Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

You mean they want to be grandparents, not parents? Um, yes. YABU.

Nothing about your post seems unreasonable to me. It’s sad that when you go to see your parents they are hands off with your daughter and that they seem annoyed if asked to babysit.
My parents, I didn’t realise how lucky I’ve been. When I visited or they visited me, they were wanting to help with feeding, tried to support with a toddler tantrum (sometimes would have been easier if they didn’t but it came from a good place and I was learning too) and offered to take the kids to the park sometimes, they’ve also been kind to offer pretty regularly a 1/2 day of babysitting if I’m working in school holidays/inset days as they got older.
The kids really love them and now call them/text them off their own bat from their iPads.
Id love to be involved if I’m a grandparent too, if healthy enough.
Agree with others you won’t have enough time or energy to keep up the level of help and companionship for your parents when your parent load is not lightened at all.
Do the best you can as pp have said, with dh and your sister and any friends, to sort lie ins and maybe a night out, and prioritise you, dh and dd to make that work best for you.

Organise your own lives to suit you.

I am a NANA .and love to see my gc but I get tired and I don't mean tired like when I was a Mum of 4 with no help ( 70s) . I would love to have my gs for more than a couple of hours a week after school but I physically can't . I do babysit infrequently for a day but I'm so exhausted after and also the next day . Maybe your Dps feel like this . I found just getting a babysitter was better when mine were young was the best option . I don't think I had a lie in for about 10 years but it's just what you sign up for . Are your parents in good health and how old are they , that will make a difference . It's lovely that you help them , my sons are wonderful and do lots for me , please don't back off , they won't be around forever and you will know you've been a great daughter.

This^ 100%
your update about language changes the picture completely. It’s a massive responsibility to look after non English speaking parents in English speaking country. It will only get worse when age. They won’t be able to have a simple conversation with their grandchild in 5 years time.

Forget about them not taking grandchild to a park, it’s a minor problem. They need to focus on learning English and managing their own life. You are struggling already and it’s not about lack of lay ins, it’s about being responsible for 2 families. It’s not sustainable.

I think it's cheeky of them to expect you to stretch yourself thin doing things for them on their terms and not wanting to help you. Why should OP be the family servant? I do think loving relationships should be reciprocal as much as they can be.
If they don't want to help of course that's fine, but to then expect lots of help and time from someone that's clearly a lot busier than they are...that seems wildly unfair to me.

I don’t think YABU when there are many grandparents who help more than this. I know lots who help regularly. We don’t have any help either and I feel sad about it. I can’t understand your parents not helping and I’d definitely scale back helping them. See them if it suits you. Perhap theyll be more help when your daughter is older and it’s easier.

Your dad can believe what he likes, but you don't have to agree and you don't have to pick up the phone every time he rings.

Your parents have been clear about the kind of relationship they want with you and your children. Nothing unreasonable about that. My parents weren't babysitting grandparents either, but they did visit regularly with the whole family.

You can also fairly draw up how you want to relate to them. What care and help can you give? Do you really want to take them on holiday? Can you really afford it? You don't have to do anything that doesn't work for you.

Relationships are negotiated by both sides. Sometimes give and take, sometimes hard boundaries. Your father can have his opinion about what your role in his life can be, you can have a different opinion and stick to it.

It sounds like it might be a good time for you to think about how you want things to be going forward and what changes you might want to make.

This!
Utterly unreasonable to live in a country and not bother to learn the language. If they want to go on holiday then let them go to that country on holiday where they do speak the language.

I would be stepping back from helping them so much. It should be a two way street.

Neither set of grandparents would babysit our kids unless they were sleeping when we left - if they woke up we were expected to come home. They didnt do it often though - they just didn’t want to and I always felt my choice to have kids, so they are my responsibility. Two year olds can be very exhausting and I would not have been happy with my parents stepping in to deal with tantrums in my presence - I’d have felt they didn’t approve of the way I was parenting and it’s likely I’d have disapproved of their old fashioned way of handling things (likely a slap on the legs for us!) I know many GPs don’t agree with their dd’s parenting.

Your parents sound like they have relied on you a lot though - their confidence in managing their lives seems very low, why is that - have they given up? are they very old? Did the move trigger it? I would be concerned about their level of dependence on you because this is likely to continually increase as they age. I sense you will not find it easy to pull back but I think you need to start putting boundaries in place - do it gently but do it - you are young to have already joined the sandwich generation, you need to find ways to protect your time. Turn your phone off for a few hours - skip
the odd visit, start taking your life back.

@OlliEliza Your feelings are valid.

You are in a lose-lose situation - if you continue as you are, you are a good daughter but you run yourself ragged; if you prioritise your husband and family, you have a more manageable load but you have the guilt of being viewed as a bad daughter.

In your situation, you just have accept that you are not like most posters on here who have English speaking and culturally British parents, and try not to compare yourself directly as the read across can be misleading.

But you should step back a bit and begin to reallocate more of your time to your nuclear family. You can say to them "You know how busy it is when you have a young child". You should often tell them "Now I'm a mother, I really appreciate what you did for us when we were young as you must have been really tired by the end of the day every day, like I am.'

You should also try to understand what is actually making you tired. Squeezed middle pressures? Working flat out with tight logistics to cover the mortgage and costs of running a home and raising a child? What were those inputs in your birth country when your family were raising you? Were they both working or did one parent stay at home?

If they are not English speakers, are they aware of the current economic landscape in the UK? Do they know that houses cost 8 times average earnings now? What was that metric when they bought their family home in their origin country?

If you can understand what their context was when they were raising a family, you can then identify the information gap, and educate them about the reality of your life. They may begin to understand the immense financial and logistical pressures that British families are under today, and be motivated to help out.

You have been an excellent daughter, doing a massive amount of reverse caregiving, sharing holidays with your parents, and maintaining and expanding their social spheres. Understanding that they still have a stake in your life may well be a light bulb moment for them.

Good luck.

The sheer entitlement of this:
"My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?"
You chose to have a child. And the odds are that you will probably choose to have one or more other children.
Your exhaustion is called parenthood. Sort yourselves out. How do you think single parents, many of whom have no family support, get on?

Pay a babysitter.
As your daughter gets older she will be easier to mind and your parents might enjoy her staying every now and again.

At least you can call on them in an emergency - some people don't have that.

without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter

Well, yes. Because otherwise the child would have 4 parents. This is exactly what distinguishes parents from grandparents.

I think you missed the fact that OP’s parents are expecting lots of support from her - admin, holidays and multiple calls a day. That’s partly why she’s exhausted.

In those circumstances it’s not unreasonable to expect some support in return. Or to decide to drop the support to her parents.

What an excellent, considered, compassionate post.

I think I'm in minority on here but I think its.mean when grandparents don't offer help with their grandchildren. Obviously its your child and they have the right but its certainly not what I'll be like. Raising children is really hard and its supporting your own children to help with theirs. I'm not saying they have to have your child every day but if theyre fit and able and want to be part of your life, I think its mean to not give you a break sometime.
We are very lucky thay both sets love having our kids and want to do it regularly and I will absolutely do that if I get my own grandchildren. It takes a village!

I think it’s unfair on you. I wouldn’t help them as much if I were you. They need to learn the concept of reciprocity

Well don’t. They don’t get help and support from you if it does go back the other way.

at the moment you’re exhausted because you are taking care of yourself child and your parents. Your parents don’t have to take care of your child to relieve some of the burden on you- they can just start taking care of themselves

My son is older nowadays so very little effort but I could have written your posts.

I get regular messages from my parents who live c. 45 minutes away about how it's "ages since we've seen them" but they've barely lifted a finger for his whole life. The only time they did was when I was getting therapy as I was going through a serious mental health issue. My dad came across to look after him once a week for an hour for 10 weeks. He never hung around, never did anything like change a nappy or take him to the loo. He'd feed him crisps (which I'd never let him have before but ok, he's being looked after.) I was grateful. I bought him a gift to say thank you.

My son is now 15. I had an email recently from my Dad because we were seeing them in March after a Christmas where all of my family fell out with each other and created a massive scene. I'd done most of the organising, everyone was totally ungrateful about it all. But that's another story. Anyway the email was harking back to "how he used to come across and help out with my son... we used to be close, I'd like to see him more..." It has been 12 fucking YEARS since he did that and that's being held over me? 12 YEARS? Less than one hour of help per year and you think I owe you???? It wasn't this one email either. I once had a phone call from my Mum in tears while I was at work "we'd like to see you all more..." It had only been a month since I'd previously seen them.

IMO, YANBU because of their expectations. If they want a lot of contact but aren't prepared to help with something practical, e.g. babysitting from time to time, then it's them who are being unreasonable. I have been pretty blunt with my parents at times that I'm not their community support. If they need me, I will be there and have done so every time I've been asked. But they need friends and hobbies and I'm not that.

With your parents as language is an issue, are there any community groups who can help who speak in their national language? Also there are free language courses at colleges in the UK, if they don't learn they will forever be isolated so better to try now.

Sorry OP but you sound incredibly precious in wanting your parents to babysit so you can “have time as a couple” or to have a “lie in” 🤣 not sure what you expected parenting to involve TBH

I think your expectation of childcare is unfair on them. At the same time their complete dependence on you must be very draining. I would tell them that you can’t help them as you have your hands full with your children. And when they call either don’t answer or say you’re busy and you’ll call them after the children are in bed. That way you can gradually reduce the calls to once daily. Visit less and ditch the holidays.

Your child!!! So you allow then
to see their grandchild so there is a trade off with childcare? That’s a bit fucked up if you ask me.

They should be able to see their GC as they love each other and want a relationship. They don’t owe you childcare. Hilarious. You have a husband to share that with!!