Should we keep a bedroom for DSD once she leaves for university?

[LeavingForUni]

Having a slight disagreement with dh as he wants us to leave a bedroom as is for DSD who is going to uni the other end of the country in sep!
She only stayed once or twice a month anyway and my 2 DDs are sharing due to this. I told dd1 she could then have her own room in September. If DSD ever visits she can share with dd2 who will be in the bigger room. Surely this is fine!

Your plan makes perfect sense.

To be honest unless there is a massive age gap I would have had her sharing with the eldest all along if she only visits so infrequently

It makes sense on paper, but you have a lot of deep relational concerns to manage well that can mean that changes like these need a very thoughtful, open and loving family dynamic in which everyone feels safe and wanted.

This! We have a classic nuclear family but my DC felt very emotional about still having their own rooms to come back to from Uni and I imagine it could be an emotional minefield in a blended family. It is something you and her Dad could talk to her about?

Let your DDs each have a room whilst DSD is at university and let her know that she is plenty welcome to stay and that when she does, your DDs will go into the bigger room together short term.

She has her own room that will remain so at her mums as she doesn’t have any siblings there. I just feel that my DDs have had to share for years now and there’s a room that is empty most of the time and now I feel like with DSD going to uni in September it’s fair that my dds have their own rooms

I can see why you think this is a good idea, and maybe it is, but children are not actually 'leaving home' when they go to university - it's like boarding school but the terms are shorter at uni. Some have already finished for summer!

And I'm sure you know that she won't want to share with your dd2, and dd2 probably won't like it much either, so be prepared for her never to come and stay once you make this arrangement.

How old are your DDs? What would the impact of waiting a year? You can then see how the year goes and make a decision based on what it actually looks like. DS started uni in September, and we moved house just before. We made sure one of the big rooms was his (someone else has a box room) because it was REALLY important to us that he didn't feel like he'd been squeezed out. It was important to him, it was the right thing to do. In a couple of years it might all be different. It's a tough one, but I get where your DH is coming from. The other thing to bear in mind is how old your DDs are, and whether they really hate sharing or whether they are still OK with it.

She gets on well with dd2. She doesn’t get on well at all with dd1 so I think she’s more likely to share with her

Would you do similar for your DDs? So if the one with the biggest room goes to uni the other DD would then have the biggest room?

This seems to be the most sensible compromise. Then your daughter's have their own room most of the time and did doesn't have to share with an unrelated person when she visits.

Are your DDs her SSs? Or do they have the same dad?

If they have different dads, and arent related at all, then I think your children should share a room and she should have her own.

i mentioned this actually as an idea to dh and he said no that DSD thought that was worse as it would clearly be someone elses room and she would be upset

It's insane to keep a bedroom empty 97% of the time and leave two children sharing.
If she stays with you 12 nights a year (one per half term - less likely anyway, once per Easter and Christmas and 7 per summer) that's literally 3% of the year.

Could it be an option to make the change now, i.e. 5 months before the move to uni happens? Change it so she's sharing with your daughter that she gets on with and then that's the situation she reverts to when she returns? Then it's not that she's losing her room, it's the room has changed now and that change continues?

As others have said, university isn't really leaving home. They get 1 month off at Christmas, 1 month at Easter and 3 months in the summer. Which is why a lot of my age group worked in the summer. Now I get why kids don't, when you're already in that much debt why bother? But in any case, it's only really 7 months of being away. Even if that's shared between your house and her other home, that's still being back quite a lot. It's not really fair to make her feel like she doesn't have a place with you but at least if you make the change now, you can do so and settle things before all that change.

Why should she have to share a room with her step sisters? Sounds like the OPs kids have been sharing for years anyway.

Why have.your daughters always shared a room? Are they your husband's kids?

How old are you DDs? If they're still quite young, and OK with sharing for now, could you keep DSD's room 'for now' (i.e. for the 1st year of uni) but carefully keep track of how many nights she uses it. Then put to her that keeping a room for just x number of nights per year isn't fair and that it won't be happening in 2nd and 3rd year.

You might only need to do this until about Easter if she hardly ever comes.

Of course your suggestion is the most sensible.

The room has been empty for the last 2 years pretty much except for 1-2 weekends a month and my dd1 especially has needed her own space desperately for a long time

In the first year students are away about 30 weeks out of 52. So they haven’t really left home yet. Later years that might increase. So yes she should really keep her space.

They are 14 and 16

She doesn’t live here full time she’s here once or twice a month sometimes less

No they are mine from previous relationship

So they dont share any parent? And they were always sharing a room in the past?

I think the SD shoukd get her own room and the bio sister's share a room like they've always done. I dont think its fair to insist the SD share with her SS.

Absolutely. But the minute you mention 'step children' common sense flies out the window with posters suggesting you keep a bedroom/shrine til they're at least in their 30s.