What is fair in this situation?

[Swellingtonboots]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We don’t live together and have no plans to as we both have children still at home.

He stays over at my house two to three nights a week. I have a small mortgage and he rents. I very rarely stay at his as he lives an hour away and I don’t drive. I’ve maybe stayed over at his a couple of times a year.

He pays for 98 percent of meals out/ days out and dates. If we go away for the weekend or on holiday we pay for our own half.

I earn about £20,000 and he earns £50,000. He stayed over this week and used my electricity to charge his laptop and phone, showered and enjoyed my cooking and it got me wondering if he should be contributing at all to the household bills in some way. I’m not sure if that would even be reasonable or how I would even bring it up! Maybe I’m overthinking it.

I know his rent is double what I pay for my mortgage and he also must spend a lot on petrol driving to and from his area to make the effort to see me. He is an amazing partner. Kind, supportive and thoughtful. He always washes up after I cook etc

Would love some advice.
Thanks

I agree with others OP - I understand why you’re struggling, but it’s not for him to subsidise you and your children.

Check what you’re entitled to, including childcare wise. Then you can work full time and hopefully be a bit better off.

You may find the difference in his pay is largely swallowed up by his rent being double your mortgage and petrol/car related costs. And student loan if he’s got one. He may not actually have all that much more left over and be saving for a house on top, unless the plan is to live together in your current property eventually.

This plus surely he brings some benefits. Like decent sex? How good is that if you are wanting pennies for using a phone charger.

You work 39 weeks a year?

Are you also registered for free school meals? I’m pretty sure you’d qualify. In most areas, children on FSM can also access free holiday clubs and even food vouchers in school holidays. Also some schools subsidise things like uniform and trip costs for children on FSM, though you may need to ask for these rather than them offering.

No the threshold for FCM is much lower. In my area anyway.

I agree when you have been in an abusive relationship you are open to being abused again. But what you have described doesn't seem like cocklodger territory.
Seems like you have a reasonable arrangement. You haven't said he's taking advantage like bringing a few loads of washing etc.

Wasn’t trying to start a “let’s bash everyone that works in education” thread. There are enough of those as it is.

This

I think he is more than covering the cost of showers and recharging laptop/phone by travelling to you every time (saving you fuel/public transport costs) and paying for most of the outings. Absolutely no way you should be asking him for money.

I guess my badly made point is that if you are working in a school and things are tight for money, there is scope to bring more money in if you only work term time.

I’m so pleased that despite the snipping at OP this thread might mean she’s £600-800+ better off every month! Best of luck OP, it’s better to be hyper vigilant after an abusive relationship than under vigilant. Well done for getting out of the abusive one x

He definitely isn’t abusive. I think I’m just hyper alert and quite nervous about not seeing red flags this time etc. I was with my ex from being very young and this is my only other relationship.

I can now see electricity won’t amount to much. I probably pay far more in food bills than he would spend on dates in a month but it must even up with the fuel costs of coming over to see me. Therefore I’m not bringing it up.

Thank you to everyone that’s been helpful. Hopefully my financial situation can improve short term until my children are older and I don’t need term time only.

Also if you did find any short term work opportunities in school holidays, remember that once on universal credit you will receive 85% of holiday childcare costs for school aged children, up to a maximum of £1,014.63 per month for one child or £1,739.37 for two or more children. This covers registered holiday clubs, childminders, and breakfast/after-school care.

If he's driving to you,petrol won't be cheap so you paying for his food etc is only fair.

It seems pretty fair in the grand scheme of things and I am someone who attracts cocklodgers. Once the benefits (hence my mention of sex ) fizzle you start looking at is it worth it. That is the only reason I mention the S word cos sometimes you think great this is best ever then the next minute you have a cocklodgers in your bed.
I would continue with term time as long as possible. That's your business.

Yes get him to contribute and pay for what he uses at your house
then you pay for 1/2 the dates and meals
he’ll be made up you’ll save him a fortune

petrol is dear. we dont know how many miles he drives but if he’s driving two hours it must be well over a tenner possibly nearer £18 if town not motorway driving.

the additional wear and tear on his car adds up too. plus itll be worth less when sold with a higher mileage. so it’s at least £20 a go.

I cannot remember if the two hours is a single or return journey but if he’s spending that each way it’s a lot of money, £40 worth to come see you and return. Are you spending that on his food and electricity. i’d suggest not.

Or the other way to see it would be how much it would cost you to go to his. Maybe £20 return on the train wirh a bit of a walk or a bus?

Obviously ive no idea but i dont think he owes you anything.

All the best with getting benefits, it can really change your life. make that your upmost priority.

It’s definitely more than sex. He supported me last year through very ill health. He really stepped up. He’s a good guy.

Exactly, sounds like he is the one getting the worse end here.

I’m not sure you’ve read the full thread but I stated earlier that I’ve offered many times to go to his but he says my house is nicer and he would have to spend too long cleaning and organising for it to be “ready” (his words)

If you're already feeding a family, feeding one extra person doesn't need to cost more than going out for a meal a couple of times per month. Make family meals like risotto, pasta, chilli, fried rice etc using the same amount of meat that you would normally and increase the quantity of the cheaper ingredients to accommodate the extra person - rice/salad/veg/pasta/bread.

I do. He works a very manual job and has a huge appetite. When he doesn’t stay over I will use the leftovers for lunch, when he’s there he will often have second helpings. Last night he had two large bowls of spaghetti bolognese with a side salad and 2 homemade garlic flatbreads. Then had desert I’d made, fruit and a homemade cake later. He takes breakfast I’ve made with him to eat at work.

"I very rarely stay at his as he lives an hour away and I don’t drive."

From your OP.

How are you managing to run a home and support your family on £20K?

If I was him, I’d be offering to buy food to bring over or a desert or something! An extra person to feed 3x a week, adds up.