My parents are sleeping in chairs in the living room

[Pigeonangel]

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I live very close and visit often. Always have done, am happy to. They're good company and have been fantastic parents and grandparents. When DH was terminally ill, and subsequently died, I honestly don't know how I'd have got through it without them.

That was only 5 years ago, they were there constantly for all of us, helping with house and car repairs, running errands etc. Until they hit 80 they were amazing sprightly older people who could do anything - furious at the suggestion they might be "vulnerable" during lockdown 🤣

How things change. In a matter of months they've both had health issues that mean their mobility is badly affected. Until recently it always seemed to be worse for one at a time and they're a great team so got by supporting each other, without asking or wanting much from me.

Now Mum can shuffle a bit with a frame and Dad is unable to walk at all. Last night they both slept in chairs downstairs. Mum suffles about to get food, do some cleaning and bring him a bed bottle etc. She managed to do a roast dinner for them both at the weekend, although I can't believe for a minute that would have been safe.

Mentally they are both totally with it, the house is perfectly livable (ie not dirty, if not practical), they seem OK from a personal hygiene pov, and are insisting they don't need anything from me or social services, they slept well last night and can manage.

Am I supposed to just leave it at that? I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's just me with DH gone, my DC live away and DSis is also several 100 miles away but has lots of opinions on how Mum and Dad should behave.

I don't know what to do.

You've had some excellent advice on here from people who have been there.
My mother never lost capacity so everything was either crisis or tough persuasion.
I think you probably have more influence than you think but you may have to be firm and spell out the consequences of doing nothing as well as the benefits of "trying out" some "temporary" changes.

Occupational health are the ones who might make some small practical changes. Mum was shuffling with a frame and they gave her a trolley to push. It was a massive help and safer.
A stair lift would enable them to sleep in their bed.

My mum had plenty of money but wouldn’t spend it so the attendance allowance was great and it’s not means tested that would make it very attractive.

You need to talk With them and see what they are open to

As others have suggested, please try and ask them to agree that you have power of attorney whilst they have mental capacity to do so. Events can quickly escalate and then decisions are taken out of your parents' hands.
With waiting lists being so long, it's a very good idea to try and set up their bedroom downstairs.
The trouble is at this stage, your parents may be thinking this a temporary phase until they "get better". I hope they do, but unfortunately this could be the start of a decline that isn't reversible, so best to make them as comfortable as possible now. Also check with social services that they are getting all the benefits and help they are entitled to. Age UK have great advice: https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/
Sending hugs as know it's horrible seeing your parents age before your eyes.

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It doesn’t sound like power of attorney would be a good suggestion for these two they sound tough as old boots.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

You will have to get an outside person like a public health nurse, or OT to do all the recommendations as your parents will say they don’t need any help and might even try to stop someone helping.

The only thing is that medical professionals are so used to this, they won’t think you are a bad daughter if things get bad. Nobody will. Anyone with any dealings with elderly parents will completely understand.

I hope you are ok x

I think all you can do is wait a bit until it all starts to get a bit old and they are ready for changes. Bed and shower room downstairs etc. or even a move to a more suitable home/flat/bungalow.

Start coming up with ideas that would be best for them so you can move quickly once the current situation is no longer suitable.

You don't.

You recommend to your parents that they may be able to get equipment that makes life easier for them. It's not about carers or beds in living rooms (lots of people hate that!) but about some small adjustments that will just make life easier.

As you say, they are mentally all there and therefore can't force them to do things against their will.

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do

i remember well that feeling of flailing around wanting to make my mums life better but not knowing how or what to do. It’s really frustrating, especially when they say they’re fine, they can manage, stop making a fuss. Knowing full well that you’ll be the one that has to sort out the inevitable mess when there’s a crisis. The only thing I can helpfully say is to do lots and lots of reading and research, so that when the crisis does come you have some idea of who the agencies are in your parents area, what are the best care homes

The one approach that could work is to ask them what their wishes are as they get older and more infirm - eg where they’d draw the line about living at home or in residential care, what kind of medical treatment they’d want if they got dementia and lost capacity (e.g. would they still want antibiotics for pneumonia.) Mine just said they’d manage somehow, and then said they’d worry about it when they got to that point.

The collective experience on the elderly parents board is that it is very rare for any of us to actively plan for old age by downsizing and proactively adapting their house and garden. We’re all think we will, but we never get to the point where we think we’re old enough to start doing it, by which time it’s too late. It seems that most people think they will enjoy their retirement up to the point they have a medical event like a major stroke or heart attack and that will be it, good night Vienna. As happened to their own parents and grandparents. However, these days people increasingly survive these medical events, but in a much more frail state, needing care and support for years.

sending sympathy and solidarity.

They may not be willing to accept any suggestions but there are a few practical things you may be able to get them to agree to...

If they would stock the freezer from somewhere like Wiltshire Farm Foods, your mum can then cook when she wants to but has the option to heat up a meal if she prefers. We found over time they found they liked the WFF meals and used them more.

Is there a tray to enable your mum to carry meals more easily that would fit on her Zimmer? If not, would she accept a trolly specifically for serving meals which would enable her to do that safely?

For washing, would they find wipes convenient for feet, legs etc (and any other bits they want to use them on). Also perhaps dry shampoo sachets.

Would they accept a chiropodist and a hairdresser to visit them at home? Its a nice way to start accepting people coming in to do things, in a way that a lot of people find 'more' reasonable than a cleaner or heslhcare.

Your dad's toileting sounds the biggest worry to me. He can pee in a bottle but that doesn't solve the issue. My FIL has accepted a night time commode so he can go more quickly if he wakes in the night. He has however also accepted Tena Men so he might be in a more accepting place than your dad at the moment.

With my in laws we found getting some things started opened the gates to more. My dad did some very practical things like grab rails himself quite early and has heavily resisted since then but is now reluctantly accepting some help with tasks. Everyone's individual but we just kept trying until they accepted small things!

Oh, and an automatic nightlight so if they wake in the night they can see at least!

Your mum should be claiming carers allowance and one if not both should get attendance allowance this money should then be spent on cleaners/carers. Age concern are very helpful and can provide contacts for fully vetted carers. They are not managing they are skirting disaster.

' I haven’t got the luxury of waiting for a fall before things get resolved'

Obviously the last thing any one of is wants is for our frail relatives to fall. It certainly is not a 'luxury'.

However we cannot and should not force things on them that they are not ready to accept. It is lovely and a bit naive to think we can just be firm and they'll go along with it, many people do not want intervention and assistance until it becomes absolutely desperate sadly.

We have to respect their wishes and do what we can, stepping in when the situation deteriorates unfortunately.

Firstly, be gentle with them and try to make any necessary changes sounds like their own ideas……..I hope that makes sense OP,

Could you suggest ready meals so all they have to do is reheat them? Are you in a position to batch cook and freeze any meals? Encourage them to drink enough, dehydration will make them feel lethargic and often disoriented. Can you look through their medication to ensure they’re taking correct dosage?

Assure them that their safety is your primary concern and having some help and support in their home isn’t a failure or an intrusion……it’s to keep them safe and in their own home.

I do hope you can convince them to accept some support……I’ve been there in the past and I know too well how challenging things can be.

Good luck OP, sending you a virtual hug 💐

Hi, although you can’t tell them what to do you can spell out to them the consequences of how they are currently living. If they want to remain able to care from themselves in their own home they need to make some adjustments. A star lift and rise and recline chair were transformational for my Dad. That would enable them to safely access toilet upstairs and bed or alternatively bring bedroom downstairs and look into getting a downstairs loo, if they can afford it. If they have a fall due to unsafely using stairs etc they may end up losing their independence. Frame it as a way of keeping their independence rather than them getting old and they may be able to live safely at home another 10+ years

You can get proper lifts installed that go up through the ceiling. That way they could both go up and down safely.

You could ask them if they think for future proofing they might like dini g room made I to a downstairs bedroom for them both. You could talk to them separately suggesting it would be more comfortable for the other one.

You can buy a small kettle that is lighter than a standard sized one.

Get grab rails in shower and a mat so they don't slip when showering.

No, not without their agreement. A family conversation is needed here.
Pretty fed up of the MN attitude that old people are toddlers who need to accept they should have no control over their own lives.

I think you’re being naive to think their current problems will be resolved and what? they’re suddenly mobile again?
You obviously worry about them, if they’re approachable maybe have a chat about how you can see things are changing and would they maybe prefer a downstairs bedroom? would ready meals be easier? what do they feel would make life easier?
Also consider power of attorney too, they seem to be declining quickly,

Just seeing about your dad and the bottle, my grandmother had a commode downstairs when she could no longer easily get upstairs. Could that be a solution?

There are ways to help & encourage acceptance of help without buying large furniture & imposing it on them.

it is wrong to treat people who are having difficulty adjusting to aging & changing physical needs like they have no cognitive ability & no day in their own lives.

its all very well when you're young to be so very certain of what you'd do, but life experience shouldn't be dismissed so out of hand.

.

Yeah, having some respect for your parents seems to be beyond some people's comprehension.

1 of the times my DD was admitted to hospital there was a lady in the bed opposite who suddenly couldn’t walk. I’m not sure what the outcome was as it was an assessment bay so we were moved to a different ward. But there may be an underlying cause. A friend of mine her little boy suddenly stopped walking. He had a tumour on his spine.

You can send a letter of concern to their GP, pointing out that neither is in a position to support the other at the moment and that you are concerned for their safety. GP can’t reply to you but can hear your concerns and act accordingly, e.g. send someone to assess for care.

I would talk to them about a downstairs bedroom if a room is available or a stair lift. When you say your dad can't walk at all, do you mean other than going to the loo? Would he be able to use a walker too? I would talk to them, being practical and framing it as what can we do to get over this temporary difficulty ( even if it's not temporary).

Definitely see if they are at least open to OT review to see if there are any aids that may help. Sometimes people actually respond better to someone outside the immediate family making suggestions . As others have said , reclining chairs may help, it is difficult though as ultimately, if they have capacity to make decisions, you are limited in what you can do