Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

You're stuck between obligations, OP and you need to choose which ones you're prepared to fulfill. You have legal obligations to your DC, so I would prioritise those. Then decide, for yourself, what you think is reasonable. I agree it's not nice if your parents don't want to help with a little babysitting now and again. But you can't make them. You can only change what you do, nto what they do.

You don't have to do what your DF says. And you should probably have a think about whether your DF is being honest or manipulative in what he's been telling you about what you should do and expect. Did he and your DM have help from family bringing you up? Do they look after their parents the way they expect you to look after them?

Your parents have been here for a few years. They need to start learning English. It is not good for them, long term, not to get to grips with the language, at least to the extent they can get by. They are likely to become more and more isolated as they get older and will have really limited access to society. If they are relying on you and you are endlessly available you are not helping them in this regard.

Based on your comment about lack of English and also friends, best thing you can do is to find lessons, they must have been here long enough

Well they won't really as You've taken on a more parental.role in their lives.

Just stop. You don't have the spoons to run around after them for the minute. Have a holiday without them, stop buying them shit and sorting stuff out for them. Your toddler won't stay little forever but their dependency on you will grow.

Speaking as a Grandma I look after my GC 1 day a week. I work the other 4 days. I also babysit, help out when they get sick and my DD has to work (arranging MY work to help out). I am only too pleased to help my DD and her husband. I know too well what it is like to have little support, so if I can help I will and I do it willingly.

I adore my GC, and I will do what I can to lighten my lovely DDs load.

Aside from the issue with your parents, agree with others that, if you live near each other, you and your sister should help each other out more. I had a babysitting circle with some fellow mums when ours were young. We swapped evenings, occasionally weekend afternoons, looking after each other's kids so parents could get a break. It's a cheap way to free up some time and it often helps create friendships that make childcare way easier as DC get older.

Well yes, but all the same - what kind of miserable sods do you have to be that you don't want to have anything to do with your own grandchild, or give your own daughter a breather for a few hours?

Did your Dad help out his parents or the in laws whilst he was also raising you amd your sister? Im not suggesting you repeat this pattern but it might help to understand where he is coming from. Or, if he is being hypocrite!

If he is done doing parenting for now surely its fair to say that as you are a parent yourself now, you are done with daughtering..?

What was your parents relationship like with their parents whilst you were growing up? They do seem to want to have their cake & eat it - did they provide lots of support to their parents whilst also raising you & Dsis? If they did it might be where their expectations come from.

I feel a bit like the squeezed middle in many ways, straddling my parents thinking & young adult DC’s very different thinking. I don’t know if all generations feel that way or even we really are stuck between two very different generations.

I don’t think this needs to be a case of they aren’t helping me so I won’t help them as it’s more you don’t have time or energy to help them. It sounds as
though they rely on you for companionship as they don’t have any friends/do other activities.

I think you need to gently step back a bit and if they ask say the children are getting older and there’s more pressures and they are you priority.

You say they don’t know English? Do they not speak English but are living here?

You are misinformed.

Re-read the OP.

Completely fair - why should grandparents have to do childcare? You chose to have a child, so looking after her is down to you and your partner.

However, it's (separately) not OK for them to expect you to run round after them- ringing you several times a day is totally excessive. So maybe you need to put in a few boundaries on that score.

But you said they’re exhausted by the end of a visit? How can they look after a small child so? My mil used to help a lot with the kids but you could see what it took out of her and she was a young granny! I’m late 40s and am gobsmacked looking at the people I know with young kids! Op the visiting thing, yes they should make more of an effort but in the same way expecting help in return for seeing them isn’t great. Definitely ask can they even do one date night every so often though

“things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground”

These are parental responsibilities. Why would you expect your DM to do them? Some grandparents are far more hands on than others - if your parents aren’t comfortable looking after your DC, it’s not fair of you to expect them to do so. Equally, though, you don’t have to do things for them, or take them on holiday. If them calling several times a day is disruptive, maybe you need to step back a bit - you don’t have to answer the phone every time. As for wanting a lie-in, that is very much for you and your DH to organise - it’s also not something most parents of very young children would be expecting.

Your parents sound difficult. I understand you feel the responsibility though to look after them. Did you get looked after by your grandparents when you and your sister were little?

YANBU. The social contract means that young people take care of their elderly parents and the elderly people offer support with the busy-ness of having young children. They want you to fulfil your end without fulfilling their end.

They have no obligations to provide childcare, likewise you have no obligation to visit regularly if it doesn’t suit you. It’s nice when families can help each other but I’ve learnt the hard way that it isn’t a given. If it’s making more work for you to go see them or host them at yours, just don’t do it so often.

In the real world many grandparents enjoy looking after the grandchildren,even if for a few hours. It is what many people do . It is a shame that they will not even babysit for a couple of hours occasionally.

Daughter wakes yo u at the crack of dawn so alternate lie in. You're constantly exhausted so might be work a Dr's appt to see if you're running low on anything like iron etc. One toddler even with full time jobs shouldn't leave you both constantly so tired.
Of course they're not taking kn repsisnsibity for your child, they didn't choose to have her

You say they don't offer childcare, but do you actually ask them? Something specific? "Could you sit and watch TV at ours on Friday for a couple of hours while Evie is in bed, so we can go out for a meal?" Or ask them to take DD to the playground for half an hour while you clear up at home(or whatever)?

It might become a bit easier for them to look after her when she's a bit older. I'm probably your parents' age and a two-year-old would wear me out!

This is very harsh. They are not obligated but perhaps there are other reasons. My PIL won’t babysit their great granddaughter (both healthy and active) because they do not feel confident in doing so. And that’s fine. They don’t love her any less though

They raised you and now it’s your time to raise your children, this does mean there is less time for them. ‘Village’ is give and take not just every thing on their terms. My parents had terrific parents who were really involved in our childhood but my parents babysat a total of 2 times in 18years and just were unavailable and are now shocked we don’t really have much time in our lives for them now because we are all so busy they are just a afterthought obligation.

Exactly
You and DSis need to agree your joint approach

This with bells on it.

I don’t think that the childcare is the issue. It’s that you’re having to be unnaturally available to your parents - sounds as if you actually have more dependents than just your daughter. You need to do what you actually enjoy with your parents and cut back a bit

I think you need to address the issue. Punsihment is needed, pay for constant need. I wouldnt charge much though, but i would tell them to contribute, or they cannot see the child. Its tough love.