Would you judge me if I was your colleague?

[stressystress]

I’m off work long-term (3 weeks in) due to stress and trauma related to serious domestic abuse and ongoing legal matters (divorce, family court, police investigation and forcing a house sale). I’m a single parent to a toddler and I only work part time anyway. I’d only been back at work 6 months from maternity leave before I got signed off. I wasn’t sleeping well or concentrating, and the stress and pressure of everything has been, and is, so much to wade through, all at the same time.

I am really worried my manager thinks I am taking too much time off. I have been off for 3 weeks so far. She knows the context and was very sympathetic to my situation until I went off work. I have just had my fit note renewed and she sounded less than happy through the phone. Within minutes into the call she had mentioned the absence policy, what stage I was already at and how it can ultimately lead to disciplinary, asked me if it was anything about my actual role that I am not getting on with and kept saying things like ‘even more time off’.

By way of context, I have had zero sick leave since returning from maternity leave and have picked up extra work where I can. Before I had my baby I had been in the same team a few years and I think I was only ever sick once before being pregnant. I try my best to be as reliable as I can, I hate taking time off but these are really stressful extenuating circumstances that would be horrible individually never mind all at once.

What can I do? I work for a large employer with very decent policies on the whole, I am part of a union and have forwarded any correspondence between me and my manager to them so far. I have asked for an occupational health referral. I’m trying to keep a paper trail just in case I need it.

Does anyone have any advice/support of this situation? I can foresee I might need to extend my sick note again and dread having to phone my manager again.

It’s a small team within a much larger organisation, and it’s probably strain on them that I am not there. I feel sick thinking they will all think I am just slacking or can’t be bothered, when actually, I love my job and I’d much prefer to have an ordinary carry on and be at work right now!

Repeatedly renewing short term fit notes is more disruptive to the business than being signed off for 2 months up front (or whatever). It also makes it look like you're not that ill but stringing it out. I'm not saying you are, but that's how it's perceived.

What is it that needs to change for you to go back? What are you doing that means you expect to be off for months but will then be better but that your GP doesn't think you need an 8-week fit note? What support could your employer put in place to enable you to return? Those are valid questions for your employer to ask because you are there to fulfil a contract of service to them.

It doesn't really matter that you hadn't had sick leave in the preceding 6 months. That's a very short period of time.

If she hadn't explained the absence management policy to you and then you'd been invited to a stage one meeting without warning, you would have been upset about being blindsided. You say that she mentioned it within minutes, but surely these aren't very long calls anyway?

I wouldn't judge you and the guilt people feel for taking time off work is ridiculous. The best thing you can do is to take the time you need now, don't allow yourself to be rushed, to ensure when you return, you're doing so in the best possible health. Any pressure on your team is for your manager to manage, absence management isn't just about managing the person who is off but also managing the rest of the team when there is an absence. That is not your job. Please try to focus on yourself.

This, I do think the “how awful are your colleagues!” Posters a re unfair, particularly if the colleagues are having to pick up the extra work. They’ll also be under extreme stress from having the extra work or the anxiety of doing as advised on here “just say no to your manager, you won’t be picking up the slack..”

as a manager, I find I am stuck between a rock and a hard place - yes, we want to be supportive but we also have to make people aware of the policies etc. For example, where I work, there are absence meetings that have to be held after certain periods of time. And we have to make employees aware if they are likely to move away from full sick pay. So do what you need to buy don’t be surprised or upset if your manager needs to keep you informed too. Have you got a copy of the company’s sickness/absence policy to check all of this? Good luck.

It's better to be signed off for a longer chunk as easier for the workplace to manage.

Work can also be a good distraction from problems at home, especially if you work part time.

That’s bollocks. My GP signs me off for 3 months at a time. I’ve never spoken to them, let alone seen them.

I wouldn’t judge, but I might feel stressed and resentful about additional work and pressure even if I knew that it couldn’t be helped. Try not to take it personally. Your manager and colleagues are allowed to feel negative about the situation without that being about judging or blaming you, if you see what I mean.

Call me a cynic, but she can say whatever she likes over the phone to you, and there will be no paper trail of anything. She can then easily deny everything she's said. It would be your word against hers.

you must have a very supportive employer and gp! 3 years off and never had to see the gp for fit lines?

I can't see what your manager has done wrong. Advising you of the policy is the correct thing to do. I imagine she and your other colleagues are sympathetic towards you but are naturally more focused on their own stresses. You've no idea what performance pressures your manager is under or personal and health issues of her own. And she will be managing the workload of the remaining team members, concerned about overload and burnout and quite possiblly worried about their personal circumstances as well. So focus on yourself and dont complain about your manager unless she has actually done something wrong.

I would speak to someone else in your team/HR that you like and trust and ask to do your check ins with them.

I had three months off due to anxiety and stress, just the thought of speaking to my boss was enough to send me into an anxiety attack. It was awful. I wasn't even able to talk to anyone though, so I set up an email address just for work and asked to have email contact only until I was ready. They were fine with it.

Your boss is really skirting the line IMO talking to you like that. If you are not able to work, you're not able to work, and as you say you work within a large org I doubt they don't have some very robust policy guidance in place.

It may also be if you had a good maternity cover who has then left as you came back, only for you to go again and have no backfill this time. Could that be a sore point?

And even if there are staffing issues, or things are harder without you there - you have a responsibility to protect yourself. A manager should be well enough trained to keep their annoyance to themselves, even if they have a moan and a bitch about it later.

I too felt extremely guilty about being off, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I was about >< this close to quitting my job or maybe hurting myself. And I wasn't a victim of dv, it was just work related stress.

Nah, they didn’t cover my maternity

Is she judging you, OP, or just trying to ensure policy is rigorously followed so that you and she know where you stand?

I think it's really difficult with sickness where there isn't a clear recovery path because it is difficult for a manager to know how to make up for the lack of working capacity and it can easily move into capability procedures. So being very clear about what's going on is essential for you and her.

If I were a colleague I wouldn't be judging you just for taking time off sick 6 months after maternity leave. But long leave without an explanation, I probably would be judgy about that, to be honest. Not that it matters. If you need the leave you need it. Recover and then spend time getting things straight. Colleagues leave and move on all the time, and so might you. You can't change how you handle something like this on the basis of what they think of you.

Well when I was on the sick we did regular reviews, so it's not bollocks. That's why I said GP's might not sign off long term, not that they definitely wouldn't.

Sorry but yes. Yes I would. OP what you’ve been through is awful but almost all of us go through trauma, bereavement, illness, tough times and the rest but no way I wouldn’t be showing up regardless and have done.

How utterly toxic!

But true?

I think GPs are so overstretched that they just provide the fitnotes without checking how I am

OP, it would be worth asking the GP for a fitnote for longer so the pressure would be off for a while

I agree with this. My ex H tried to kill me, and despite the trauma of having suffered at his hands for years, his arrest, etc. I still went into work as per usual. I think staying at home just gets you more stressed, and being at work can help take your mind off the shit you're going through.

As for the person after the quoted comment calling it "toxic", that's bollocks. People who carry on through trauma, bereavement, illness, tough times etc. are not toxic by carrying on. It's normal to crack on with things as it helps keep your mind off it, sure take a week off for it, that's completely normal and reasonable, but not months.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. You need to look after yourself, your children, and no one else.

Events happen in people's life that they have no control over and will impact their jobs. I wonder if your manager's tone and words would have been different if you were off with cancer for example.

Yes, they have steps to follow, but it can be done without making people feel shit.

You're doing the right thing by keeping records and informing your union etc. Don't ever assume that an employer won't try and shit on you from a great height if they think they can get away with it. That being said they need to tread very carefully.

I hope life looks brighter soon OP. In the meantime, do not feel bad about doing what you need to do to get through xx

I also agree. I had a few weeks off with the initial trauma but went back to work for the normality and routine - it was hard with the police and social workers ringing all the time but much better than not being there -

I don’t think you can judge the OP like you are stronger or morally superior as people react differently. Maybe if you felt like she did, you would need time off.

Until you know what someone has gone through you can’t say that. Dragged my backside into work in horrendous circumstances mainly so my colleagues didn’t have to pick up the slack and my Clients didn’t suffer. Would have been much much easier to not do so…

I would not be surprised if OP is dismissed in coming months. Her domestic issues aren’t her employer’s problem (harsh but true) to tolerate however bad not to mention many of her colleagues will also have their own problems.

Being a trooper gets no points (especially on Mn) but going off sick, when case law too reflects employers also have a business to run, and tbh employer unlikely to be delighted about extended sick leave whatever the reason is just lying to OP telling her how things should be rather than how they are.