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Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

478 replies

PotatoSalad12 · 16/04/2026 14:20

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 25/04/2026 12:20

I hope that you, the children and the dogs have a lovely weekend @PotatoSalad12

Still thinking of you and rooting for you.

Letsgoforaskip · 25/04/2026 17:02

As above. Thinking about you all and hoping you are all doing OK this weekend.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/05/2026 11:33

Hope you're okay @PotatoSalad12

GilmoreGirly86 · 01/05/2026 21:36

As above, I've been thinking of you and hope you and the children are doing well. Enjoy your weekend 🩷

PotatoSalad12 · 07/05/2026 07:06

Morning everyone, thank you so much for thinking of me. I've had a fabulous week or so where I have genuinely moved into such a good mental state. The children are like different people - they have become relaxed, confident, fun, etc. And I dare say that I have too. I've had some fabulous friends around me too. Some people have really stepped up. Sadly, both my mum and brother have told me that they noticed him bullying my son every now again - digging at him, pulling him up on standard stuff, and they both felt they couldn't say anything to me. I've now forwarded this information to the police as they asked me last week if any friends or family witnessed anything. I originally said no because no one knew but now it's a yes.

I'm still job searching which is a little daunting but I have had success with UC which is a weight off my mind for this month anyway!

There is definitely no going back for me. I am WORLDS apart from where I was when I first started this thread. I feel alive again. I go out when I want. I see friends when I want. I have showers without asking for permission. Liberating. Absolutely liberating.

This is the start of my best life. It sounds so self-centred and cliché but it's bloody true.

OP posts:
cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 07/05/2026 07:12

What a wonderful update OP! I’m so happy for you! Onwards and upwards 😁

Edit to add that it’s not self centred to leave an abusive relationship.

Enrichetta · 07/05/2026 07:13

Not selfish or self-centred at all, @PotatoSalad12 !!!!

in fact, I think you should print this off in the largest font you can find and frame it:

I feel alive again. I go out when I want. I see friends when I want. I have showers without asking for permission. Liberating. Absolutely liberating.
This is the start of my best life

Elsvieta · 07/05/2026 07:26

Yay for you! You're being so brave and doing so well. And giving your DC all the right messages. They won't grow up into people who think they have to tolerate abuse. Has he tried to contact you at all?

JayJayj · 07/05/2026 07:31

I’m so so so happy for you. This is a great update. Sending you love and wishes and good luck!! 💐❤️

Whettlettuce · 07/05/2026 07:35

PotatoSalad12 · 07/05/2026 07:06

Morning everyone, thank you so much for thinking of me. I've had a fabulous week or so where I have genuinely moved into such a good mental state. The children are like different people - they have become relaxed, confident, fun, etc. And I dare say that I have too. I've had some fabulous friends around me too. Some people have really stepped up. Sadly, both my mum and brother have told me that they noticed him bullying my son every now again - digging at him, pulling him up on standard stuff, and they both felt they couldn't say anything to me. I've now forwarded this information to the police as they asked me last week if any friends or family witnessed anything. I originally said no because no one knew but now it's a yes.

I'm still job searching which is a little daunting but I have had success with UC which is a weight off my mind for this month anyway!

There is definitely no going back for me. I am WORLDS apart from where I was when I first started this thread. I feel alive again. I go out when I want. I see friends when I want. I have showers without asking for permission. Liberating. Absolutely liberating.

This is the start of my best life. It sounds so self-centred and cliché but it's bloody true.

This is such a fantastic update op 👏. Well done. And now don't look back and carry on enjoying your new life . All the best to you 💐

10namechangeslater · 07/05/2026 07:39

👏👏👏 fantastic update well done OP

Wish44 · 07/05/2026 07:59

Op I am delighted for you. I totally understand the mental change that can come from the space given by bail conditions for no contact from an abuser.

for me it took about 8 weeks to go from desperately wanting the charges dropped etc to wanting the police to charge him and to never see him again. I am two years free now and can’t believe who i was at the end of the abusive relationship. It’s an awful place to be and I am externally thankful to the police for those bail conditions.

stay strong op. You are doing brilliant 🤩

ERthree · 07/05/2026 08:08

So glad you are feeling like you again. You must feel the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. 💐

Conniebygaslight · 07/05/2026 08:17

Fabulous update OP...bloody brilliant, keep going, you are doing amazing. So glad you're DC are feeling relaxed too. They'll absolutely thank you when they're older.

sashh · 07/05/2026 08:23

PotatoSalad12 · 16/04/2026 14:35

Thanks. I have tried getting hold of CAB but I am usually on hold for over an hour and I am trying to work full time. My employer has been abysmal about the situation, despite knowing exactly what went on last week - they decided to have a protected conversation with me to berate me for my absenteeism. I am now on a formal warning so I can't spend forever on the phone anymore. I earn a decent salary so I don't believe I am entitled to many benefits, if any - I never have been before anyway.

You might ern a decent salary but you can get 25% of your council tax s a single occupant.

Letsgoforaskip · 07/05/2026 09:38

OP Congratulations! I am absolutely delighted for you!
I had similar comments about my DC. Horrible to hear but underlines that you have made completely the right decision. It is fabulous that you and you children are already bouncing back and flourishing.
You relish your new life. You are a brave strong independent woman! 🥰🎊🎉

Letsgoforaskip · 07/05/2026 09:39

Sorry, duplicated post again.

NerrSnerr · 07/05/2026 09:56

Loubelou71 · 16/04/2026 18:25

I wasn't being obtuse...I genuinely haven't heard this. I also imagine her husband is pretty upset at the situation so how will this impact the relationship.

Upset that he has finally been arrested for what sounds like years of abuse. Poor bloke. Hope he’s ok.

Tryagain26 · 07/05/2026 09:59

I am so happy for you.
You are a strong woman , you did the right thing and I hope life will be better for you and the children

andweallsingalong · 07/05/2026 10:05

Well done OP 😊

This might sound stupid, but I would highly recommend writing yourself a letter about how you feel now.

In time, memories will blur, he will tell you how much he loves you, he didn't realise, he's so sorry, please give him another chance he's changed, he can't live without you, but think of the kids...

If he love bombs you at a weak moment it will be hard to stay strong. IF you get back together it will be good for a while, but then slip backwards. Some women then struggle to leave again because they (wrongly, it's not unusual to hope for better) feel ashamed.

scoobysnaxx · 07/05/2026 10:05

A wonderful update! You and your children have so much happiness and peace to look forward to! 💜💜💜

JohnDenver · 07/05/2026 10:11

PotatoSalad12 · 07/05/2026 07:06

Morning everyone, thank you so much for thinking of me. I've had a fabulous week or so where I have genuinely moved into such a good mental state. The children are like different people - they have become relaxed, confident, fun, etc. And I dare say that I have too. I've had some fabulous friends around me too. Some people have really stepped up. Sadly, both my mum and brother have told me that they noticed him bullying my son every now again - digging at him, pulling him up on standard stuff, and they both felt they couldn't say anything to me. I've now forwarded this information to the police as they asked me last week if any friends or family witnessed anything. I originally said no because no one knew but now it's a yes.

I'm still job searching which is a little daunting but I have had success with UC which is a weight off my mind for this month anyway!

There is definitely no going back for me. I am WORLDS apart from where I was when I first started this thread. I feel alive again. I go out when I want. I see friends when I want. I have showers without asking for permission. Liberating. Absolutely liberating.

This is the start of my best life. It sounds so self-centred and cliché but it's bloody true.

Excellent news @PotatoSalad12
well done.
not self centred or cliche at all. Embrace it. Stride into the future!!!

something very similar has happened here too.
after 8 weeks friends have commented on how relaxed and happy the kids are.

Here we still have social services and police involved. Our case was reported to MARAC as high risk. Child in need plan now in place.

STBX denying child abuse and domestic abuse. Disagrees with the social worker report.
very sad. However this time on bail has given me space. And the kids too.

I am not relishing the divorce process with or without police involvement, however if CPS don’t press charges I think it will increase STBX view this whole process has been nonsense and that he can get away with it.

anyway. Taking each day as it comes!!

Continue to be fabulous OP!

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 07/05/2026 10:11

sashh · 07/05/2026 08:23

You might ern a decent salary but you can get 25% of your council tax s a single occupant.

RTFT

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 07/05/2026 10:16

I'm so happy to read your latest update @PotatoSalad12

It's such a wonderful feeling, not being anxious anymore. Not having to ask permission to do ordinary things.

I'm sorry you've discovered that he's been abusive to your children.
Hopefully, that'll give you even stronger resolve.

But what an update. I'm so thrilled for you!

childrenaremyworld · 07/05/2026 10:28

I’m so happy for you and your children, here’s to a peaceful, happy life xx

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