How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

55% pure skeletal muscle mass seems extraordinarily high. I'm wondering if this was analysed by DEXA scan or miscalibrated BIA scale.

As someone raised by a mother with an ‘under control’ ED, it’s not, it can’t be really, it will always spill over into how you see and treat your daughter unless you acknowledge and fight it every damned day. And trust me, you don’t want to do that to her. A lot of children are chubby as toddlers, mine was, and she is achingly slender now (12 years old). Every time she was gearing up to a growth spurt she would get this big belly, then suddenly shoot up and it was gone! To a lesser extent it’s still the same now, she’ll start eating all the things for a few weeks or a couple of months, get a bit of a tummy, then shoot up, be skinny again, and lose the appetite. Restricting calories or protein and fat rich foods at this age can affect adult height and bone density, my growth was stunted by my mum’s attempts to keep me ‘healthy’ as a child. A child shouldn’t be helping themselves to food, and I wouldn’t allow that, but if she’s hungry she should’ve able to come to you for food. Brioche is a lousy breakfast choice, it’s too sugary and burns off too quickly. Slow burn carbs or protein would be better. And please stop treating her differently to her brother.

She's 3 and has a different body type to her brother, she has a decent appetite and eats healthy home cooked food. You honestly need to stop obsessing about weight and leave her alone.

My mum has a small frame but has yoyo dieted since I was young and I was put on diets, taught to count calories and shamed into exercising (like my brother did) all through my childhood. I've spent the last 30 years trying to slowly undo the physical and psychological damage.

That girl is destined for a eating disorder. Either what you have or binge eating in secret when she's older.
She is three years old and you're already obsessing over what she eats, wanting to limit her food and what she weighs. This is a you problem. You need help 💐

Referring to foods as “clean” is a massive ED / orthorexia red flag btw

Both my kids were 18kg+ before they reached 4 (I remember because they grew out of their 9-18kg car seats very early. Both my kids had protruding stomachs when they were 3, chubby faces and chubby arms. Both my kids are now very slim and average height for their age. My youngest still eats like a horse and gets a protruding tummy just before a growth spurt. Everything you've described in your kids seems completely normal and it sounds like they have a good diet with access to health snacks (apart from the meaty sticks, but if that's only once a fortnight then it's fine too).

3 year old are def "chubbier" looking than 5 year olds. Some children are chubbier than other. It doesn't mean that they are obese or even overweight. Do you have a therapist? If no, then get one. If yes, then please talk about this because you are already creating issues for your daughter since she's not allowed to have the same snacks as her brother.

As long as she's healthy you should stop obsessing over her body. It seems like you have transferred your ED to include your daughter and that is very sad.

What body shape does your daughter's father have, and his parents, siblings etc.

Really sad reading this OP. Maybe you should up her activity levels before you restrict her food. Also please stop feeding her brother stuff she isn’t allowed, that is horrible.

My 5 year old and 3 year old weight almost the same. 5 year old is slight and 25th percentile, 3 year old is strong and sturdy and 90th percentile. Both are healthy, just have different body types. 3 year old is currently eating like a horse and I think another growth spurt is coming. They both eat until they're full, some days that's leaving some at the end of a meal, some days that's asking for seconds. Both are okay options and they know that.

From a personal experience, please don't restrict your daughter's food, my mother did that and I've spent my whole life with disordered eating.

No one in your circle engages with HVs? This is hard to believe, quite honestly. HVs are registered nurses or midwives. Does this mean that no one in your circle engages with nurses or midwives?

You definitely need help @Notmycircusnotmyotter and like it or not, a HV is the most qualified health professional to give that help. Refusing help from the service best qualified to help you is a massive red flag.

Aren’t children supposed to have full fat dairy for brain development?

Lots of red flags here from an anorexic mum who thinks her son is great because he's skinny and who thinks daughter is heading for obesity because she takes some bits from the fridge.

Sounds like projecting to me. On a child no less. On a child.

Doesn't matter what you do OP, you will always be obsessed with food, portions, height, weight, clean, unclean, and so on. Take note and speak to someone outside your circle maybe for an unbiased view.

I like that you’re reaching out for support. You recognise that you don’t want her to have a complicated difficult relationship with food as you have. I think some people have given good ideas, but I agree that you need some additional support. I would make an appointment with a GP you trust and who knows your history and explain your problem to them. They may be able to assist. I also think the problem is about limiting your DD’s food, whilst encouraging your son to have more. If she sees him eating things which he thinks are yummy which she is not allowed, the that is the sort of experience that will stay with her and it will feel really unfair.
Do you have any support with parenting - a friend, family member or partner? Where I struggle, it’s often helpful to get the support from people close to me. I’m also wondering about the chopped up fruit available, how much of this will your DD eat? Will she stop when she’s full? We have a bowl of fruit always available and they can take a piece of fruit whenever - sometimes they will have 4 plums in a day, but do seem to be able to limit themselves. What do you think would happen if you did this? Good luck and well done for reaching out

To answer your question about how to help your daughter be a healthy weight without giving her food issues...

You find some form of physical exercise which she enjoys, make it really enjoyable and do lots of that. Dancing to god-awful music is usually a good one. Dress up together, make it fun, do it at frequent intervals throughout the day.

Leave the food aside, just feed her a normal healthy diet. Stick to 3 meals, 2 snacks, let her eat when she is hungry. I gave mine veggies between meals, they'll eat them if they're actually hungry and then you won't have picky eaters. But address the food part as a whole family, you should all be eating the same thing.

But up the exercise. The exercise guidelines for 3 year olds are actually really high if you read them. But absolutely make it all fun, games, part of play. 3 year olds shouldn't have anything punitive, you want her to find exercising fun and joyful, that will set her up to be a healthy adult. But try not to look for it leading to weight loss in the short-term, that would be your eating disorder talking there. Think in terms of developing healthy lifelong habits.

Restricting food is likely to lead to problems, but lots of fun energetic games with her mum, who clearly loves her a lot, will absolutely not harm anything.

I agree with this.

Chubby can be healthy for a toddler.

Neither of them should be having food like biscuits, brioche or croissants as a daily thing. They are devoid of decent nutrients and not a sensible food to give a child frequently. I'd be more worried about your DS if you are trying to bulk him up on this sort of thing.

There is so much in this thread that is worrying op: the fact you admit you have had issues round food, yet refuse to defer to someone for help, the fact the DD is given different food from the DS. And WHY is she helping herself to meaty sticks etc? Our dc are older than three but, apart from whatever I put in our fruit bowl or a particular shelf in the fridge, they know they cannot simply help themselves to food willy nilly. Even then, if I felt they were overdoing it one day, I'd just say no, that's enough for now between meals. She is little: you should be in charge.

I am one of those "useless" health visitors.

I am not going to repeat all the very good advice you have already been given, but please take the time to reread it because there really is a lot of it.

But the one thing I will reiterate is how unfair and damaging it is for your little 3 year old to see her brother be given all the "treats" and snacks she would like but not being allowed them. Genuinely, what do you say to her as the reason he can eat the biscuits and croissants and she can't?

Also, you say you want them to be healthy, but what it actually sounds like is you want them to be thin like you, otherwise you wouldn't be offering her brother all the unhealthy treats that you are declining her.I know you think you have your ed under control, but you are most certainly putting your issues onto your dc's.

I had similarish dc. 1 naturally v slim, the other prone to being chunky. I think you need to make a couple of adjustments then trust the process. My chunky 3 year old was slim by 7. 3 year olds are meant to have bellies.
Suggested adjustments: no need for calorific / sweet drinks, only drink from a plain cup, no sippy bottles etc. No helping herself from the fridge, I am really surprised at that. No high salt snacks. I used to make snack bowls of cut up fruit and veg before dinner which they would eat like popcorn in front of the TV. Make sure enough protein/ not too many carbs. No giving brother extra yummy food in front of her and saying she can't have it. Sensible portion sizes. Make sure she is active.The only other thing you might want to do is check with the child minder that there are no issues there.
Once you have done all that, as I said trust the process. She will be fine.

Why does your son need every calorie that he can get? Has a doctor said that he needs to gain weight? If he is underweight, there are healthier ways of helping him to gain weight than croissants and sugary snacks. He might need more protein, refined carbs or even milk or yoghurts. Just because you cook from scratch, it doesn't mean that meals are healthy or that portion sizes are appropriate. If you won't engage with HV, at least speak to your GP - about your own ED, as well as your perception of DCs food issues. At 3 your daughter should not be going into the fridge to help herself to anything. I know that you can't see it atm but they are intrinsically linked. You think you have it beat, but children pick up on what's going on n the house, and perhaps their relationship with food is a reflection of your own. DS is underweight, he hardly eats and will only drink water? What does that sound like to you OP?

How tall is she? I have 3 DCs. Eldest was always skinny - right until he stopped getting taller at around 18. He is very tall though, was always the tallest in his class. DS2 was a much shorter child, one of the shorter boys in his year always, and carried a bit of chub until he reached his teens and had a massive growth spurt. As an adult, he’s now only 2 ins shorter than DS1 & a very healthy weight.

DD is a mixture, she would get slightly chubby as a young child then have a growth spurt & become very slim again. She’s pretty much full grown now at 15 & is 5ft 8in and a size 8/10 which feels healthy.

Basically I think what I’m saying is everyone’s different. Even siblings.

My youngest daughter was about 19kg I think at 3.5. she was (beautifully) chubby from 4 months old (breastfed). She's nearly 6 now and stretching out as she grows. She's got meat on her but she doesn't stand out against her classmates who vary is height/size. I don't believe in children having uncontrolled access to food- especially those who would snack lots. Our routine helps with managing what is eaten and when. It's not worth stressing out about it. Some kids (often boys) are very slim no matter what they eat..if they haven't been identified as underweight what's the problem? You can't separate what they eat in an obvious way so keeping it healthy where possible is best for both.

Big kids don't necessarily become big adults. My sisters little girl is heavier and chubbuer than her brother who is a year older, she just is. He's 3 and she is 2, he is autisric and has a small appaetite and limited food hell eat, it's no indication of how they'll be as adults UNLESS it's instilled behaviour that persists.

Your daughter is 3, she eats because she's hungry. 3 year old never stop, and they carry weight differently based on their bodies needs compared with how they grow up. I'm very sorry your background has given you disordered eating but you are clearly inflicting your mindset onto your child without understanding the developmental biology of a toddler. Comparing a child who eats healthily to your other child who doesn't particularly eat much, and using the child who doesn't eat much as the benchmark and standard, is worrying.

Please enjoy a child who has a good appetite and continue feeding her the healthy and nutritious food you have clearly been feeding her. Unless a medical professional is concerned about your little girls weight, you shouldn't be.

This makes absolute sense imo.

Keep feeding as you are, encourage veg snack's etc. my youngest was far sturdier than her big sister, not overweight, but definitely would have pegged her to become a rugby player when she was 3/4. Now she is a willowy 5ft 10, size 6 model. My delicate first born is now an athletic, six pack dancer build (not ballet dancer). My nephews have both been chubby, then they sprout. Both are now muscly rugby players.

Children grow and change, just encourage healthy balance and exercise and stop trying to second guess how they turn out.

Ive got a 3yo dd and 5yods.
My little boy used to have a great little tum and was what id describe as 'solid' when he was 2 or 3. Since turning 4 and 5 he is now really slim, no tummy now.

My daughter is the same, quute solid with a cute pot belly tummy. No doubt she will slim down as she heads into childhood like her brother.
Does your 3yo do plenty of excercise?