Would you judge me if I was your colleague?

[stressystress]

I’m off work long-term (3 weeks in) due to stress and trauma related to serious domestic abuse and ongoing legal matters (divorce, family court, police investigation and forcing a house sale). I’m a single parent to a toddler and I only work part time anyway. I’d only been back at work 6 months from maternity leave before I got signed off. I wasn’t sleeping well or concentrating, and the stress and pressure of everything has been, and is, so much to wade through, all at the same time.

I am really worried my manager thinks I am taking too much time off. I have been off for 3 weeks so far. She knows the context and was very sympathetic to my situation until I went off work. I have just had my fit note renewed and she sounded less than happy through the phone. Within minutes into the call she had mentioned the absence policy, what stage I was already at and how it can ultimately lead to disciplinary, asked me if it was anything about my actual role that I am not getting on with and kept saying things like ‘even more time off’.

By way of context, I have had zero sick leave since returning from maternity leave and have picked up extra work where I can. Before I had my baby I had been in the same team a few years and I think I was only ever sick once before being pregnant. I try my best to be as reliable as I can, I hate taking time off but these are really stressful extenuating circumstances that would be horrible individually never mind all at once.

What can I do? I work for a large employer with very decent policies on the whole, I am part of a union and have forwarded any correspondence between me and my manager to them so far. I have asked for an occupational health referral. I’m trying to keep a paper trail just in case I need it.

Does anyone have any advice/support of this situation? I can foresee I might need to extend my sick note again and dread having to phone my manager again.

It’s a small team within a much larger organisation, and it’s probably strain on them that I am not there. I feel sick thinking they will all think I am just slacking or can’t be bothered, when actually, I love my job and I’d much prefer to have an ordinary carry on and be at work right now!

It's toxic to tell other people to do the same as you! I had time off after multiple pregnancy losses etc... For some, going back to work quickly would be ok for them but not for everybody. For the 3rd pregnancy loss, I wasn't well enough physically (as it was complex and traumatic), never mind mentally. This is why it's nobody's business except the person who is off, their GP and their manager. I hope you're not a manager, along with many others on this thread.

Having a different opinion is not toxic

As I've replied to somebody else the same thing, I can say that. What is right for you isn't right for everybody. If OP needs time off, she needs time off. Not everybody who goes off on the sick is taking the piss, it is a genuine need sometimes. As I've said to others, I hope you're not a manager.

Telling people they should be able to get through it and back to work is.

Ok, that’s fair enough. In my experience the GP hasn’t made any contact with me in 3 years

But you you’re now judging @ReadingSoManyThreads for not responding how you think they should?

I'm not judging her, I just don't think it's helpful to take months off. You think I was stronger or morally superior? Have you almost been killed by someone? You can seriously fuck off. You have no idea of the hell I endured and the trauma I still suffer to this very day. Sitting at home stressing would have made my mental health even worse, as it would with most people. Reliving it over and over and over. Seriously think before you make ridiculous comments to someone who survived hell.

I don't think you understand what toxic means.

Good grief. You don’t have the monopoly on suffering. Show some compassion for the OP instead of trying to dictate how she should respond to her trauma

Grow up.

I'm not saying I do, nor am I claiming to. I do feel for the OP, I absolutely do, having been in her shoes. I'm also not dictating how she should respond to her trauma. You really seem to twist my comments to suit your own narrative. People post for opinions, people give them, and they get berated for it.

Sorry, I’m not trying to twist anyone’s comments. It’s good that you recognise that going back to work quickly might have been the best option for you but it isn’t necessarily so for the OP.

OP I would never say anything to you in real life, but since you’ve asked on here, I’ll be honest. I would feel sorry for you, but I would be pissed off at having to cover you.

A colleague of mine has a vile husband. Not physically abusive as far as I know, but definitely mentally abusive. And lazy. So everything falls to her. But she idolises him.

Every now and then it gets too much for her, and she has a week or so off with stress/exhaustion. It used to be my job to cover her work. About 3 years ago she went off sick for several months, and it nearly broke me. We got temporary cover in when we could, but anyone who’s worked with temps knows they don’t pick up much of the work. Just the superficial stuff.

As soon as my colleague returned I resigned from my role, and stepped down to a far lower level, and a significant pay cut. I couldn’t risk having to cover her again. It was truly awful.

I understand what you’re going through as I am going through the same thing although the work situation is different to yours. I have been through domestic abuse which has carried on since leaving him and has now resulted in the family court. The thing is, when does this end? How do you know you will be feeling more level headed even in a few months? This year has completely broken me and has driven me to some very nasty thoughts which I just can’t shake. I left my previous job whilst pregnant due to complications within the pregnancy and just kept a part time cleaning job that I had. On the midst off everything that has been going on in my life and the thoughts surrounding my mind I have actually applied and about to start another job anytime now (Just waiting for the dbs to come back). I just had a moment where I’d had enough and nothing was actually getting better, all I was doing was trying to run away from the problems and everything that was tormenting my life so I applied for the job and was then questioning whether I’d made the right choice or not. I’ve sat for hours everyday telling myself I will feel better in a few weeks or by this time ect but the truth is it doesn’t just get better and family court is soul destroying especially in circumstances where there is domestic abuse. The family court can drag out for months if not a year and having just had the first court hearing myself where I attended i was a crying wreck in the court room whilst listening to his barrister undermine everything he has done to me and my children. The judges weren’t much better either tbh. It is now months until we have the next hearing so im back sitting waiting and feeling on edge. Theres the element where taking time out is the best thing but then it just becomes a cycle of needing more time and more time and nothing ultimately changes. I’d say it wouldn’t be unreasonable for your manager to feel frustrated about having to get your workload covered but that doesn’t mean she still doesn’t sympathise with you. It’s that life goes on and as blunt as it is, it’s true and not everyone is going to feel for the situations we are in no matter how desperate and difficult that may be especially in the workplace. I have let my employer to be know that I have court hearings coming up and even with that I feel a burden because it will mean shifting work around which is a pain. Obviously I’m not judging because I am going through similar especially the way you’re feeling. I can’t even find motivation to see the point in life most days but I know I had to do something and try break this cycle because as I said it just never ends, these desperate and clouded mind feelings don’t just go away especially when facing family court on top of it all.

They can be annoyed you are sick but not necessarily judging you personally. It's always shit when a colleague is out sick and you are picking up the slack. I'm currently really pissed off my work partner has handed in her notice, no replacement yet so there won't be a hand over period and I'll be landed in it. But I'm delighted for her new position and think its for the best for her personally. If I'm getting stressed this week about how I'm going to cope it's not out of judgment of her but annoyance of the situation I'm in. I'm sure it's much the same with you OP.

i am a manager- I listen to people all day long and their varied and different opinions on all sorts of things .I don’t bat an eye lid- but when I hear people calling other people toxic or telling them to grow up that usually gets my attention-

the op asked for advice and people are responding -

the op has anxiety about not being in work so it’s not unreasonable to suggest actually going back to work- so at least with everything else she has going on she doesn’t have work anxiety on top.

the op is asking if people would judge her and people are being honest and this is useful information to the OP.

That’s really not your colleagues fault though, it is a management failure to expect other staff to pick up the slack to that extent.

@Pickmygateplants it’s reality. There’ll never be a pool of perfect temporary employees to step in. If they were perfect they wouldn’t be temping. And anyway, I work for the NHS. There’s no money.

Sorry for the essay in previous comment, what I’m really trying to say is that just consider this more. You will have the added burden of anxiety with extending your sick leave, possibly worrying about the outcome and even finally returning to work. Just like you I want to hide away and find myself again and I honestly feel like I’m taking on so much more stress and weight by going back to work full time when I already feel pushed to my limits and broken but the constant chasing of more time and more time just isn’t working so I had to do something drastic and quite the opposite of what I feel I need. I really want to go back to work I just don’t feel I am ready but I’m still going to. This isn’t me pushing hierarchy because I am at rock bottom and I truly have given up, I’m past my expiry date with believing and holding onto hope and just don’t see the point in being here anymore because nothing gives. That’s just my input which may or may not be relatable but the needing more time cycle is really awful so thought I’d give you my perspective on that.

Companies have very little actual loyalty to employees. You really do have to look out for yourself, which you are. You need this time off. You have rights and employment benefits, including sick leave, that have been hard fought for so you should feel no shame at all in using them. It can be reassuring if you remind yourself of your employment rights in relation to sick leave and paternal/carers leave, so you can reference things in conversations with your manager if needed. Very smart to talk to the union and to keep a paper trail.

Fucking hell I’m appalled at the posters on here! You are going through hell (I’m going through similar but lost my job and it’s hell trying to relocate and find a new job at the same time as I’m also having to sell the house!).

Do have an IDVA who can advocate for you/offer other support?

Please be kind to yourself. Sending you hugs!

Ive been through this as well and PP is correct, family court and divorce is a looooonnnng process. Depending where you are in the process, I would ask yourself honestly, outside of the upset of your situation, what is the barrier stopping you wanting to go to work? IMO I think the longer you are off, the more difficult you will find it to go back. Having said that, I would also consider if your role is a 'career' one, so you want to carry it on because it has prospects, or if it is a 'job' that you dont really care about and can pick something else up quite easily. If its the latter, i wouldnt worry about any of it!

Why are you appalled? Isn’t different opinions and perspectives what she asked for? Sometimes it can actually be helpful and beneficial when you hear something that you don’t necessarily want to or just hear some raw truths. I think people here have done that respectfully too. I haven’t been rude or judgmental and I don’t believe the comments saying they would judge her on a professional level are rude either. It’s just a reality, people will sympathise but can still be frustrated or pissed off work wise.

I'd get legal advice OP. If you can't afford it, at least go to Women's Aid for help and guidance. 🩷

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/friends-and-family/

But, but … why don’t you just leave?! 😮