huge amount - does he? - he is not the one making life more expensive for you by water / electricity use.

I would look at reducing how much you spend on food, eg cooking pasta instead of steak.

You earn about 20k, do you get any benefits @Swellingtonboots

I’m definitely not cooking steak 😂😂

We don’t have meals out all the time. Maybe twice a month. It’s hard to have free time together without the children.

I work full time. I don’t have any expensive outgoings except for my food bill really. I do like myself and the children to eat well though.

Thanks for the feedback. Food for thought for sure.

I’ve never looked into it to be honest. I’ve recently started claiming the child benefit I couldn’t get when married as my ex husband was a high earner.

Op, the fact that you even think this is really bad. He spends 2 hours travelling to you and back, that’s probs £20 in petrol, 2 hours in time, pays for you to go out, and you’re thinking of charging him the 1p your electricity went up?!

Ah. Now your OP makes sense.

It’s not a man’s job to fund you OP, especially when you’re not living together and have no children together. Appreciate it’s tough to go from having a high earning husband to having to support yourself, but it’s really not his job to do that, even though he’s already supporting you by doing all the travelling and paying for most things.

I wasn’t thinking of charging about pennies. It was more the general cost of staying over a few times a week. I cook dinner and make his breakfast to take with him to work too. I’m just finding things tough at the moment that’s all and my mind wondered. I can see it was an unreasonable thought and I won’t be bringing it up with him.

I am extremely grateful for him and the effort he makes. I’ve offered to go to his but he says my place is nicer and he would have to spend ages cleaning his place to make it ready for me! I also have my children near on full time as my ex works away. He has 3 free nights a week to see me and partake in his hobbies etc

How do you only earn £20k if you work full time? Minimum wage is around £25k now full time, so you should be earning that or more?

I certainly don’t expect a man to fund my lifestyle at all. I actually let my ex because he was financially and emotionally controlling and abusive. I’ve also always worked full time in a very rewarding but low paid profession.

I should say I come out with about £20,000 after tax/ pension/ NI is taken off and the full time equivalent would be higher but I work pro rata and term time only.

You need to go on the entitledto website asap OP as I am sure you would qualify for some universal credit.

edited as question I asked already answered

I work 37.5 hours a week. I get £1,535 wages paid into my bank each month.

Actually works out less than £19,000 when I look at it like that!

That makes more sense if you’re not working full time and your salary is actually a bit higher before tax and pension. In which case if you’re now supporting yourself and DCs and are struggling a bit with COL it might be worth you looking for a full time job?

Go on to the turn to us benefit calculator I bet your are entitled to UC top up.

i wouldn’t ask for bills contribution no especially given his petrol costs are probably higher. You could as he pays towards food from time time.

It wouldn’t even enter my mind to charge him anything. If anything you should start contributing more equally if you can afford to. Phone charging. Seriously?

He travels an hour to you
He pays for nearly all the meals out and dates
Yabu he is more than paying his way

I do work full time?

You need to claim universal credit asap. If you have a mortgage you won’t get a housing element but you’re missing out on about £300 or more a month on top of child benefit!

You don’t if you work term time only. You’d get a reasonable amount more money coming in if you worked year round.

Term time only is full time work if you work full time during the term. Are teachers all part timers?

Until my children are older this is all I can manage as I don’t have family and my ex works away for most of the year so I don’t have childcare.

I would check https://www.entitledto.co.uk and also have you checked the CMS calculator to ensure your ex is paying enough in child maintenance.