How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

You aren’t looking at the wider picture
It seems you’re so focused on what your children are eating but you haven’t mentioned their activity levels (structured and free play)
From what you’ve said neither of them are eating enough protein as PPs have suggested
Ditch the brioche, meaty sticks (however rare) and unlimited access to the fridge
Maybe take some advice from a nutritionalist because however in control of your ED you think you are, your posts suggest you aren’t

Yeah, my DH has a BMI of 20 and he never sits still, same food as me. What size is the DD's dad? If he's a big lad, then you may not get your wish for a slight, not fat, not lazy child.

Defo more protein and if the DD is scavenging, she's hungry (or has adhd but that's an entirely different conversation) and is less likely as 2nd child to be shy at foraging.

Defo get some help or roll on 25 years and you'll be serving "penis portions" to your DS's wife...

If you don't want to see a HV would you consider speaking to the GP? I think it would be worthwhile talking about your concerns.
There's some good dietary advice on here. Definitely don't allow such a young child to help herself to food from the fridge.

Very likely yes and usually baby belly’s stick out as girls are more prone to tilt their pelvis.

You can't treat them differently OP

Is there any way you can devolve all the dietary stuff to their dad? You know as well as we all do that you don’t see food and weight issues clearly which is why you led off with the fact that you have an ED.

If this isn’t an option, I have a friend in a similar situation and what I’d say to her is - get an expert involved, do you have a dietician as part of your treatment? Otherwise take them to the GP and get them both a checkup. Someone who isn’t you and who knows their stuff needs to give these kids a once over.

My suspicion is that your son is holding out for more snacks than meals, and your daughter is healthily eating what you make her and just bulking out before a growth spurt. My daughter is eating like a hungry rugby player at the moment and I know that she’s using it all up in growing and running around. But you need someone to take a look at them as individuals and not as a matched pair.

Your children are at different stages of their lives, they will have different body shapes and that is normal. Children get chubby then have a growth spurt. If she's hungry all the time then that's probably happening.

Chances are she will be taller than your son soon. Girls often shoot up taller than the boys then the boys catch up and overtake.

If you are really worried about her size then talk to a doctor before you pass on your disordered eating to her.

Are you an elite level athlete? https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1002/ajhb.23978

my dc didnt help themselves to snacks from the fridge

Are you joking?
Firstly, thats a shit ton of terrible carbs.
Secondly, how is your 3 yo getting into the snacks, is she a monkey?

Kids growth is also not linear. My daughter gets hungry and chubbier just before a growth spurt. The height increase then normalises the weight gain. I wouldn't be restricting snacks but I would be redirecting towards healthier things- fruit, veggie sticks etc. You could swap whole milk for semi skimmed. But honestly the diet sounds fine and if she's tracking normally over time (6 months, not day by day) then I would try not to change anything. Y

You’re giving her brother food but withholding it from her. You’ve given her a complex and a fear of being hungry. Therefore she’s focussing on food all the time even if she’s not necessarily hungry because you are restricting it!

Give your children the same but adjust portion sizes if your DS is older. Don’t withhold treat items from your DD - unless you want her to develop an ED too.

I had an ED for years. Yours hasn’t gone. It’s there. Please don’t pass on your food issues to your children.

If it makes you feel better, my niece at 3 was a bonny baby. Much bigger than my DD and very well-covered. Now she’s in her teens and tall and slim. Your DD will grow taller, be more active, and lose that ‘baby fat’ - if you ensure you’re not inadvertently giving her a complex about food.

Why is everyone being so harsh on OP? It is incredibly hard to ever fully overcome an eating disorder and she mentioned it because she’s conscious she doesn’t want it to impact DC.

I had the same with my eldest DD, OP - she went straight up to 90th centile and later was diagnosed with ADHD. She clearly was dopamine seeking from food and I worried how to manage it without giving her issues.
and yes I had EDs in the past so aware I may have felt more worry re her being bigger.

But your DD IS 3 - seeing as you give them such a healthy diet I would just monitor it, she has no access to bingeing on actual crap.

It is difficult to parent an underweight child where “all food is good food”, and you’re delighted they have anything, alongside one who can overeat as my DD did from an early age. I’ve not got any answers but hope you can find someone independent to talk to (if not HVs) and bear in mind your DD may suddenly get into gymnastics or something and grow and it will level out. It’s hard though, so be nice if posters had helpful advice instead of piling on

I don't think restricting snacks or feeding unequally is a good idea.

DD is super skinny, but would always eat everything in the house and fill out a bit before a growth spurt. We always taught her to listen to her body.

I wonder if you are inadvertently making things worse by underfeeding her a good times. She needs to have enough protein and dairy or she will be hungry between meals.

Lots of people have asked for her BMI now and throughout her life.

Also remember children's clothes can be sized small to make us buy more! DD had a range of same size, younger and older, depending on the brand and was at times one of the smallest in her class.

Unless you drip feed that her BMI puts her as obese my biggest worry would be passing on your eating disorder or teaching her that she is "less than" her brother because he gets treats and she doesn't. Even then as a child she shouldn't have any awareness of different calories in food.

Sounds like you just got bad health visitors. Every one I've had has been extremely lovely & helpful, including supporting my cosleeping. You really need to get professional advice from them or a GP though. You aren't able to judge this objectively.

Toddlers are usually chubby. 5 year olds are often skinny. They need to be eating healthy food and being active, that's all. Do they have energy? Do they seem happy and well in themselves? That's all that matters. Stop focusing on their bodies.

Poor child, you seem like you hate her for being big. Even is she does grow up bigger is that so awful. People have different experiences with food, some love it and constantly think about it, some aren’t bothered.

My DD had many phases where she grew outwards and had quite a tummy, and then grew upwards a load and stretched out - it’s quite normal for children’s bodies to change. If she’s eating a lot at the moment, maybe it’s because she’s hungry, and about to have a growth spurt.

For what it’s worth, my DS has always been a skinny little thing. Same house, same food, same parenting as his sister. Maybe he’ll be a thin adult, or maybe not. Who knows. Either way, both children get healthy food and plenty of exercise. Children are different to each other, adults too…

If she’s hungry she might need more protein/savoury stuff and less fruit all the time. Some alternative snacks/bits of meals: a hard boiled egg, toast and peanut butter or apple and peanut butter, ricecake with cream cheese (and veg if she’ll eat it), seeded toast and hummus. My toddler loves most of these and never asks for biscuits etc and is a normal toddler shape and size. I know this won’t make sense to you given the ED but try to think of it as what does your daughter need MORE of - it might be fibre, protein, fat or even just more distraction - but it’s not normal to be hammering the fridge at 3.

Please read this post OP and get yourself some help for your daughter's sake. Your posts have made me incredibly angry for your poor daughter. I get the impression you have money so use some of it to get yourself sorted. We are born sponges and we soak up all the shitty unhealthy habits and behaviours we see our parents doing or doing to us. Sort it before its too late. Lots of toddlers are really chubby it doesn't mean they will be overweight in later life especially if they are active and eat a balanced diet that includes treats. Go and see the GP yourself. Your daughter doesn't need professional help, you do.

You are definitely projecting your problem onto your daughter. If you don’t sort out your problem with her, she will definitely suffer and so will your relationship. Sorry, it’s hard for you but please realise it is a you problem.

I second this. My mum was strict with what we were supposed to eat: no white bread- only homemade sourdough- everything was homemade- no upfs. I binged on it as soon as I got my own money..

I had a positive experience with both of mine. They referred them for assessment when they were 2 1/2 so they had support in place before starting nursery. My son's also sorted a SN buggy and nappies for him. I am sure they could also help with issues like weight.

But how active is she? Does she walk anywhere or is she in a buggy a lot or travel everywhere by car?

NHS child BMI calculator does suggest she is overweight. I suggest adding protein and fat at breakfast e.g. scrambled eggs or yoghurt to help her feel fuller for longer. Then I would just focus on getting her a bit more active. My DD at her 2 year check was slightly overweight, we realised she was in the car a lot because of the school run distance and so we made an effort to add in more activity. By 4 she was fine.

You're not managing your ED well enough and projecting it on to your DD.

You also seem to be giving your DC loads of carbs and junk food (meaty sticks?) for someone who is concerned about weight.