Parents expect visits but won't offer help with childcare - fair?

[OlliEliza]

My parents live very close to us (less than a mile away), and I’ve always felt we had a good relationship. They’ve always enjoyed spending time with me and my sister since we moved out. They don’t have many friends, and I’d say they rely on us quite a lot – we often take them on holiday, buy tickets for them, help them sort things out, and they call me several times a day.

I have a two-year-old daughter. They love her, but they don’t offer any help with her. They expect me to visit them regularly because they’re used to seeing us. Usually, when we visit, they enjoy her company for a while, but by the end they’re tired and want to go back to their usual routine.

It feels like they want constant access to my child without taking on any responsibility for her ,things like dealing with tantrums, feeding her, or taking her to the playground, and I still have to organise everything for them as their daughter. Sometimes they come over to ours, but it’s the same situation – they’re more like guests.

My dad often says they’ve already raised me and my sister and don’t want to get involved again. They can help if I ask, but they never offer it themselves. And when they have babysat, my dad has seemed annoyed, and neither of them appears particularly happy, which makes me uncomfortable asking again.

My husband and I are constantly exhausted from everyday life – work, chores, and looking after a toddler. I honestly can’t remember the last time we spent proper time together as a couple – going out for a meal feels like a distant dream. I do love my parents, and I understand they don’t have to help with childcare if they don’t want to, but I do feel frustrated that we see each other so often and yet I never get a proper break, or even the chance to have a lie-in now and then (my daughter wakes us at the crack of dawn).AIBU to be annoyed about it?

How do you think those of us without parents at all managed?

We chose to have children, therefore our 'problem' to sort out

Maybe set up a spreadsheet while you're about it...

This

I think it depends very much on your cultural background. You're getting replies and advice from native Brits who have a very different viewpoint to some other cultures who see family obligation very differently.

We didn’t get much GP support when out 3 DC were young. This was despite both sets living within walking distance. We had 3 under 3 (twins the second time) and my DH was diagnosed with MS when they were toddlers. I was on my knees tbh. It was disappointing especially from my ILs as our DC are their only DGC & they were only in early 50s at the time. No elderly parents to help either.
My own DPs had 9 DGC in total. One niece lived with them (along with her dad) so they brought her up really. DM also had both parents living and helped them a lot.
So I didn’t have as much expectation of help from them. My DM would happily babysit in the evening the rare time we went out.
It was disappointing & those early years were difficult. Luckily DH & I were a team & just got on with it.
It did affect our relationship with his parents & now his mum is on her own & getting older I’m not inclined to help her much. DH needs a lot of support now & she barely visits or shows much interest in him
at all (she’s early 70s & in ok health).
If she needs care in the future she can pay for it as far as I am concerned. But that’s more to do with not supporting her only child through disability in his late 20s onwards than expectations of childcare. There is a lot of resentment there but it’s a long time ago so I really need to get over it.

Seriously? Of course they want to see their granddaughter. And it’s not their responsibility to look after her. Stop taking them on holiday?

Me and my sisters would each look after the other’s children overnight on a monthly basis so we each had one night child free a month. It’s a great way for cousins to bond.
My DH and would take turns each weekend for a lie in as DD was an early riser. Whatever time she woke up (after 6am) one would take her downstairs then bring a brew and toast up to the other at 9.30. It worked really well.

Well if you were without parents presumably you weren’t using a big proportion of your energy and money supporting them like the OP is with hers…

What?

Absolutely you do not!

You have (rightly) no say over your offspring's procreation choices. What if they want half-a-dozen kids each??

Bonkers

Money no. Energy (and emotion) while they were dying...yes

You should cut down visits and what your doing for them as your exhausted and your efforts and energy need to be focused on your young children right now. They have plenty of time child free to sort and organise their own lives. Visit less often creating time and energy for your immediate family.

Your parents must feel very isolated and lonely living in the U.K. and not able to speak English. I can understand why you and your sister feel responsible because you are their only means of having a social life.
I would sit them down and explain it’s a lot harder to juggle work, household chores, shopping, spend time with husband as well as being a busy mum with a two year old to help them as much. You understand why they lean on you and sister so much but you need some help too. It’s all well and good saying you are obligated to them but they don’t ever want to help you and sister out.

Your poor mum and dad.

Why are they poor? They make no effort, just expect the OP to run around at their bidding. They can’t even be bothered learning the language.

Another entitled mother !!! Yes YABU.

Yes... same here. GPs saw their role as judging us when we hosted family gatherings for their benefit and had very little interest in our DCs - their loss.

I think your sister is your best bet.. help each other out. win win.

Amazing how many parents do think they are entitled to a say over their kids choices to be a parent. “When are you to going to give us grandchildren?” , “you better hurry up and give us grandkids”, my own mother to me “I’m so sad you’re never going to have children “ (I am currently pregnant).

Speaking to a work colleague the other day “I really think I should speak to my DIL about her decision to delay kids. I always thought I’d be a grandmother by now”

it might not be right, but parents and family members have always been sticking their oar in when it comes to people’s choices

Pop to them for an hour if you fancy it, other than that don’t give it any thought.

Spend some of the money that you are spending on buying them tickets/taking them on holiday with you on buying babysitter/childcare time.

A lot of people are missing the point of this post. No, grandparents are not obligated to take care of their grandchildren BUT adult children are also not obligated to take care of their parents.

OP, your parents are incredibly demanding and unreasonable. They have put a lot on you and it seems like you feel like it has become an obligation and you would just like a little in return. You are at the busiest phase of your life and rather than helping or at least stepping back to let you focus on your child, husband, career (if you have one), your parents are putting unfair expectations on you and using guilt to manipulate you.

This is not a sustainable arrangement and part of the reason you are so exhausted is because you are taking care of a 2year old AND your parents.

A few things:

1. Your parents chose to have children. You are not indebted to them indefinitely for making this choice.
2. You can be a good daughter and still have boundaries. Your parents are expecting far too much with phone calls multiple times a day, being taken on all your holidays, and getting together whenever they want while seemingly offering absolutely nothing in return.
3. Your parents have made a choice not to make friends. It is not your responsibility to be their only social outlet.
4. Your parents have tools to learn English or translate things. They are grown adults, not children.
5. You have the right to put your child and husband first at this phase of your life without being guilted for it.
6. You are an adult now and adult relationships should be a two-way street.
7. You can love your parents and be a good daughter and not live on their terms. If they choose to see it differently, this is on them. You can not be responsible for how they choose to feel, especially when they are being this unreasonable.

Your parents sound incredibly needy and self-centered. I feel sorry for you, OP. This is a tough position and I can tell you from experience, it will only get much worse unless you set some boundaries now and stick to them.

You sound very entitled. I had four children and lived a long way from any relative. Working and bringing up children is normal, it never occurred to me that I might need a break, maybe it wasn’t a thing then. The fact is that your parents have done their bit. They brought up their children and now it’s your turn to bring up yours. Let’s hope that when you are their age, your children will give you the help you need, without expecting you to look after their children in return.

I would say the dad wins in the 'sounding entitled' stakes, wouldn't you?

Has the OP stated clearly that the money for the tickets and the holidays comes out of her pocket - she books - but is it with her money or her parent's money?

Does her ex have the kids 50% of the time?

You think if they were, or if the OP valued them, she might have mentioned it?