Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

I think fine, they don't have to do any childcare. But you don't have to do a single thing for them, either.
How old are they? And what were they like when you were little?

I think you need to pit some boundaries in place because as they age this will only get worse and i wonder why if you are so close to them you can’t have an honest conversation about this. Perhaps ask if they are willing to take daughter once a month for you to get out. If yes happy days if no really cut back on time with them. They want you to be there for them but give nothing back ots a bit one sided relationship

If they want constant access to them they should at least offer to babysit once in awhile.

They monopolise way too much of your time. Start making plans to enjoy your own life and dc...

The usual way to sort lie ins is to take turns getting up at the weekend (assuming you both work).

it does sound like you do a lot with (and for?) your parents and you’d be perfectly reasonable to step back from some of this.

if your sister is close then you may be able to organise swops - she babysits your kid at her house and you return the favour by babysitting her kid at your house.

They sound pretty shit.

They say to you: oh we raised you and sister so we don’t want to do any childcare. So you need to say to them: I am raising my child so I can no longer buy you tickets/take you places so you’ll need that yourself.

they seem to want it both ways. They dont want to babysit but they want you to baby them.

how very disappointing, frustrating and exhausting for you.

The problem is you are parenting your parents as well as your own children. Why on earth are you arranging days out for them and taking them on holiday? If they can’t speak decent English it’s time they learned. It’s unfortunate they don’t want to help with the child rearing, but you can’t expect them to do it if they don’t want to. It’s time they stopped expecting you and your sister to parent them and you and your sister need to support each other instead.

Sounds like you're parenting them! I would stop 'taking them on holiday' for a start. Do you pay for them as well? You say you need time just as a little family unit, and you do, so stop the holidays with GPs, visit them less (they could visit you more, when it's convenient for all).

Of course they are not obliged to offer childcare but I would cut the apron strings a bit, see them less, stop doing things for them. You need your own space as a family.

Well, yabu to expect them to take responsibility because she's your child and your job to parent her.

Are you in the UK? If so, why have your DPs not bothered to learn English? Maybe you need to stand back from helping them with things. Just say sorry, you're too busy if they ask.

Does your husband have parents around, or siblings who could babysit occasionally?

Is this a reverse?

There's a couple of things at play here but on the whole, I think YABU.

If you don't want to do so much for and with your parents, you can stop. You're not obliged to.

But you are being incredibly precious about your child. You and dh have just one toddler between you and you can't figure out how to have a lie-in? That's not your parents' fault. It sounds like they babysit when you ask them to.

YABU to expect any childcare, she is your child and this is the reality of being a single parent.

However, you are also not your parents parent. Why haven't they learned English @OlliEliza ? There are English as a second language night classes at most local colleges. Get them a brochure. Go on holiday with your sister. Go out for an evening with your sister, hire a babysitter for both your children. Use the money you save by stopping running after your parents.

Break the parental guilt and obligation cycle so your little girl doesn't inherit it.

Would this stop her from having your child overnight?

I don't get the idea of "access to" grandchildren.

She is not a resource!

Surely, it is your job as parents to ensure your daughter has good family relationships? Surely you don't get to decide "I find X a bit annoying, she's not seeing them till they step up"? (Obviously situations of abuse aside.)

It is nice when family help out. I helped my mum move house. We help her carry heavy things from her car
But she would never expect more than I could give. By the same token, I would not (and in fact do not) ask her to care for my kids as she is late 70s, on her own, has a dog and I don't think adding boisterous primary aged kids in is fair on her.

Your parents aren't being mean, they are tired.

agree with this. Calling you several times a day is insane. What on earth do you even say to one another given you see each other so regularly as well. Just cutting that back would give you an extra 30 mins to an hour a day back, which could make all the difference to your exhaustion if you used that as 'me' time.

If you're young enough to have a 2 year old they can't be that old and shouldn't need loads of help. Even if they don't speak english (how, presuming you have lived in the UK long enough for you and your sister to grow up here), AI tools now mean you can get almost anything instantly translated. If you and your DH went on holiday together without feeling the need to entertain your parents as well you could put your dc in kids club for a few hours and get some rest.

You could have hers, then you could return the favour. I was a single parent and did this with and for friends. It’s worth giving it a try.

YANBU - it sounds like you do a lot for them, so it would be nice if they helped you out a bit too. In your shoes I would certainly think about taking a step back and not being so available to do stuff for them.

Agree with some PP - they have done their stint child caring - fine. Then you have done
your stint arranging holidays etc for them,

What would work for you? They come to
you for coffee once a month, you go to them for coffee once a month, on weeks you aren’t seeing them then you give them a call? Do that, Don’t talk to them every day, that’s way ott.

I think that they can not want to look after your child because they’ve already raised their own children and equally you can not want to go on holiday with your parents anymore because you’re not a child and you’ve already done that. Basically in my opinion, families helping each other goes both ways, if they don’t want to help you, you’re perfectly entitled to consider how much help you want to give them.

It's very sad your parents won't help, IMO you sign up to be a future grandparent at the same time you sign up to be a parent.
Absolutely don't pull back on helping them, you are the adult now with your own family.

We were born and raised in a non-English-speaking country. They have been living here for a couple of years due to certain circumstances.

My parents were like this with me, so I totally understand why you feel dissapointed in them.

They were retired, in good health, and had a lot of support from my grandparents when my sisters and I were growing up, so I thought the normal thing was for kids to have long weekends in their grandparents house a few times a year so the parents could have a break.

My mum had a totally unfounded fear that I'd expect her to be a full-time child minder, even though I booked a creche before they were even born, so she treated my very rare requests to babysit as if I was going to leave the kids with her for 3 months.

I've jusy realised, that 25 years on, it still rankles!

You do a lot for your parents, and maybe it's time to step back a bit. You don't really have time to manage their affairs as well as your own. They'll be able to manage the language barrier if they need to - there's always Goigle translate!

It doesn't sound like they'd enjoy a holiday with a toddler, so tell them you're going to have a holiday with just your husband and child this year, even pick something you know they wouldn't like - maybe an old fashioned British seaside resort, for padding and crabbing?

If I'm lucky enough to be a grandparent I intend to offer babysitting on tap, and would be happy to go part time in work to take grandkids for one day or a couple of half days a week.

What you can do now is to do babysitting swaps with your sister, will help the cousins to be closer too.

They need to learn the language then.

How do they cope working here?

They don't have to take any responsibility for her but you also don't have to visit if you don't want to. I personally think it's ok for them to not to want to look after your child for you.