Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

With regard to the mortgage and the bills, contact your utility suppliers; I know British Gas and EDF have depts who help those people struggling financially and I’m sure they aren’t the only companies who do. Call your mortgage company and ask whether the offer a payment holiday to give you some breathing room. Call the council and ask if you can spread payments over 12 months rather than 10, which will reduce your DD. You could also claim a 25% discount as a single adult while he’s not there. Can you knock car insurance down to Third Party? That will reduce costs. Start looking at local food banks; some need referrals but others are more along the lines of just distributing excess produce. Cancel all subscriptions; might be too late for this month but will help you for next month. Look up the calculator for universal credit to make sure you’re getting all you’re entitled to. Any clothes or toys they’ve outgrown? Get selling. Can you do overtime?

With regards to the police, I mean, you must understand what it sounds like when you write it down? Be honest, did the police really over react? Or are you minimising things?

Hopefully time will show you that you can manage very well without him and will be far better off without the "stalking, false imprisonment, and coercive control" in your life. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

This has absolutely been blown out of proportion.

It hasn't. You were desperate enough to make the report so deep down you know it needed to happen.

I don't really understand why you'd contact the police if you needed advice. I think whatever has gone on it is serious enough to warrant action.

Stalking, false imprisonment and coercive control are each very serious crimes. Did you think the police would just recommend half an hour with a counsellor? The thing is, if your allegations are truthful it’s … unhelpful to then retract them. It makes things difficult for both the police and the CPS - and you may be viewed as an unreliable witness. But men are being prosecuted and imprisoned now when their partners are driven to suicide - there’s no way the police could have just waved it all away.

I do strongly suggest you put all your domestic and financial difficulties to your SW. And, if that doesn’t prove immediately useful, make appointments to speak to all the institutions mentioned in previous posts - Women’s Aid, Citizen’s Advice, etc.

It’s obviously a hugely difficult situation - but from what you say, you were in actual danger before, and this is the best thing you could have done for yourself and your children.

The police won’t press charges unless they absolutely have to. The fact that you’re minimising this, I get it, truly, but it’s obviously coming from a place of being a victim of abuse and you can’t rely on that feeling now. You want to maintain the status quo because the alternative is frightening right now. A few years down the road and you will thank the police who have enforced this.

I also don’t understand what you expected to happen here op, of,course they took it seriously, you can’t report this sort of horrific abuse and expect nothing to happen?

The police don’t have the resources to ‘overreact’. They obviously believed you and/or your children were in danger. Listen to them. You and your children are worth more than a house and some bills.

Speak to the social worker this afternoon and prioritise you and your children.

Refuge and/or Women’s Aid should be your next point of call.

Put a few days emergency leave in with your employer while you get things sorted.

sorry op but they don’t do this for no reason. Honestly what did you expect contacting the police?!

OP, try to understand that as the victim of this behaviour (for a long time by the sound of it) you aren’t best placed to see how serious it is. You don’t have any objectivity - that’s not your fault, it’s the result of being abused. Other people outside of it, such as the police and social workers, can see much more clearly and they have felt it necessary to step in.

Have you told any family or friends about his behaviour? What do they think?

OP, I feel for you. Wait and see what the social worker says. Are you in HA or council property?

Also don’t try and contact him, if social are coming it’s very serious and you could end loosing your chikdren if you pull any more stupid stunts. Just focus on the kids & your job, pay rent and see if council will give you songle person council tax relief.

The SW will want to ensure that you are a protective factor for your children. They will want to see that you understand the risks and harm that come from witnessing and living in a home where one adult treats another adult badly. Be completely honest with them.

They will be able to help you with some of your concerns and support needs.

Is it worth speaking to your mortgage provider and negotiating a mortgage break or going interest only for a period? Speak to your local council to get council tax discount as you are now single.

You likely have Stockholm syndrome

They don’t arrest someone over nothing OP and you know that. Have they completed a MARAC referral?

You need to be very careful that you are not being managed out of a job. A protected conversation is usually to offer you a payout to leave quietly. A formal warning is the first step to set you up for dismissal.

I'd recommend taking some sick leave Op. You're under intense stress, your GP will sign you off. IME it's often a better career decision to be absent for a short period than to be there but not functioning.

The Police have a duty of care to you and the family, the children will be considered victims separately.

They have been under huge pressure to prioritise VAWG and are currently trailing a new triage process to ensure complaints such as the serious allegations you have made are taken seriously.

Also the Police don’t press charges, the CPS do in cases such as this.

Its not great they are not responding so you can escalate for a response, have you been signposted to victim support who can also support you?

I understand you are scared of the financial uncertainty (note you don't actually miss the man), but this is what needed to happen.

The police have taken swift action as what you needed help on happen to be some pretty serious charges. Women in safe, healthy relationships don't usually require police advice; so you're likely downplaying hos actions.

Of course you'd have liked time to plan your exit, but it's also likely you'd have stalled out of fear. I am hoping SS and other services can help you see a way forward, without taking him back.

Sorry OP but the police are there to deal with crimes and criminals. They wouldn't have arrested him if he didn't meet that threshold.

Womens Aid etc is where to go for advice.

That term hasn’t been used for years!

It’s considered by some offensive, usually referred to as trauma bonded now.

Op, if you were concerned to go to the police in the first place, you obviously wanted help. Do you think your children would thank you for growing up in an abusive household? What’s more important to you, your children or your abusive husband? Police don’t overreact to stuff like this, they must absolutely have seen a reason to remove him from your home. For the sake of the children, please don’t let him back into your lives. You may not see it now, but you will in the future.

Bloody everything is offensive these days.

In fact, im offended by how offensive everything now is.

Who honestly gives a crap? Its not relevant what it is or isn’t called. One could aruge trauma bonded is offensive!