Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

Sorry, I'm not explaining this well. I'm trying to say that I have not been able to walk the dogs with just me and the kids. If it was suggested that I was going to take them out somewhere (anywhere - not just dog walks!), he would become incredibly grumpy and offended that I would want to do something like that without him. So we would either not do it or we would do it with him while he spent the whole time sulking/being miserable.

The only time I've been able to take the dogs out by myself is when he's not been at home with me so usually during the week when I'm working from home and he's out and about doing his job. All other times, he had to come with me.

Four dogs and two young kids? Not sure I’d be up for that personally!

Luckily it’s not your life, nor your circumstances.

No, thank goodness!

OP, great you’re making this incredible progress. Keep your eye on the future. And watch as your children thrive in their new happy home.

You’re free OP! Onwards and upwards. I am happy for you and your children (and the dogs). Xx

OP when you've been living under someone's coercive control for an extended period of time, it can feel incredibly destabilising when you're suddenly given your freedom. People can struggle with decision making and have a feeling that they're 'doing something wrong' hanging over them. Give yourself time - you sound like you're doing really well but be kind to yourself. I hope you can get some support for navigating this new reality. And I hope that in time, it will feel like a positive and a new start, even though the actual process has been so stressful and worrying for you 💐

As pp said- give yourself time to heal and discover what normal life is like to most people who don't live in abusive relationships.

@PotatoSalad12 - you are doing so, so well - I hope you are feeling justly proud of yourself! I wish there was more I could do, but I am thinking of you and sending you lots of love and encouragement.

The dog walks with the kids sound great - especially as the days are getting longer. What sort of dogs do you have? We have two, and I know they are great at picking up when I need a bit of comfort, and coming to give me a cuddle.

Well done! You should be really proud of yourself!

I wish I had been as brave as you. I was in a marriage full of coercive control and verbal abuse (he also came home drunk every single evening), but my H refused to move out. I could have gone to DM's and taken the DC with me, but I felt it would have been too disruptive for them. They would have missed their friends terribly, particularly my DD.

In the end, I stuck it out for another year, by which time he had got himself in so much debt, and I told him that technically, his creditors could put a charge on the house. I definitely didn't want that as I had put a big deposit on the house through working extremely hard during my twenties. Turned out, he didn't want that either, and agreed to move out on the Friday. By the Friday, he said he couldn't find anywhere to live, so I picked up the local paper and found him a bedsit about a mile away. He certainly wasn't expecting that!

In those days, coercive control wasn't really a 'thing', so to get my divorce, I had to tell my solicitor about the time that H had tried to strangle me when I was eight and a half months pregnant with our DS. H then had to go and swear an affidavit with another solicitor. He wasn't generally physically violent, but this was one of the few times he was.

Coercive control moulds you into thinking you are useless and can't manage on your own, but we all can. I wish I had done something sooner, but it wasn't so easy in those days.

Your future is looking so much brighter now, OP. Onwards and upwards!

I understand the guilt, I still occasionally have that, but you have to remember that it is HIS decisions that have removed him from this lovely life you are making. He chose to to treat you like he did, he chose to make dog walks with the children horrible, he chose to stop you living this free life.

It’s great you are already seeing bright spots in these hard days.

You’ve got this. Remember that in the difficult moments. You’ve got this.

It sounds like your DC are already enjoying this freedom, their lives will be so much easier too.

I'm really happy to see your updates @PotatoSalad12

You're starting to break free.
You're starting not to be afraid of normal life.

Your children will be feeling so much calmer. And you, of course.

The dogs certainly have been a great comfort. I had the youngest dog sleep on the bed last night with me and it was wonderful - especially as they were usually banned.

They are all the same large working breed (happy to PM which breed but I don't want to be accidentally identified by them as not many people have four of these 🤣)

The oldest dog is certainly acting more aloof than usual. He was very much my husband's dog and likely misses him a lot.

OP I am delighted to hear your updates. You are doing so much so quickly and the best part is you are having moments when you are seeing the brightening of your life.

I think animals can be a huge comfort and it is great that you can take the dogs out with your children and do things your way.

Of course you will shed tears and there will be things that will be hard to navigate but it is so good that you have set the boundary. I know that there were things about my DH that I missed and I felt huge guilt about our DC growing up with a single parent. However, it was what I had to do and they have flourished.

It makes me so sad to read the posts from people who regret not calling it earlier. I think we all do our best in the situations we find ourselves in and it is incredibly hard to find strength to make a massive change when you are ground down and at your lowest.

Love and strength to you OP and to all those who are in or have been in these terrible situations.

Ah yes, I remember that rebellious feeling when I first let the dogs sleep on the bed. I also took the tv out of the bedroom and put plants in its place, just another little f* you moment. Enjoy them. The dogs on the bed, and the moments.

We love a “f you” moment, I got my nose pierced. I had it pierced before I met my ex and 3 years into our relationship he said he hated it and it really gave him the ick.. so I took it out.. the day I left I took myself to the tattoo shop and got both sides pierced. I love it so much more now. Loveeee it. I also dyed my hair blonde because he said he’d never date blondes. 🤣

looking back OP, there were plenty of hard moments that made me shudder, but for every one of those there were 10 of the above that just made me smile again. I am so excited for you to experience all of that for yourself and your children.

Oh my god! Yes to the nose piercing! I have two in one nostril, and he always hated it when I wore a nose ring - he said it reminded him of cattle. So, guess what I'm wearing. A bloody nose ring!

I do keep getting pangs of guilt. There's a load of his work clothes in the laundry basket and he took his mum's engagement ring which he gave to me early in our relationship. I had to go to Lidl today and it was only to buy things for me and the kids. Silly little things I know but they feel gigantic.

Then there's this new feeling where I'm now worried that at any point, the police could NFA the case and pull the bail conditions rug from under my feet. Something I would have welcomed this time last week is now something I am seriously pondering.

Wow, you have come so far already!
I hope the nose ring makes you smile every time you see it 😀
It’s a massive adjustment. Be patient with yourself.
Cuddle your gorgeous kids and enjoy sleeping with the dog (s?) on the bed.

Honestly, it’s ok and good that you’re weighing up the possibilities. Unfortunately, the police sometimes get it wrong. It’s not always plain sailing but I pray and hope that you don’t have to deal with such fate. Use the time to continue building your strength, you’re doing all of the right things. Pop his washing in a bag, should anyone want to collect it or even to just remove it from your eyeline.

My case suddenly went NFA, to this day I’m still not sure why as they had pictures of injuries and he admitted to the assault.. BUT.. I utilised the support of social workers and they helped me approach family court and get protection through that avenue.

You have so many options, it isn’t just police action, court hearing for DA etc.. so even if the worst case scenario does happen, it’s never ever the end of the road, just a detour to the same destination of freedom and peace.

Then there's this new feeling where I'm now worried that at any point, the police could NFA the case and pull the bail conditions rug from under my feet. Something I would have welcomed this time last week is now something I am seriously pondering

It seems to me unlikely in the extreme that this will happen.

After all, there has been a social work referral and a MARAC has been set up. This only happens in serious cases.

Have you asked Women's Aid for advice? Have you instructed a solicitor?

I have two bernese mountain dogs - you surely don't have 4 of those?!!

Yes that is true. I might talk through these feelings with my IDVA tomorrow so that she can maybe represent these thoughts at the MARAC on Tuesday.

I'm going to try and get through to WA tomorrow. Their response time is incredibly long and i usually end up running out of time waiting.

I know this seems silly, but what would I be instructing a solicitor for? This hadn't even occurred to me as something I might need to do.

Ha! No, not BMDs but not far off!

Hi OP you are doing brilliantly!! Having sat in MARAC’s that is exactly what your advocate needs to be saying. Where I work we only see the 10-14 most serious incidents that week at MARAC, so the police must be concerned.

Unfortunately having been in and out of safeguarding work for a long time - its highly unlikely all your kids will have seen is the silent treatment, they will of absolutely noticed the atmosphere, you being stressed and life being difficult. The more you are away from him the easier if will be - you now need to safeguard your kids, you need to ensure he can never make life difficult for you all again. Take everything offered to you, courses, police support, legal
support (take it all) bump up your security, this is a priority.

DO NOT believe he will change or that he feels bad and NEVER take him back - you owe it to yourself and your kids to live in peace and in safety.

OP you are doing magnificently. Well done. That first week was hard with your life turned upside down. And the guilt of thinking you had got him into trouble by disclosing - that guilt comes from the abuse he put you through. Now comes the consequences of his actions. But more importantly, now comes your and your childrens' healing. Slow and steady, one day at a time, with a good few wobbles thrown in for good measure, but you will get there and you will be free.