How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

There is literally only one person projecting and that is yourself.

do you surround yourself with other people who have disordered eating?

you need to go to your GP or HV re the children but also for yourself. You cannot carry on like this without significantly harming your children

Maybe start watering down her milk? I was a chubby 3 year old and drank a lot of milk. And for snacks.. only offer fruit? Also reducing portion sizes too. My son is constantly hungry too and I’ve cut his portion sizes down. He’s not as active as his sister so I try to walk places instead of driving if they are close and take him to play centres where he can burn it off ❤️

If she's 3 years old she shouldn't be helping herself to food from the fridge. Just tell her no. Offer her an apple cut up or carrot or cucumber sticks to munch on. Try offering your DS his snacks when she is not about.

This a million times
Allowing one child croissants and denying the other is not good,you must know this, you need to seek help, little girls stomachs stick out and this is completely fine I mean this kindly but please seek help and speak to your health visitor.

Why are you buying ultra processed shite - 'meaty sticks'. You will do more harm to your children's health this way.

First step would be to weigh and measure both kids and put it into the NHS BMI calculator. That should give a more accurate assessment as to if they are healthy, as perceptions can be off, and there's a wide range of what is a healthy body for a young child.

If she is overweight, I'd start by trying to increase her activity levels. Look into activities she might enjoy, so it doesn't feel like work. Mine like swimming, dance or trampolining, but depends what she's into.

I'd probably stop the open fridge policy for both children, and instead have designed snack time, where you provided an appropriate opinion.

I understand the urge to give the underweight one high calorie snacks, but I'd try to avoid making it treats. Instead I'd try to differentiate their diets more suitablely, like giving one full fat milk and the other semi skimmed or by giving the older one slightly bigger portions of the same food.

I think there are people on here projecting their weight issues. If you were an over weight child/teen would you not have preferred your parents to fix that young?

I was a very thin child, and a very slim teenager.
I remained slim until I was about 35, then I gradually gained weight.

Two years ago my BMI was over 50.
It's now 26.

Anyway my point is that my parents let me eat normal amounts of food and lots of snacks on top. I always had a very good appetite. Should they have restricted what I ate? I was always underweight.

You really need to.

Maybe try supplementing her brothers food eg adding cream, nut butter etc rather than giving him extra snacks compared to your daughter. Then you will be addressing his calories without feeling like you are giving him extra snacks that you dont want her to have

You control what she eats, I would look at portion size

Is she not just bulking up before shooting up? Kids just have different body builds. As long as she is eating healthy food, appropriate amounts, they should self regulate and only eat when hungry.

You're going to give her a complex allowing her brother to eat stuff she can't.

I had this with 2 of my kids. DS1 has always been stick thin despite eating loads. He was eating large adult sized meals at 3 years old. DS3 put on weight really easily and was always quite chubby up until he started his growth spurt. However now at 14 DS3 is really not overweight at all.

I would say at this stage to give it some time unless a medical professional tells you there's an issue. It sounds like you are feeding her healthy meals so the only thing you can really do is stop her helping herself to the fridge.

I think you've hit the nail on the head - the brother never sits still. This is what my partner is like, even sitting watching TV and his leg is being moved constantly, he's a natural fidgeter and that really can help burn calories. Is your daughter the same or more still?

To be honest, I think you shouldn't worry too much aged 3, she may well have a spurt soon and I think children do differ quite a lot throughout growing up. You could up the exercise/play times. And I do think she shouldn't be allowed to help herself to the contents of the fridge at her age, am sorry. Helping herself to cheese and meat are both high in calories, and I wonder if the childminder is telling you the truth and isn't sneaking some treats!

Yes this. Because he is thin doesn’t mean he needs to eat extra crap. Give her a bigger portion of the good food you make or fruit. I never allowed my DC to help themselves to anything in the fridge at that age. Fruit bowl only.

My (nearly) 3 year old looks chunkier than her 4.5 year old brother. It’s normal at that age as they haven’t stretched out yet.

I think she sounds very normal for a preschooler and you are just not used to having a child that loves their food - it’s not a bad thing!

Can you do eggs for breakfast for them both? I think more protein will help. Fruit as a standalone breakfast is not really enough and brioche will just temporarily fill her up for an hour or so.

I would also get rid of the squash and milk just once a day after dinner. There’s no way she should be allowed in the fridge to help herself to snacks. Mine are only allowed unlimited access to the fruit bowl - everything else they have to ask for.

In general, I think I would focus on less snacks for both kids and more protein and work on encouraging your DS to eat more of his main meals so you aren’t having to top up his calories with biscuits

My kids eat very healthily, just one puts on a lot of weight. There are no crisps, sweets, the only cake is home made and limited.

I don't talk to HVs because the first told me I could drink as much wine as I want (I don't drink) but a single shot of vodka would damage the baby. The second told me I was going to kill my baby by co sleeping (within lullaby trust guidelines).

I don't but any ultra processed shite. Everything they eat is clean and home made aside pasta, cheese and the occasional (once a fortnight) sausage "meaty stick"

OP, sorry but you aren’t a controlled anorexic, you still have a full blown ED, but mainly focused on your dcs.
Are you prepared to share your BMI as 48kg is pretty light for an adult unless very short?
Why does no one in your circle engage with HVs, are they all exdancers with ED?
Would you consider therapy for yourself?

Please, please seek professional help. You are projecting your own issues around food on your daughter. If she is always hungry and seeking food out from the fridge you are not feeding her enough (appropriate food)- you are setting her up for a lifetime of disordered eating.

My own mother had ‘controlled’ anorexia - all 4 of her children have serious issues with food. I had bulimia for 10 years and still struggle with my relationship with food, one brother was super morbidly obese and died early. My mother was controlling about what we could and couldn’t eat - controlling my bread and potato intake - putting me on diets and telling me ‘you don’t want to be fat like your sister’ - she was only a size 14! I am now 67 and still struggle with self-esteem issues if I get above size 12.

Chubby toddlers are normal, and their bellies are rounded. With all due respect your ability to judge what is normal is unlikely to be accurate. You really need HV support to help you make appropriate judgements about both your children’s food intakes.

Children are different even if they’re siblings. She’s only 3.

Hiii

Ex - fat child here.
Your child is overweight

Here is your problem... I've edited the sentence for you.

The problem is she goes in the fridge and takes things out (cheese, meaty sticks) and she's alway hounding for food. Her brother needs every calorie he can get so I let him have biscuits and croissants but she really doesnt, then she gets sad... its hard because he's insanely skinny and she's polar opposite.

She's 3 and secret eating.... thats 95% on you and 5% on your dh who is stood by like a passenger watching this unfold like a deaf dumb mute.

Easy wins / obvious things

Feed them the same thing (modified)
I say this as a mother with a skinny rake son and active but voracious dd. I work on my meal planning. He gets extra oil on his pasta...thicker pb and j sandwiches... slightly bigger piece of chocolate...but they both get the SAME thing.
Give her appropriate portion sizes.

Stop giving juice and milk.
she doesnt need it. My kids get water at every meal anlnd are fine with it. Watered down juice is allowed for meals out, birthdays, high days (christmas easter).
Dont buy it, dont give it.

Stop buying shite she shouldn't eat.
Stop buying fucking croisannts and biscuits and feeding them to her brother while telling her she cant hsve them
If you cant be arsed to do that put a childlock on cupboards and fridge so she cant access it.
In between meals my kids get offered banana apple or orange. Maybe rice cake with humous / cream cheese or a slice of ham. They know this. At weekends they might get a small bag of popcorn or pombears.

Honestly though... you need professional external help.
Children are born able to regulate and it is only inappropriate interference with that system (ie not feeding enough or feeding them garbage) that results in overweight children.

Despite all of the above both my kids never clear their plates and we dont give crazy portions.
I don't think shes being fed appropriately.
Ie high volume of nutritious food and I think unless you grt a grip on it and get external help this will be a longterm problem.

Not read the whole thread, and name changed as ED stuff is very triggering for me, but...

My mother had anorexia. Even when healthy she was naturally slight. My sister was also naturally slim. I only need to think about calories and I gain weight. This has been true since childhood.

My mother policed my eating and my weight from childhood. I can't remember a time that she didn't. I am now 46 and have had bulimia since adolescence. I still gain weight very easily - it is simply how I am wired. (It's actually also not "normal", but once I got away from my mother, who insisted I was only heavy because of what I ate, I was able to see an endocrinologist and get my physical health problems diagnosed and managed. The concurrent ED really makes this management harder.)

Please do not do to your child what my mother did to me. Your daughter gains weight in a different way to you and your son as she is a different person. If you are concerned about her weight please just have her assessed by a doctor. My mother's ED has ruined my life.

ETA my mother never talked about her ED issues around me either. It didn't mean I didn't know, especially from adolescence and beyond. Even as a tiny child I knew that my mother was punishing me by restricting my food in a way she didn't with my sister. This kind of thing sets up an unhealthy relationship with food, and it's never healthy for kids to be aware that they are being treated unfavourably compared to their siblings...

Harsh, but somewhat true. But there are some amazing ones, are you sure yours isn’t?
The issue here is that you’re not equipped either. Who else is around in your daughter’s life?

To you, she's perfect. Really?

bad and lazy
more than a little chubby

So, she's really fat, then?

She's a big girl, she really is
So she needs to be little like you?

she's alway hounding for food
Like a dog?

Her brother needs every calorie he can get so I let him have biscuits and croissants but she really doesnt, then she gets sad
You can't have them because you're fat and not little like me and your brother

he's insanely skinny and she's polar opposite
Insanely fat?

you can see all his ribs when his arms are down and he's breathing out. My daughter is in clothes two years ahead with a protruding stomach

Ewww, her toddler tummy with toddler muscle development is disgusting, not like me or her brother.

you can see all his ribs when his arms are down and he's breathing out. My daughter is in clothes two years ahead with a protruding stomach

Are you making them sit down unclothed so you can check for visible ribs?

I don't eat and she never stops.

Ugh, a child eating. How horrible that she isn't like me.

Your ED is going to kill your daughter. Because nothing you say suggests that you see her as anything other than a fat, bad and lazy embarassment.

Never mind Munchausens by Proxy, you're on the path to Anorexia Nervosa by Proxy.

She is 3. She isn't eating lots of snacks or processed foods. I would leave her. She will get taller and become more active once she starts school. My kids tend to lay down weight and then have a growth spurt.

Speak to your GP. If you are managing your eating disorder rather than being back to normal then you aren’t in a position to make objective decisions about her weight, whether you’re her parent or not.