How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

What does your HV say?

What centile was she born on and what is she on now? I have only weighed my children for car seat weights and when I thought ones was losing weight - it’s not the norm to regularly weight children of this age.

Where else is she eating? At 3 she presumably has very little control over what food she’s offered and home cooked doesn’t automatically mean healthy, or appropriately portioned.

I don't engage with HVs. In my experience they're utterly useless at best.

Have you plotted her weight in the WHO chart in the back of the red book. You can also get them online.

Not from you when you're actively in ED still.

If you only feed them fruit and home cooked meals I don’t see the need to restrict her diet. Btw I’m a ‘big adult’ and I’m fabulous!

Have any medical professionals expressed concern?

She's too young to be going and buying her own snacks, so she can only be eating what you provide at home - I really wouldn't worry if she's active & getting proper nutrition. I think children can differ in size significantly in any case, and it ends up balancing out if they are healthy. If you're really worried she is overweight whilst eating healthily then perhaps speak to your GP about underlying issues?

My Mum would limit 'treats' in the house & allow my brother to indulge & it's given me no end of eating issues - I've had real problems with binge eating, I think because I never learned to regulate myself, and because these foods were strictly controlled & scarce

If you know she’s eating the right amount then try not to worry about it. Plenty of chubby children grow int skinny adults. The term ‘puppy fat’ exists for a reason.

Fruit, porridge or brioche for breakfast. Lunch is with her childminder so wrap/sandwich and fruit. Dinner is pasta, chicken, rice, casserole; whatever I make for us all.

The problem is she goes in the fridge and takes things out (cheese, meaty sticks) and she's alway hounding for food. Her brother needs every calorie he can get so I let him have biscuits and croissants but she really doesnt, then she gets sad... its hard because he's insanely skinny and she's polar opposite.

Nah I've managed it for 20 years. I never let myself get below 48kg. Yes it's a problem but it's one im
aware of and conscious of. I never talk about weight or bodies except to tell them both how brilliant the at.

The biggest issue I see here is that you allow her brother to eat what she can't because of your perception of their body sizes.
She is very young and has a different build to her brother, it is very unfair to her to allow different foods .

@Martymcfly24yeah but is it unfair when it's based on their bodies? Her brother never sits still and you can see all his ribs when his arms are down and he's breathing out. My daughter is in clothes two years ahead with a protruding stomach. I'm not being mean; I'm genuinely worried.

Does she need limitation or should you see how she is in a few years time once she has evened out more?

If you let her brother have croissants etc but not her then you are doing real damage I’m afraid. You’re sending her all sorts of screwed up messages.
i was a chubby toddler/young child and then became very slim by the time I was 7/8.
what’s wrong with being a bit chubby when you’re a pre schooler? It’s not the same as being obese.
you are doing real damage I’m afraid- stop.

I would think so yes it is . She's a preschooler who will very quickly realize she is being treated differently to her brother and that food will become even more forbidden and enticing.

If your daughter is not as active as her brother maybe look at upping activity levels before other things

If her brother is underweight (which you seem to suggest) or just on the small side then I don't think her being heavier than him is necessarily the best metric to judge her weight on. It would be more helpful to do it based on BMI. 3 year old toddlers are often a bit chubbier looking than older children naturally, they are carrying baby fat whereas 5 year olds can be very skinny looking and still healthy.
I think you need to be guided by BMI (you don't need to post her weight and height on here if you don't want to but comparing weight to height is better than comparing to her brother). And if the BMI suggeats she is overweight then go to the GP or ask a health visitor for advice. But I think you need outside help because your own issues will make it harder to accurately calibrate your perceptions. Plus if there is an issue a GP can better advice the best way to fix it. My understanding is you never try to get kids to lose weight, if they are overweight it's better to switch to better eating habits and let them "grow into" the weight. But experts can advice on this better.
Likewise, if your older son is underweight or you have concerns about how much he is eating then that's also something to raise with a GP.

If you have a genuine medical concern for your child then you need to track the issue, compare it against expectation (WHO guidelines) and seek medical advice.

Health Visitors are qualified registered nurses or midwives, with a lot of extra training in family health, including a degree in public health. A HV would be the appropriate health professional to talk to about your daughter’s weight.

Take the cheese and meat snacks away.
Check your portion size.

Certainly don't give them different food.

If boy needs the calories,give him full fat milk - make them both a banana smoothie,bit out peanut butter in his etc
Or if he's having sandwiches give him slightly more cheese and butter in his etc.

My child was always a healthy weight, but he looked far chubbier as a baby or a toddler than as a 5 year old or 10 year old when indeed you could see his ribs. Of course, he weighed more at 5.than 3 but it was like he'd been stretched out. So comparing their body types isn't a very accurate way of working out how healthy they are.

The boy only drinks water and isn't that interested in food.
My girl will eat anything and she's perpetually hungry. I don't get it. She drinks milk and I heavily water down juice. I just don't understand it because I don't eat and she never stops.

Not managing it if you're criticising a toddler for not being the same build as an older child and trying to work out how you can make her little/delicate like you and her older brother, are you?

He never has any other liquid apart from water?? No yoghurt, no jelly, no ice-cream etc?

What percentile is she on for weight and height? Sometimes kids are just chubby toddlers but it drops off when they start to grow.

You can’t give your children different food, if your son needs to put on weight you need to add fat to his food but not hers.