Would you judge me if I was your colleague?

[stressystress]

I’m off work long-term (3 weeks in) due to stress and trauma related to serious domestic abuse and ongoing legal matters (divorce, family court, police investigation and forcing a house sale). I’m a single parent to a toddler and I only work part time anyway. I’d only been back at work 6 months from maternity leave before I got signed off. I wasn’t sleeping well or concentrating, and the stress and pressure of everything has been, and is, so much to wade through, all at the same time.

I am really worried my manager thinks I am taking too much time off. I have been off for 3 weeks so far. She knows the context and was very sympathetic to my situation until I went off work. I have just had my fit note renewed and she sounded less than happy through the phone. Within minutes into the call she had mentioned the absence policy, what stage I was already at and how it can ultimately lead to disciplinary, asked me if it was anything about my actual role that I am not getting on with and kept saying things like ‘even more time off’.

By way of context, I have had zero sick leave since returning from maternity leave and have picked up extra work where I can. Before I had my baby I had been in the same team a few years and I think I was only ever sick once before being pregnant. I try my best to be as reliable as I can, I hate taking time off but these are really stressful extenuating circumstances that would be horrible individually never mind all at once.

What can I do? I work for a large employer with very decent policies on the whole, I am part of a union and have forwarded any correspondence between me and my manager to them so far. I have asked for an occupational health referral. I’m trying to keep a paper trail just in case I need it.

Does anyone have any advice/support of this situation? I can foresee I might need to extend my sick note again and dread having to phone my manager again.

It’s a small team within a much larger organisation, and it’s probably strain on them that I am not there. I feel sick thinking they will all think I am just slacking or can’t be bothered, when actually, I love my job and I’d much prefer to have an ordinary carry on and be at work right now!

Honestly some will some won't judge. I personally push through everything to do my obligations. It is totally not healthy on my part and probably why I've had a recent breakdown. Take sometime. Hugs to you

I was off for a year before I was finished at work, like you it was domestic abuse, I was raped by my then husband. During that time I had a miscarriage (not his baby) & 4 rounds of surgery including a hysterectomy 8 months after the miscarriage while trying to start a new life as a single parent & being homeless for 6 months. I was having weekly CBT & trauma therapy after being diagnosed with PTSD & work wasn't something I could cope with. I only worked term time yet my manager insisted on having weekly phone calls during school holidays when I wasn't even contracted to work, my new partner had taken me & ds away for a week to the seaside to visit his mum to get me out of the house & have a change of scenery before my next operation & on one day she rang me 11 times in one hour because I didn't answer her calls, when I finally rang her back she berated me for not answering the phone immediately, she expected me to spend every day with my phone in my hand just in case she rang. I went to occupational health who did a report saying that I was in no fit state to work & the pressure she was putting me under could cause significant risk to my mental health. I forwarded the report to my union rep who immediately passed it to the regional rep as he felt it would be better dealt with by a woman. Then my manager called me into face to face meetings with her & her manager, the union rep always attended the meetings with me & pointed out at every meeting that my manager was putting me under unacceptable pressure despite the fact that I had complied with all the sickness absence rules, had attended occupational health & had even sent in copies of reports from my counsellor & consultants at the hospital along with my fit notes. By the time I had been off 9 months I knew I couldn't go back, it wasn't just my manager, it was things like when someone was off sick for an extended length of time it was usual to get get well cards & gift or flowers, this was usually organised by the manager, I had worked there 26 years & friends would text, I got complete radio silence, my parents had taken me to town one day just after one of my operations, parked outside the shop we needed to go to to buy ds birthday presents & took me to the restaurant for a coffee before we went home, one of my colleagues blanked me when they walked past, it was someone I had always thought of as a friend. After 14 months it was finally decided to finish me, it was a relief, but first I had to attend a meeting with my manager & the department manager to arrange a finish date, tie up any loose ends before a decision was made about what level of compensation I would get as severance, this meeting was supposed to be confidential but they decided to hold it in an office in the public part of the building, every colleague who worked in this area knew exactly why I was there. After the meeting I had to wait for my union rep to ring me to let me know what level of compensation I would get, it could be from 3 to 12 months pay, she rang first to say my manager only wanted to award me 6 months but that she was going to argue for the full 12 months on the grounds I had complied with everything asked of me while I was off sick & I had a 26 year unblemished employment record plus if I didn't get it we were going to file a grievance against my manager for the amount of what in reality was harassment of weekly phone calls & I would take back my agreement of a leaving date until it was dealt with, 20 minutes later I had 12 months compensation. No job is worth your health, you need time to process what has happened to you & to heal as best you can, use your union rep as much as you can, it's what you pay your membership for, don't feel pressured to go back until you are ready.

I don’t think it helps that jobs these days are also much more stressful than they used to be.

I think for me, it depends on how long a person may be off in these circumstances. Some time to recover from the initial shock of domestic abuse and any physical injury, and the initial shock of divorce and the practical implications of having to move, is understandable and fair enough, but a very prolonged term of absence from work would leave me wondering whether they could in fact return to work, especially when working part time, and whether starting to adjust to a new 'normal' including going to work, might be a reasonable thing to do.
It's possible to think this, and to have compassion at the same time for the awful time the person has been through.

Agreed. I think how much sick pay is available can make a big difference.

Many workplaces must struggle to keep people on the books who aren't working but absent. I'm sorry to all who are struggling but the workplaces too

Honestly don't let your manager get to you once you are back at work and pick up some extra work or cover someone else's shift you will be the best person ever and this will be forgotten. Some managers are just like this they have very short memories.

I don't want to derail the thread, but I think this is a debatable view.

she may be worrying that she’s going to fall foul of a process, don’t assume it’s about you. You are in a stressful place and are understandably panicking and reading things into probably innocuous comments. . It’s irrelevant whether she likes you or - I can assure you she won’t be thinking of you as much as you are thinking about her. I’ve been there, the over thinking employee and the manager wanting to make sure I do things correctly.

No I absolutely wouldn’t judge you.
If I knew your situation, would be offering help.

so your colleagues are now apparently covering your work indefinitely and they have zero clue when it will stop.

So they may not judge, but they may also not be super friendly (and i know it's not your fault this is happening, but they are only human) when you come back.

It's hard for everyone. I hope everything eases off for you soon, it is so difficult to be in your position [Flowers]

you are appalled that posters can have sympathy/empathy for both OP and her colleagues/manager who are likely having to cover her work?

Really?
OP asked. And she is getting useful feedback.

Agree x 2

I don’t think your manager did anything wrong by setting out the absence policy. You should be aware of it and may people wouldn’t be. It would be overkill to mention it in the first wave of absence, but you are heading into, what? 4-6+ more weeks? And months+ by your last update. It’s prudent for her to bring up the policy when you are experiencing something where that policy applies.

Unfortunately, if you’re going to be off on long-term sick leave, then it’s inevitable that you’ll have to consider the repercussions on your employment contract.

Yes I’d likely judge TBH - I’m just being honest here - but depends on how serious the DV was/nature of it and that’s something your manager or colleagues isn’t likely to have the details of. As others have said I’d feel sorry for you but I’d be annoyed at taking on additional workload for what sounds like could be several months. Lots of people still manage work with family court and divorce and house sales and other traumatic events in their lives and their first thought isn’t to get themselves signed off work especially if the don’t have the luxury of being signed off if their workplace only offers Stat sick pay

Why are speaking to me like you're my manager? I told her to grow up because she was just arguing back and forth. It is toxic to suggest that somebody does the same as them because they were able to power through, therefore everybody else should be! I responded because I didn't want the OP to feel guilty tripped about going back to work when she is taking time off for a very legitimate reason.

Of course, but sometimes mental health isn't fixed in a couple of weeks and needs a bit longer. Better off staying off and coming back to work when you're actually ready so that there's less risk of not managing. Should never be judgement though, especially from the manager.

I think she can be both sympathetic and obliged to remind you of/follow the sickness absence policy.

Ultimately her job is to do the best for the business and if your illness, regardless of its cause, is likely to mean a protracted absence, she needs to manage that.

I wouldn’t judge you as i also came back from mat leave and had a breakdown from exhaustion six months later.

I had 6 weeks off. My manager has been thankfully great. Nearly a year on now and not actually had a sick day off since.

I wouldn’t be judging but as a manager I would be ensuring that I was doing everything correctly as far as the absence policy goes having it in mind that I may need to manage you out in the future.

there is only so much time individual sickness a team can take

Why would I leave when I am ill?

I personally agree that was also my experience. But everyone is different and it also depends on the type of job you have. If you cannot perform then that's more likely to impact you negatively than having time off.

I think you should try and return to work, especially if you are on part time hours. IME of extreme stress (bereavement related), work and a regular routine is a good distraction and a positive for your mental health improving, and being tired from work helps you sleep.

@stressystress you clearly do have a lot to deal with and it's understandable that you need some time off. I think the issue for me would be the open endedness of it and the impact and uncertainty for the workplace and your colleagues. Particularly if you're on full pay so the company can't fund a temp to cover at least some of your work.
Because at the end of the day it's reasonable to expect you to be able to do your job and not reasonable to expect it to be for the workplace to mitigate all of your issues out of work impacting on your health.
I think if you're planning to be off long term for these sort of reasons you could risk it being queried whether you are well enough to keep your job. Especially as it's part time so arguably should give you more scope to manage the pressures other than work.

Maybe I am your manager….