Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

OP. Something similar boat here. I’m the higher earner. OH been arrested and bailed not allowed to come here / no unsupervised contact with kids / cannot contact me.

the police referred me to one of the local
domestic abuse services. They can refer you for counselling and to a programme, like the Freedom Programme, so you can begin to understand what you have been dealing with. How to recognise signs of abuse. Whst healthy relationships look like.

they can provide kid specific support too. As kids see and hear more than we would ever like to admit.

the service can also support with non molestation and occupation orders.

you will need therapy. No therapist will support couples therapy tho as he is an abuser.

I hope the Sw visit went ok. This will likely be the 1st of many.

we have a sw visit every week. And originally I was in complete denial
however. My therapist has been helpful here.

you do have to be careful not to align yourself with him or your suitability to keep the kids safe will be questioned.

With regard to a solicitor's advice - it's for the divorce.

Your husband sounds the type to try to shaft you financially.

You need to protect yourself and your children.

I presume they mean instructed a solicitor regarding divorce, as I can see no other reason you would require one.

OP, give police a statement. It doesn’t mean he will definitely get charged but it gets everything out there and on record, and it means the bail conditions will remain for longer than they might otherwise with no victim complaint.

Have you discussed a non-molestation order with anyone yet? Speak to your IDVA about it is not. And an occupation order so that if the bail conditions are lifted, he can’t just return and start living there again.

our case has also been to MARAC. This really brought home to me how serious the situation here had been.

and in our situation the police and SW are concerned that I am making plans for civil
orders to replace the bail conditions if / when they come to an end. As police are concerned in case there is insufficient evidence to go ahead with a prosecution. You may need a solicitor for this. Divorce is a separate process and you don’t necessarily need a solicitor for that. You can make the application yourself. .

once bail conditions end there is nothing to stop OH returning to the family home, unless I have put in place a non mol and occupation order.
Hence you need solicitor or to do it yourself with support from a domestic abuse service.

in my case he continues to deny the allegations and expresses an interest in returning home. Sw very alarmed by this so looking to me to take next step with the applications for the non mol and occupation order.

it’s a lot whilst trying to hold down a job!

I live in the south too and police put me in touch with a domestic abuse service locally. Worth asking your lead police officer and your SW if there is someone who can provide support.
(Rather than you trying to wait on the line for WA for example - they often have a liason they can deal with more efficiently)

Any RL support? Close friends?

For your divorce. A man like this is probably going to try to dictate the terms - he'll talk about what he'll "agree to" and "give" you and stuff like that. He'll try to get you to agree to things with just him, without involving a solicitor. Don't fall for it. EVERYTHING goes through the solicitor - and, if need be, the court.

My mother used the silent treatment on us and my brother and I are way too focused on meeting other people's needs as adults - i have been told in therapy that it's because I was so focused on my mum and her moods and anticipating her. I also can't cope with silence - I think my husband isn't talking to me for example if he is just engrossed in something like watching football and, though I know on a rational level that he isn't ignoring me, it triggers the anxiety and worry I had as a child when my mother did it. So I can rationalise it, but the feelings still crop up in my body.

Apparently body based stuff like drumming is supposed to be good for this sort of reaction. Also equine therapy and eft.

Gosh, you are doing so well. It's only been a short time and look how far you've come. And that's with the work situation on top of it.
Everyday you will be noticing new freedoms and so will your children. Don't be surprised if they mention something you hadn't noticed before, even though you say you didn't believe they were aware of your situation.
I have been recently widowed and am using the "new normal" phrase a lot. Hopefully soon we will both reach a stage where everything is just 'normal', although I know my situation is different.

Well I’m guessing 4 dogs are a lot for one person to manage. Bit easier if you have two each. Especially if they’re big dogs you can’t expect dc to control a big dog.

But she was able to walk them alone? Let’s not diminish the fact that it was clearly a control mechanism

Are you doing ok for money? Job ok?

How are things going @PotatoSalad12
I hope you and the children are okay.

I didn't say I took them all out at once. And the kids are far too small to take one of them. My point was that I was not allowed to take the dogs out without him also making sure he came with me/us. The only time I could go out for a dog walk alone was when he was out at work and wasn't there to prevent it.

Waiting for payday on the 30th. I've submitted a UC claim and waiting for them to call me to verify my identity or something like that. Job is weird and I've been summoned to head office on Thursday so I'll report back on that one!

Oh dear, that sounds like it has the potential to make you anxious.
Are you in a trade union?

Up and down! Thank you for checking. My DD is struggling at the moment, she misses him a lot and is upsetting herself with the thought of us not being together anymore and not seeing him again. It's tough.

However, the mood changed drastically at bedtime when one of the dogs chased a mouse around my DS's bedroom having found its way through the old fireplace and into his stash of Christmas chocolate. The belly laughs from those two kids at my shrieking when it ran over my leg when I was trying to catch it in some tupperware they had found was hilarious. Mouse 1 - Mum 0.

They have now named it Snowflake and we have no idea when it will next come back.

So I'm taking positives in these silly moments because I'm trying to get them to really outweigh the dark, guilt-ridden moments.

On another note, the police have now emailed me to find out if there are any relations or friends who potentially witnessed anything to do with the coercive and controlling behaviour that could assist them with their investigation. Sadly the answer is no, as absolutely no one knew.

The children knew.
How old are they?

8 and 10. The SW is meant to be meeting them at school this week individually but no one, including the school, has heard anything about this yet.

I think you need to prepare yourself for them both to disclose a lot more stuff than you imagine they've picked up on.

I was wondering if statements made by children can be used to support a prosecution.

Is there nobody at your workplace who you confided in? Clearly, a couple of weeks ago, there were some difficult scenes, which have caused you problems with your bosses.

Is there not a friend at your work who you told about your husband's abuse?

I was too ashamed of mine to tell anyone. Too ashamed to admit to anyone what was going on.
Maybe you're the same.

It wasn't till my husband was arrested and I finally left him (with two young DC) that I told people at work.

Yes, exactly this. I didn't speak a word of it to anyone until the police involvement came. I told my Managing Director before anyone because I wanted to be transparent and fair. The irony about this is not lost on me! I'm not part of a trade union but I do work in employment law so I know that I can hold my own in whatever is next to come. I just need to be in the headspace to not be broken again.

I love that they have named the mouse. I love the belly laugh moments, they make you feel like yourself again. I have visions of that old YouTube clip of the Irish family chasing a bat and you running around with your Tupperware.

sorry to hear DD is struggling, it is a lot to deal with, supporting your kids when you need so much support yourself. But if she can belly laugh and let her self relax completely with you then deep down she is ok. Sadness is a normal emotion, it’s ok to be sad sometimes.

Hopefully there is incriminating stuff on his phone.

I also enjoyed the mouse story.

Isn't it lovely to have a normal family moment which doesn't have the potential to end in misery.

Just not having your husband in the house means you don't have to be scared anymore. It's so freeing.

You sound like you’re doing really well. What great timing by that mouse!
I’m sorry your DD is struggling. You all have to grieve in your own ways and I expect that will go on for a while.
Keep getting through each day a little bit at a time and soak up the happy moments 🥰

Ask family and friends re whether they ever saw or sensed anything. I think you’d be surprised as they were no doubt very aware at times