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Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

478 replies

PotatoSalad12 · 16/04/2026 14:20

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

OP posts:
FairyBatman · 07/05/2026 10:37

Your update made me so happy this morning. It sounds as if you doing wonderfully! Enjoy your new found peace and freedom!

Abouttoblow · 07/05/2026 10:46

So glad to see you're doing OK OP but noticed you're job searching?
Did you lose your job? If so, that's awful.

DreadingMonday · 07/05/2026 11:06

What a wonderful update - the bit about the change in your children is really telling. After working with kids for a long time, I can say with certainty that children are always affected - the silent treatment, aptmospheres, unhappiness - they feel all of that even if they could not say what it is. I thought the suggestion to write a letter about how you feel now is a great one. Abusers really dont see themselves as abusive and will do very complicated mental gymnastics in order to maintain that they are good people and justified in any of their actions. So if and when you have contact with him be prepared for that and for your responses - you may find yourself thinking it was not so bad, hes ok, he'll be different...... Remember what a relief it is to have him not around. Its also really interesting to see why the police do what they do - you can see here to benefits of the 12 week rule. Good luck to all of you in your new, liberated life!

bittertwisted · 07/05/2026 11:08

PotatoSalad12 · 07/05/2026 07:06

Morning everyone, thank you so much for thinking of me. I've had a fabulous week or so where I have genuinely moved into such a good mental state. The children are like different people - they have become relaxed, confident, fun, etc. And I dare say that I have too. I've had some fabulous friends around me too. Some people have really stepped up. Sadly, both my mum and brother have told me that they noticed him bullying my son every now again - digging at him, pulling him up on standard stuff, and they both felt they couldn't say anything to me. I've now forwarded this information to the police as they asked me last week if any friends or family witnessed anything. I originally said no because no one knew but now it's a yes.

I'm still job searching which is a little daunting but I have had success with UC which is a weight off my mind for this month anyway!

There is definitely no going back for me. I am WORLDS apart from where I was when I first started this thread. I feel alive again. I go out when I want. I see friends when I want. I have showers without asking for permission. Liberating. Absolutely liberating.

This is the start of my best life. It sounds so self-centred and cliché but it's bloody true.

your story is almost exactly the same as mine, except I was forced to get mine arrested after an attempt on my life. My children were subject to a CPO that is breached by me continuing a relationship with him would have resulted in their removal
i know it is terrifying when you are finally pushed to take action, your whole world is turned upside down, and you almost crave the familiarity of abuse. You have to rip your life raw, and it is very hard

it was the best thing that could have happened to me, and it has been for you. You’ve jumped off that cliff and now you will fly. I can promise you have also changed your children’s lives by your bravery

BooneyBeautiful · 07/05/2026 11:10

PotatoSalad12 · 07/05/2026 07:06

Morning everyone, thank you so much for thinking of me. I've had a fabulous week or so where I have genuinely moved into such a good mental state. The children are like different people - they have become relaxed, confident, fun, etc. And I dare say that I have too. I've had some fabulous friends around me too. Some people have really stepped up. Sadly, both my mum and brother have told me that they noticed him bullying my son every now again - digging at him, pulling him up on standard stuff, and they both felt they couldn't say anything to me. I've now forwarded this information to the police as they asked me last week if any friends or family witnessed anything. I originally said no because no one knew but now it's a yes.

I'm still job searching which is a little daunting but I have had success with UC which is a weight off my mind for this month anyway!

There is definitely no going back for me. I am WORLDS apart from where I was when I first started this thread. I feel alive again. I go out when I want. I see friends when I want. I have showers without asking for permission. Liberating. Absolutely liberating.

This is the start of my best life. It sounds so self-centred and cliché but it's bloody true.

I am so pleased to hear this. Such good news! Onwards and upwards!

Endofyear · 07/05/2026 11:31

So happy to hear that you and the children are doing so well! This has put a smile on my face this morning ☺️ you should be so so proud of yourself 💐

bigboykitty · 07/05/2026 11:36

Thank you for your wonderful update @PotatoSalad12 . So proud of you 💐

CosyAndSnug · 07/05/2026 11:39

So, so happy for you OP. This is truly a wonderful update and my heart sings for you and your children, who have their childhood back and a happy future secured. Well done to you.

As an aside, there's often a lot of chat on here about what a burden tax is. But this is why we pay taxes - for police, courts, probation services, social services, schools, the benefit system - all the things which help to keep women and children safe. OP's situation could happen to any of us. Thank goodness we as a country support each other in times of need.

Here's to your bright future, OP. Glorious freedom for you and your children awaits. Enjoy every second of it. You truly deserve it.

Lougle · 07/05/2026 11:41

@PotatoSalad12 what an update! I hope that other women who may be in similar situations will read it and see that there is hope.

MegaMewtwo · 07/05/2026 11:43

So happy for you, OP, and long may it continue.

I have showers without asking for permission.

I hope you can soon (if you don't already) see how batshit that sounds to someone not in an abusive relationship!

Butterme · 07/05/2026 12:14

What an amazing update!!

I was thinking about you and I’m sorry to say that I assumed you were the type to take him back.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of a stranger in my life!!

Your kids will have absolutely been more affected by his behaviour than you realise.
Thank goodness they are now living in a home where they feel comfortable.

You may have a few blips but your life will only get better now (even if at times you don’t feel it).

Well done OP you are amazing ❤️💐

Getmeouttathismess · 07/05/2026 12:22

Another stranger who is very proud of you OP!
Your update is so refreshing and you sound like a new woman!

MaidOfSteel · 07/05/2026 12:34

PotatoSalad12 · 07/05/2026 07:06

Morning everyone, thank you so much for thinking of me. I've had a fabulous week or so where I have genuinely moved into such a good mental state. The children are like different people - they have become relaxed, confident, fun, etc. And I dare say that I have too. I've had some fabulous friends around me too. Some people have really stepped up. Sadly, both my mum and brother have told me that they noticed him bullying my son every now again - digging at him, pulling him up on standard stuff, and they both felt they couldn't say anything to me. I've now forwarded this information to the police as they asked me last week if any friends or family witnessed anything. I originally said no because no one knew but now it's a yes.

I'm still job searching which is a little daunting but I have had success with UC which is a weight off my mind for this month anyway!

There is definitely no going back for me. I am WORLDS apart from where I was when I first started this thread. I feel alive again. I go out when I want. I see friends when I want. I have showers without asking for permission. Liberating. Absolutely liberating.

This is the start of my best life. It sounds so self-centred and cliché but it's bloody true.

Your post today has really made me smile, OP. The change in you, your language, attitude, since your first post, all jumps off the screen. You’re a strong & capable woman, and you know it. Sending you, the kids, the dogs (and even the mouse!) my very best wishes for a peaceful and happy future. X

LizzieW1969 · 07/05/2026 12:37

That's such a wonderful update, OP, I'm really happy for you and your lovely DC! ❤️

TedDog · 07/05/2026 12:44

PotatoSalad12 · 07/05/2026 07:06

Morning everyone, thank you so much for thinking of me. I've had a fabulous week or so where I have genuinely moved into such a good mental state. The children are like different people - they have become relaxed, confident, fun, etc. And I dare say that I have too. I've had some fabulous friends around me too. Some people have really stepped up. Sadly, both my mum and brother have told me that they noticed him bullying my son every now again - digging at him, pulling him up on standard stuff, and they both felt they couldn't say anything to me. I've now forwarded this information to the police as they asked me last week if any friends or family witnessed anything. I originally said no because no one knew but now it's a yes.

I'm still job searching which is a little daunting but I have had success with UC which is a weight off my mind for this month anyway!

There is definitely no going back for me. I am WORLDS apart from where I was when I first started this thread. I feel alive again. I go out when I want. I see friends when I want. I have showers without asking for permission. Liberating. Absolutely liberating.

This is the start of my best life. It sounds so self-centred and cliché but it's bloody true.

Congratulations OP, you’ve reached an all important milestone in your recovery; one which took me YEARRRRRRS! You’re awesome, well done. Your subconscious quite literally saved you that day when you made that call. Best of luck Wine

76evie · 07/05/2026 12:57

I’ve only just come across and read your posts.

i just wanted to say stay strong regardless of what happens with the police. It’s sounds like life is better for you all without your ex husband in it, you are all bound to have wobbles. It must be lovely seeing the kids more carefree, even if they are struggling with missing him.

What was the outcome of your meeting at head office? I hope you still have a job whilst you look for a better one.

MyGingerNinja · 07/05/2026 13:20

Great to read your update as to how you are all doing. Have you told the Police you will now support the prosecution? Stay strong and good luck x

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 07/05/2026 13:34

So so happy for you @PotatoSalad12

GremlinDolphin4 · 07/05/2026 15:24

I’ve only read your posts OP and just wanted to say well done!

I had a similar thing happen and the police arrived within 10 minutes which was shocking but amazing. Even though he was the abuser I felt so guilty that I had called the police on my husband, it’s a horrible feeling. We are 7 years down the line and there have been some difficult times but me and my dcs live happy, respectful lives. None of us could have continued with how we were living before. Keep strong. Xxx

Bringflowersofthefairest · 07/05/2026 16:29

Over the moon for you OP.
What a fantastic update. Huge well done on being so brave and strong.
Onwards and upwards.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 07/05/2026 18:46

Best possible news @PotatoSalad12. I'm so happy for you.

Ohnobackagain · 07/05/2026 22:23

@PotatoSalad12 are you still working at the company that didn’t seem supportive (i know you said you are job hunting) have things settled down at all?

PotatoSalad12 · 11/05/2026 07:26

Ohnobackagain · 07/05/2026 22:23

@PotatoSalad12 are you still working at the company that didn’t seem supportive (i know you said you are job hunting) have things settled down at all?

They terminated my contract so my last day is 22nd May. And the weirdest thing? I'm f#:king glad. What a bunch of absolute arseholes. My heartbreak was a real gift to them. I'm glad to be rid.

It's been so good reading all of your support. Look at how strangers have come together.

And just to confirm to everyone, because you all know how much I wobbled on this, I am absolutely supporting the prosecution. I need them to see how bad this was, the years of control, the years of misery, the years of deleting my personality, the years robbed from my children.

I have began to get some anxiety about the impending bail conditions coming to an end. There's never any major updates from the police and he's due to report to them on 10 July. I'm fearful of the conditions dropping and then I'm here as a sitting duck.

On another completely cathartic note, I have completely cleared up his stuff. There is nothing of his left in the house. It's all in our garage which is now packed like an egg. We also have a large cabin at the bottom of the garden which is also the same. Full to the brim (and I'm not joking!) of his crap. Our garden is equally full of his stuff too because he was a lazy arsehole and would take things out of his van and just leave things where he put them. I want it all gone but I don't know where I stand on that. He's paid nothing into the joint account this month so he hasn't contributed to the house at all. So I've been left to fund £4000+ worth of bills. Thankfully we're saving money on the food shop now 🤣

If anyone has any wise ideas of what to do with his belongings so I can get shot and move on with my life then please shout. Ideally legal ideas because trust me, I've already thought of every single illegal one 🔥

OP posts:
Tiddlywinks63 · 11/05/2026 07:35

Can you get a storage unit in his name and dump the lot there?

PotatoSalad12 · 11/05/2026 07:37

Tiddlywinks63 · 11/05/2026 07:35

Can you get a storage unit in his name and dump the lot there?

I've considered this but I'd need to setup the payments. I mean, I have his bank details but again, feel like this would be ironically unlawful.

OP posts:
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