My parents are sleeping in chairs in the living room

[Pigeonangel]

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I live very close and visit often. Always have done, am happy to. They're good company and have been fantastic parents and grandparents. When DH was terminally ill, and subsequently died, I honestly don't know how I'd have got through it without them.

That was only 5 years ago, they were there constantly for all of us, helping with house and car repairs, running errands etc. Until they hit 80 they were amazing sprightly older people who could do anything - furious at the suggestion they might be "vulnerable" during lockdown 🤣

How things change. In a matter of months they've both had health issues that mean their mobility is badly affected. Until recently it always seemed to be worse for one at a time and they're a great team so got by supporting each other, without asking or wanting much from me.

Now Mum can shuffle a bit with a frame and Dad is unable to walk at all. Last night they both slept in chairs downstairs. Mum suffles about to get food, do some cleaning and bring him a bed bottle etc. She managed to do a roast dinner for them both at the weekend, although I can't believe for a minute that would have been safe.

Mentally they are both totally with it, the house is perfectly livable (ie not dirty, if not practical), they seem OK from a personal hygiene pov, and are insisting they don't need anything from me or social services, they slept well last night and can manage.

Am I supposed to just leave it at that? I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's just me with DH gone, my DC live away and DSis is also several 100 miles away but has lots of opinions on how Mum and Dad should behave.

I don't know what to do.

@LeopardsRockingham 's suggestion about applying for attendance allowance is a good idea, because the idea is that it helps recipients remain independent by covering the cost of items/services that make their lives easier, e.g. a cleaner, taxis if they no longer drive, meal deliveries, etc. In my Dad's case, that's def. helped him become more inclined to accept help as "that's what it's for."

Age UK was very helpful when my Dad applied for it, they helped with the forms. He also has limited mobility and other health problems.

In the meantime, perhaps start making double meals and bringing some over to them - just say something like you want to give your Mum a break.

@SummerFrog2026 Yes, the issue is that her Mum sounds at risk of having a fall that'll land her in hospital so @Pigeonangel can't really just let them be, the outcome could be very serious.

Hi, you can say they are vulnerable, which they are x

One thing that worked for a grandmother was me finding bargains online. Some of which were genuine bargains others the family just paid for and fibbed that they were second hand.

We did the oh look a stand up chair for £50 that’s so cheap, shall I pick that up for you and see how you get on?

It wasn’t ideal but it did work and then she would insist on giving us the £50.

If they aren’t actively doing physio or exercise then they are going to continue to get worse. They are a very interesting series in youtube on the Honest Chanel about rebuilding Mum and Dad and getting parents in their 80s stronger, might be worth watching it with them

Hi
You’re right that you cannot impose change on your parents without their agreement.
I would strongly suggest that you apply for Power of Attorney for each of them if they will agree. You will need this in future years if they become more infirm. But please be sure to apply for both Financial AND Health and Well Being. My late step father we only had for Financial POA and Social Services were able to take away our say in what was provided for him. EG: Social Services said he would have to go into Care Home that they said - ie a cheaper one. We made sure we had BOTH Power of Attorneys for my mother and were able to insist that she had care in her own home which was her wish.
Please also apply for Attendance Allowance for each of them. It is NOT means tested.

Unfortunately many of us have experienced elderly parents and respecting their wishes and keeping them both safe are not always compatible. My dh describe the last 5 years of trying to help and care for our 3 remaining parents as guarding drunk toddlers. I wish I'd taken the reins earlier as the hell I've been through in the last year before forcibly getting DM into a home against her wishes which was essential for both her safety and my df who just couldn't cope anymore isn't something I'd wish on anyone.

Also this could apply to any family member not just elderly parents. If you had a brother or sister who could no longer make it out a chair to go to the toilet or to lie down in a bed then it’s reached a crisis point.

Choosing to sleep in a chair because of an injured shoulder or breathing issues is one thing.

Not being able to get out of the chair is a separate issue.

Caring for someone who is not mobile is exhausting when you don’t have your own health issues.

My DH can only get to the toilet if I lift him into wheelchair, then transfer him using a mobility aid from the wheelchair onto a toilet or commode. It takes my whole body strength to do so.

During the hours he spends in the hospital bed he uses a plastic urinal bottle that I empty for him - that can be seven to eight trips over the day - if your Mum is fragile herself she can’t be doing all of that.

If you have a family member who cannot get out of their chair - how can they change their clothes, how are bowel movements and cleaning up managed?

I'm sure people have said it, but you could persuade them to ask their GP for an OT referral - to look at making adaptations to help them stay more independent. I have a friend who's an OT and she's used to going into a house and having to be the one to explain that certain things are needed going forwards - rails, commodes, beds in dining rooms etc. Clients often argue with her that they don't want things but OTs are a good starting point, and will try to help where it will be accepted.

From your point of view - you only suggest an OT might be able to find ways to make living at home easier, and that's all you suggest.

Sooner rather than later - they sound urgent, but there can be a wait to be seen.

If they are waiting for doctor's appointments and assessments anyway could you contact the doctors and explain the deterioration in your Dad and ask them to visit as a matter of urgency. I don't see how he can stay healthy if he can't go to the loo properly.

Can you frame it around helping you? That's the angle we had to take with my grandpa, that it wasn't just for him but for my gran and even if she protested we were ever so worried and it would give us such peace of mind if he would agree to a riser chair/the home visitor etc he agreed on the basis he wouldn't want us to be worried

We contacted Adult Social Services to get the ball rolling with my Dad. He really liked the lady who assessed him and as @TheBluntSeal says, he was far more willing to listen to her recommendations than to anything I suggested!

I did set up meal deliveries - we agreed that he'd try them and discontinue if he didn't like them, but he does. Same with a cleaner, because he soon realized how helpful it was.

My parents are in their 80s as well.

I can't push them to do things that would help them. It has to be their decision. So I mention a solution for something and leave it at that.

Eg They struggle to get the hoover upstairs. Ages ago I suggested getting a second hoover to keep upstairs. They've recently done this but it had to be in their own time.

I've recently dropped in the idea to get an online shop at Tesco delivered every now and then. Currently Mam struggles along doing it herself. My Dad can't really help anymore. This is an easy fix but it must come from them. It's still a no for now.

There's other things that I manage as well. My Dad was always very active and did a lot of the DIY and maintenance work on the house himself. He got it in his head to clean out the gutters. Obviously he can't do this. He as trouble getting upstairs never mind a ladder two stories high.

I didn't make it about him though. It's easy to slip into telling him he isn't up to the job these days and they need to get someone in. I said that none of us are capable of doing it - which is true.

It's frustrating for us to see older people refuse solutions until it's absolutely necessary. Their body is failing them and it's hard to acknowledge and accept that.

Waiting lists for seeing a specialist? Or having surgery/ treatment? Because things have got worse quickly a) it’s worth both seeing their GP(s) again as their condition may make them eligible to be higher priority b) could be worth them paying to see the relevant specialist(s) privately. My mother in law saw a specialist privately for her very painful hip. He also worked in the NHS and got her onto the list for hip replacement. Which made a big difference to her when she got it (at 89). She still had to wait some months but she didn’t have the lengthy time to see a specialist for evaluation of her hip. Also worth seeing the doctor because any concurrent medical issue can worsen function and might be treatable.

Have an honest chat with them about making their bedroom downstairs and adaptations around the home that could help. make a referral to community services for a social care assessment and referral for an assessment by OT bless them on their recliners 😞. There are some good care agencies around too that they could try I know it's hard for them to accept help but it appears it has got to that point. Also a gp appointment.

In my parents case my df in a wheelchair with a frozen shoulder and hands crippled by arthritis was changing my dm's nappy. When she'd wear one or trying to help her on and off the toilet then inevitably cleaning faeces off the floor. I didn't realise most of this until he cracked under the strain and phoned the GP threatening to kill her or himself. My beloved parents spent so much time and energy lying covering up and hiding that they weren't coping. They ruined years of my life and their own and are now separated anyway. Every step to help to help them has been a massive fight but once accepted their lives have improved. They resisted cleaners but gave in when I refused to clean now the cleaner/carer is my dad's favourite hour of his day. My sister was much harsher than me and I really wish we could if found a halfway between her way and mine.

Sorry, I don't really know how to assist! The story evolved from your parents are sleeping in chairs to your dad is urinating in a bottle. I can't see how we can help if we don't have the full story upfront!

Short answer: if they are capable and you just worry because you're worried, then leave them alone to live out their old age together and without the threat of being torn apart, or thrown in a care home so that you feel better.

If they are a danger to themselves or each other, then the family should help them as best as you all can, whatever that means.

OP just wanted to say I feel your pain. My mum is bed bound and was sleeping on the sofa for months before she accepted a bed downstairs. Now she keeps getting upset she can’t get out but won’t accept a wheelchair. It’s so hard isn’t it?

The reality of mental capacity
https://www.itv.com/watch/news/the-plight-of-a-woman-left-caring-for-her-ex-who-doesnt-know-he-has-a-brain-injury/vc1304x

I said in the first post Dad can't walk at all. What else did you think he was doing?

It does sound like they've reached the stage of needing some help in the home. It's hard when elderly parents won't accept that they need help, all you can do is keep reiterating that having some help will enable them to keep some independence and stay in their own home. If they have a fall or an accident in the home, they may end up losing that independence. Keep trying gently, offer to speak to social services about adaptations in the home that could help them. If you can get them to agree to that, you can ask adult social services to do an assessment.

I assumed he may have a wheelchair, downstairs loo or similar? I'm not having a go at you, I'm just trying to explain why I asked the questions I asked at the beginning which all seemed a bit pointless now.....hope you get the help you need.

This is only a small suggestion but maybe swap the kettle for one of these if you’re worried about safety?
https://www.argos.co.uk/product/1979099

My mum got one when she couldn’t lift the kettle after an op…temporary measure but it’s great so they’ve kept it. You fill the tank up and then place cup or teapot under the spout so no lifting.

Considering one can’t walk and can’t use the bathroom, then some sort of large furniture is going to have to be used.

Of course they have can choices and OP can give them a range of them but having no help should not be one of the choices.

What happens if the mum breaks her leg and can’t take care of herself or the dad?
Are they supposed to sit in their own excrement, starving to death and in pain purely because they are of sound mind?

Its all well and good saying that whilst their cognitive ability is intact then it should be entirely up to them but there gets to a point when you have to intervene.

I would say one not being able to walk or use a bathroom and the other one struggling and not being able to lift him without doing herself an injury, is definitely a time to intervene.

These people need help, they are just too proud to ask for it.

It’s very difficult for OP as they will give her pushback as they are proud but I’d rather be the bad person and get them some support than have them have to ask for help which would be devastating for them to admit defeat.

You do not say how far away you live, but I would aim to visit weekly; maybe do some shopping for them.
Otherwise, if they are against Social Services help, then consider paying for a weekly cleaner.
Otherwise,if you are willing, the best thing to do, would be to arrange a Lasting Power of Attorney with yourself as the named person, in case either of them become incapacitated suddenly, and then you would need to take charge of their affairs.

In this situation I have told DM she urgently needs medical care and I can call 111 for her if it will help? And go over and do it. Wasn’t clear he couldn’t move at all. Have done so several times: she doesn’t like to bother the doctors. You need to be the squeaky wheel.

All I can suggest is that you start talking to them about what they want to happen at the point where they can no long cope. Ask questions for information, not to make a point.

Some people genuinely seem not to think that they will deteriorate, despite evidence to the contrary.