Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

Why do they call you several times a day? That can't be helping with the exhaustion and feeling as though you never get a break!

We didn't have an evening babysitter so we never went out together in the evening while the kids were young - once they're in bed you can have a takeaway and watch a film together (if your daughter stays in bed once settled there - if not that's the priority to address now she's two).

Ring fence time for just the two of you if that's what you want and agree one lie in each at weekends (only one parent needs to get up early especially as you only have one toddler). At the same time if your parents (who presumably are still working age unless you or they had children quite late?) are harrying you and feel like yet another obligation and chore with their multiple phonecalls per day and needing to be hosted, you can put some mental barriers in place for a bit of space and peace - only answer the phone once per day, then every second day, go on holiday without them, have a couple of weeks a month where you don't see them and do something with friends or as a nuclear family instead. Maybe you'll feel more peaceful and less put upon by them which will make them not offering any help feel more peaceful and normal too.

Tit for tat. How depressing.

Good advice.

Your dad's belief that it's an adult child's responsibility to help their parents because they raised you may be prevalent in many cultures but isn't the case in the UK. Raising a child to adulthood is a legal requirement in this country and failure to do this to an adequate standard can result in children being taken away and the parents being prosecuted.

There are no such reciprocal arrangements for adult children to support and provide care for their elderly parents in the UK. Many people do, and you only need to read some of the posts on the Elderly Parents board to see how selfish and unreasonable some of these parents are. There are many examples of posters having abusive and neglectful childhoods but they are still expected to provide hands-on care and support to these parents.

I'm not saying that your parents are abusive, but they are being selfish and demanding and you can certainly dial down the level of help you provide. How old are your parents and Aae they trying to learn English? Life will be very difficult for them if they don't understand and speak English to a very basic level.

This is great advice, OP. Take it. Look after yourself and your own little family. You and your sister need to support each other instead of supporting your parents. Otherwise you will end up totally exhausted.

You sound very entitled.

You decided to have a child. Your child is your responsibility. Why can’t your sister babysit? Why can’t you hire a babysitter??

Frankly, I think you will be less exhausted if you stop doing things for your parents for a few weeks. The visits, the multiple telephone calls every day seem excessive.

Stop paying for them to do things and instead use that money to pay for a sitter.

Have a break from your parents, have your sister babysit and have some time away from your child.

This is really simple.

But, similarly, the OP should be free to see her parents because they love each other and want a relationship - not because they want her to help them sort out their admin. She doesn't owe them that, in exactly the same way that they don't owe her childcare.

I am so cynical I just assume your parents just want the first 5 mins to take photos to show their friends what wonderful grandparents they are and how cute their grandchild is.

I have never expected my parents to help with my son. They have never babysat and I have never asked. For context they live a 10 hr drive away so visits are sporadic. He is their only grandchild child btw. But when they do come visit my mum, particularly, was eager to get a photo with DS on her lap so she could post it on her facebook feed. They would ask him a couple of questions and then go off and ignore him/do their own thing. They’ve never done “grandparenty” things like read him a book or played with him, took him to a park etc.

One time they came to visit and upon arrival needed help synching their phone to a computer. I had to go upstairs to our office to complete the task. Took about 15 mins and they were downstairs with DS (he was about 4 at the time and they hadn’t seen him for about a year at this point). I came downstairs thinking they might be playing /interacting with him but they had both perched themselves by the kitchen counter and were reading newspapers. DS was playing by himself in the corner.

My parents do not know /care to know anything about their only grandchild (eg his fave colour, his fave hobby, the name of his best friend etc). To DS this is all normal so I don’t make a big deal about it to him. I choose not to get upset or disappointed by their behaviour, but because of their behaviour I don’t make much effort with them - I reciprocate the energy.

You need to rid yourself of expectations and accept reality I am afraid.

I agree they need to BOTH pull away from their parents.

The amount of time they are putting into their parents is excessive.

Your parents can believe what they want. Just as you can.
Decide what you want to spend your time doing.

Are they obligated to do any child-care - no. But I simply don’t understand Grandparents like this. Sorry, but I don’t, I’m just so sorry yours will not experience the joy of grandchildren.

I think a lot of these comments are quite harsh.

It’s not unreasonable to hope for a little bit back in return when you’re doing so much for them, and when your exhaustion is partly due to this. I can’t imagine living so close to my DD and her child and not offering to help, unless they are elderly and infirm and really not up to it.

The crucial thing though is to set boundaries, encourage them to learn English so that they can become more independent. Otherwise they will only become more dependent on you. Start saying no to their demands, start being unavailable for all the calls and put yourself and your family first.

i believe it is fair

I think a lot of these comments are quite harsh.

It’s not unreasonable to hope for a little bit back in return when you’re doing so much for them, and when your exhaustion is partly due to this. I can’t imagine living so close to my DD and her child and not offering to help, unless they are elderly and infirm and really not up to it.

The crucial thing though is to set boundaries, encourage them to learn English so that they can become more independent. Otherwise they will only become more dependent on you. Start saying no to their demands, start being unavailable for all the calls and put yourself and your family first.

I think OP's dad sounds much more entitled than OP. OP has said:

'My dad believes that it’s a child’s responsibility to help their parents because they raised us. So it feels like my obligations are to raise my child and support them as well.'

He obviously thinks that raising their own children creates a debt that the children need to repay. OP provides loads of financial and day-to-day support to her parents. If she didn't do this, she would be less exhausted and less in need of a bit of childcare which her parents are totally unwilling to provide.

How old are your parents? I think we assume our parents are capable of what they used to do and don’t think they age. I don’t have grandchildren but as I’m 61 and DH 68 I wonder in what ways we will be able to help when grandchildren come along.

OP did you and your sister bring your parents over here from their own country, having settled here yourselves?

If so, I don't think It was a good idea. Your parents don't speak the language and have presumably left their friends and community behind to come here, no wonder they are reliant on you. Would they have been happier staying in their home country? Are they able to support themselves here even?

@OlliEliza I have seen this before in Asian families of a certain generation, the children just end up parenting the parents with no respite. And I get why you feel disgruntled but your parents just won't see your view so I think you just have to accept its different culturally and work something out with your sister. A friend of mine doesnt even have children but her parents expect her to be at their beck and call miles away even though she is married. In their eyes, they come first.

Babysitting aside, what are they calling you several times a day for?!
I would be very fearful of the future. This will only get worse as they get older and particularly when one is left alone. I suspect expectations of you will be high!
I would start to step back tbh. Stop holidaying with them. All too much.

My husbands parents say similar.
They are takers and users.

Taking a stab in the dark here but step back and actually look at your parents...

What did they do for your grandparents?
What did they really "do" for you and your sister other than the obvious basically people sign up for house love feed and clothe....

The holidays stop say you need down time and maybe next time.

the phone calls be less available (work / sleeping because you are exhausted / kids had you busy and you didnt see your phone)

you sound really enmeshed. Amazed your dh tolerates all this... it must put a strain on your marriage

Focus your energy on your child and husband (unless you want your marriage to fail which often happens in small degrees not all at once) stop letting your parents steal your time and energy.

Yes see them... but you live a mile apart "dd needs a run arouns so a visit wont work. we are at x park from 10 today - would love you to join. If you cant we will see you next time"

OK so that's your dad's beliefs. Why do you feel you have to live according to them? You are NOT responsable for your parents! No wonder you are exhausted. If they don't want to babysit that's fine. But you don't have to babysit for them either. Focus on your child and tell them you are too tired to do anything else.

I cant understand what's so exhausting about raising one child tbh when there are two of you.
Im sure people exagerate about how shattered they are. Unless they are in their 40s when they have them.
I was a single parent ward sister working full time with my DS and wasnt "exhausted" all the time. Have you checked your iron levels?
But then I did not spend all my spare time doing pointless chores. If the house was a mess I often left it.

YANBU. I agree that the relationship seems very one sided.

They don't have to support you but, equally, you don't have to support them at all either. You certainly don't need to take them on holiday. Whatever your father's beliefs are, you and your parents appears to be living in the UK now and there is no obligation either way. In my opinion, it's a great shame when grandparents don't want to support their children and grandchildren and leads to them receiving less support with they are elderly and in need.

I thought that in cultures where the adult children are expected to provide a lot of support for their parents, the parents in return were expected to help out with the small children - so everyone supporting each other? I didn't think it all went one way. If it does, then there's no obligation on you to adhere to this, regardless of what your father thinks. If they are making no effort to integrate by learning the language, it's not reasonable to expect you to fill all those gaps for them - fair enough if they are trying and struggling, but they shouldn't just be sitting back and letting you do it all for them!
If they learnt English, they could become less reliant on you. They will have a very lonely and difficult old age if they cannot easily communicate in the country where they live. I spent 6 months living in a country where I only had the very basics of the language and it was hard - very isolating and made me far too dependent on dh. I can't imagine how stressful that would be for years at a time. Encouraging them to take some classes and learn, would really help them and free you from so much life admin that you are doing for them.

You are allowed to pull back a bit - it might motivate them into standing on their own two feet a bit more. I actually disagree with most posters that they don't owe you any help with your child - asking for full time childcare would be too big an ask, but the occasional nights babysitting so you can go out, is pretty normal for grandparents to do, assuming they are not frail or unwell. It's pretty selfish not to offer one's own children a little bit of help.

I think you might need some support in breaking away from this sense of obligation and guilt you feel to do everything for them. It's totally fine to go on holiday without them and to not be available 24/7 - that must be mentally exhausting for you.

Where do your dh's parents fit in with all this? Because if you had both sets of parents wanting this much support, you'd never get anything done for your own lives. It's not reasonable if your parents expect you to do all this and not see how much they are asking. Perhaps pointing out how impossible the situation would be if you had to do the same for both sides, might help them to see it?

I think you are ultimately going to have to toughen up a bit and pull back so they are 'forced' to become more independent.

You do need to pull back. They don't really appreciate how much time they're taking from you, time and energy that you could better spend on your family. they seem extremely entitled, they offer nothing in return.

Relationships should have reciprocal benefits.

I would help with essentials, but not extras such taking them on holidays or buying tickets. Go on holiday with your own little family.