Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

Perhaps check it out with a solicitor first? They might have to write a formal letter to him stating that you’re doing this?

When you say supporting a prosecution have you relayed that to the police and provided formal evidence? Without you providing your evidence by a video recorded interview (or written statement but video would be much more appropriate) then you really need to do this as otherwise the likelihood of bail conditions ending are much more likely. You are being so strong and good on you for supporting the police - you are doing amazing

Have you been back to the police OP and made sure they know you support prosecution? I would hate for them to drop it due to lack of evidence if they just have your earlier wobble on file.

I would speak to your DV support about his stuff. Ask about an occupation order, a non-mol and divorce to legally get him out of the house - all of which should help with getting rid of the stuff.

I would expect them to ask for a restraining order when it goes to court, which would solve the problem, but that could be a way off and you don't want to just be sat there surrounded by his stuff until then.

I provided a 2.5 hour video interview on the date he was arrested. I did want to revoke my support for it all at the beginning when I was going through the trauma of our family being left shattered because of his arrest and bail conditions.

But now, I'm supporting it, the OIC knows, everyone knows.

I've enquired about a non-mol but they won't issue one unless he breaches his bail conditions. They have booked me in for another call three weeks before his bail comes to an end but there's no guarantee it'll be passed.

My IDVA didn't have any suggestions about his belongings. She just explained that he's liable for his half of the bills, especially the tenancy and i shouldn't be paying for it all. The catch 22 is if I was to do that then I would quite rightly be served with a Section 21 for non payment of rent. At the moment I feel like a free rental unit for him.

My ex was given a 2hr window to come and get his personal belongings as his business tools were here. I went out and locked the house. His stuff was in garage

He can also get a friend or family member to collect. Ive still got loads of his stuff feom emptying attic etc.

lovely update OP. I finally got my philandering ex out last week (mumsnet was right - there is always an OW!) and have started "decluttering". I'm getting my family round to help at the weekend. I'm planning on telling him, via email, that his stuff is in the garage and he can collect it by X date and after that I'll be arranging for house clearance to collect whatever is left. I'm really looking forward to being free of all of his rubbish! So much ugly useless crap just going :)

How did you get this setup? Did you contact the police or did he contact the police? My last couple of calls with my OIC haven't given me the most faith. They asked if I knew where he was staying which I don't, they asked for his registration plates when they had them already from the initial arrest, they asked the makes and models of the vans when they could have looked themselves, they asked for his email addresses. I don't have the biggest faith that they will contact him to arrange collection of his belongings

I wish I had a way of contacting him to send him an email but I'm not sure he has access to it given his phones were retained by the police.

He has setup a new Facebook profile though. I could message him through that I suppose.

Do not contact him. The Police can help you organise a window for him to collect his stuff go though them.

Section 21 no longer exists, it'd be section 8 now (since 1 May). You'd have to be 3 months behind in rent before a court kicks you out. And it'd likely be a while before it even goes to court. https://www.gov.uk/private-renting/rent-arrears

There are alternatives to a non-mol or an occupation order, this lists them:
https://www.davss.org.uk/injunctions-and-orders-to-protect-victims-of-domestic-abuse/

Consider complaining to the police if they're losing information. First go beyond the OIC, then consider making an official complaint.

Can you send a message through a family member or friend?

Dear @PotatoSalad12 do NOT contact him.

That sends him a message that you're wavering. So far, he's figured out that you're glad he's gone. Don't get in touch please, whatever you do.

These types are dangerous when crossed and if he believes you're wanting to talk, he'll jump straight in and hound you.

I'm glad you've collected all his stuff together. That's a very cathartic process.

Don't do this. He will then breach bail conditions and say contact was initiated by you, which will be true.

OP - Your update is brilliant and you are doing amazingly 🥰
You already sound like a completely different person. You are you again and you are great!
As @Beaniebobbins said, can you arrange collection via a third party? I sorted mine with a relative of my ex and stayed away. If there are no friends or relatives can it be done via communication via solicitors? I wouldn’t get in touch myself even via Facebook.
Have you got any CCTV, a ring doorbell for example? They are very good for recording any breaches of bail. If you would be comfortable to, maybe talk to any neighbours so they can keep a look out and let you or the police know if he breaches his conditions. You can apply for non mol via DV Assist online, but I don’t know whether they would overlap with the bail conditions.

To help a bit with confidence on some of the police stuff, it’s pretty standard to ask for make and model alongside registration plate. One error in a registration play can get you nothing is the wrong vehicle (either in it being given or taken down / transferred between notes), when you add the make and model it makes for a very easy cross check that the info has been recorded correctly.

council tax - apply for single person discount for now even if its only three months worth

Make a UC application as you may be entitled to a top up.

check out and download work policies on absences to check what they are supposed to be doing - they certainly shouldn't be putting you on a warning etc in my view - thats awful

Whatever you do, do not contact him.

You may have to hold onto his belongings until either he asks for them (which can happen via the Police - due to the bail) or via a solicitor if you initiate a divorce.

If you get a solicitor you could ask them whether they could legally contact a relative to sort it out. I was allowed to contact my abuser's next of kin.

This isn’t true. The police will often advise that the victim arrange returning of property through a friend. He does not need to reply - OP send a message to a mutual friend informing them that you have your husbands belongings and can said friend collect them? Be clear that you don’t want to engage with him directly.
there will be no consequence for the OP contacting him first (via friend) - only the husband can breach his bail conditions and that is his responsibility only and he won’t be able to use in his defence that she has initiated contact

Ok, I've heard you all loud and clear - do not attempt to contact him myself - makes sense really doesn't it?!

Those who are in contact with him have cut me off so I don't have any third parties to reasonably rely on to pass the message on. I am planning on speaking to a solicitor this week so I'll ask them the question as I would like to start divorce proceedings ASAP. It's going to take forever and I am DONE with him.

Your ex can ask the police to attend your property to collect his things, that way he is not breaking his bail and you are not initiating contact. I think if your does not contact the police to do this you may be able to contact them on his behalf. You’re doing amazing! Xx

OP, you are incredible. I only saw your thread yesterday and my heart sank as I read your early posts, but then watching your grit come through flipped everything. I’m sorry you received so many awful comments when your situation was so clear as to why you initially felt as you did. I hope you’re able to keep us updated - I’m cheering you on 💐

you are doing SO well. It will be hard but so worth it to be rid of him x

OP. You don’t need a solicitor to start the divorce process. Just go online. Fill the form in. Pay £612. Out of joint account / joint funds if possible.

Dont message him, it will be seen a deliberate act to antagonise him and break his bail conditions. Do you not have contact with his family?

My exs solicitor facilitated via the court for him to get his stuff.