How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy:

Your anorexia isn’t controlled though is it?
You have 48kg “guardrails” so that you can avoid engagement with the medical system, but anorexia is actually welcome in your life (and therefore the lives of your family).
My daughter has a friend whose mother is 15 years ahead of you. She thinks she never talks bodies/dieting/blah blah blah, but she does and her disgust leaks out.

You obviously have no intention of seeking treatment for yourself, and are already recruiting your children into this distorted thinking.
Your children’s father should be protecting them from this - primarily because your are not capable of doing that. There are so many layers of dysfunction just from your posts here it is sort of sad, but you are obviously deaf to any advice beyond what you want to hear. I would have written a different reply if there was no anorexia, but I would hate for it to be used against your daughter.

Do the children have a dad in their lives? Does he do any of the food shopping or cooking?

I think it would be almost impossible for children to grow up in this kind of situation without developing some kind of food issues in later life, but it would be helpful if they had another role model re food.

I would encourage you to seek help for yourself.

I have a 13 year old girl and encouraging her to eat enough/the right things is unbelievably tricky!

I'm familiar with a couple of studies, but they aren't conclusive and haven't been reliably duplicated (Japan, Denmark, USA, I think).
I really don't see the value in bringing this into discussion - for the OP - as it's not helpful. It likely just gives more to worry about.
A previous poster said OP should have her daughter checked for Prader-Willi syndrome, ffs. It seems OP has difficulty determining healthy weight and eating habits due to her own ED. However, EDs aside, many parents worry about their children's development. OP's kids are likely fine developmentally.
I think OP should be taking her kids to a GP for regular check-ups to chart development and not ask here because, even if well-meant, a lot of the advice isn't sound.
You seem decent, though, and obviously didn't mean any harm. 💐

But she IS healthy I have small children ( on the 0.4th percentile at 10 &9) both were tiny babies very chunky toddlers and are now rake thin .
You are projecting your issues onto your daughter and by allowing her brother things she can't have you are going to cause her a serious issue with food which several have said yet you just brush it off !!! I would start by dealing with your own problems before you cause irreparable damage to your daughters relationship with food and take your daughter to the doctor have her centiles worked out .

She’s 3! If you haven’t already noticed children tend to get a bit chunky and then grow upwards. Guess what happens then? They look skinnier.

Do not change what any of your children eat - it sounds like you are feeding them a healthy diet. Anything else should ONLY be under a Dr’s advice and any Dr would put you in therapy before advising to change anything for your child.

Because a 3 year old has zero sense. They will go in there and eat a load of rubbish and mess up the fridge.

How are you weighing her to get such an exact 17.7kg? Is she staying still on the scales or are you weighing yourself then you and her together by holding her and taking one away from the other?

if she is not overweight according to the GP it would be absolutely wrong for the OP to limit her daughter's diet.

Op I think you're daughter might be a little heavy for a 3 year old but if your son is 4kg lighter than her and 5 years old (think that's what I read) then the problem is that he is very underweight not the other way around. My 5 year old is 20kg.

This.

please consult with a medical professional over this rather than relying on your own judgement which is affected by your own ED.

Absolute nonsense.

So you let your son eat whatever but your Dd helps herself at 3 and you see her as chubby ?. You have an eating disorder that is affecting your children, you have to stop them both just helping themselves to food your son does not need constant biscuits and cheese, I honestly think you need outside support with this, maybe contact an ED helpline or something,

That’s a tiny breakfast with little protein - of course she will be scratching around for food all day after that. Increase intake of meat, fish, eggs.

OP I am a recovered anorexic so I do know the mindset very well. I had an active eating disorder for fifteen years.

In my case, my eating disorder was triggered by my parents divorce and following that by being treated differently to my brother based on our different body types. I was served different snacks to my brother and in my young mind his were the 'good' snacks, the ones children are often rewarded with, so he was rewarded for his body and I was punished. It took years to break out of this - I urge you to be very cautious and talk through this with a therapist (and if you aren't seeing one, I'd recommend it)

When I had children I had to work very hard on my attitude to their food and bodies. In a way it was easier for me because my children are naturally very slim, it's just how they're made. I do think maybe I would have struggled with them gaining weight, not because I would have minded 'chubby' children, but because navigating managing their weight could have triggered those old thought patterns.

Kids do come in different sizes. Many of my friends children eat well but are bigger, different humans just naturally have higher or lower default weights I believe. In a way having my 10 year daughter has helped me understand that because she is so slim, on the edge of underweight, but eats a huge amount of food and is in fine health - just how she's made. For years I battled with how I was made, and that's where it all went wrong.

Saying all that 4kg is a lot heavier than her brother. What is her actual height and weight? Could it be that actually her brother is a lot smaller than average and she's fine? I think it's worth being really honest about what you're struggling with. Is her weight actually unhealthy, or are you programmed to see it as unattractive? If it might be the latter, you need to work through this yourself. I'm sure you have suffered as I have. You have a duty to stop that cycle from continuing. I was the third generation ED sufferer in my family and I always keep in my mind that I may not be a perfect parent but I will be the LAST in the cycle.

Practically, I would not restrict snacks, but I would restrict open access. She doesn't need to be going into the fridge at 3 and taking cheese and meaty snacks (not sure what those are but sounds like processed meat, be careful of salt content for a 3 year old) I've never allowed my children free access to anything but the fruit bowl but if they're hungry they can ask and I feed them. Constant hunger would have me looking at the meals to see if they're balanced enough.

OP wont be coming back I dont know why we're bothering

My Gds was a very roly-poly fat baby and still chubby at 3, but is vey active, soon slimmed right down, hardly an ounce of fat on him now though he eats like a horse.

I sincerely hope that the OP has expressed her concerns, about her child’s weight, in real life, just so professional intervention can be accessed. Poor little girl.

You need to get rid of all the junk food. No cheese strings or pepperami or biscuits or croissants. If they are hungry, make them both healthy snacks. No need to limit healthy snacks. I have one very sporty child who trains 15 hours a week. I’m not feeding her biscuits and croissants to keep weight on her. She’s having normal meals, fruit, toast, boiled eggs, cheese and crackers, mini pizzas as snacks, etc.

To me, it sounds like you’re still in a restriction and binge when it’s allowed mindset. Really if everyone just eats healthy food and as much of it as their body says they need, it’s much better for everyone.

The irony! You are ‘projecting your weight issues’ here.
You don’t engage with healthcare professionals as you and your social circle think you know better.
You feed up one child and restrict the other to make them ‘healthy’.
You’re asking strangers for advice on how to slim down your 3year old.
With the greatest respect- I don’t think you manage your ED as well as you think you do. I appreciate that must be difficult to see.
You are creating a perfect environment for future ED in your kids. Please seek some professional advice on this matter. Good luck.

Some kids don’t realise when they are full, some eat for reasons other than hunger. Getting to know why your DD is wanting to eat; habit / bored / something to do / likes it. would be useful.

Can you increase her activity levels? You don’t talk about how active she is. And how does she respond to being distracted / re-directed or being told, no we just had breakfast for example?

She says she cooks everything herself apart from the cheese and pepperamis, so presumably the biscuits cake and brioche and croissants are home made?

Not that it matters, she wont be back to clarify

You need to do a course on nutrition, there are free ones around, or speak to a professional. You are giving your children eating disorders.

Feed your children more complex carbohydrates so they stay full longer and dont need snacks as often. Have healthy snacks available so no grapes - apples, bananas, strawberries, plums, apricot, oranges. if you must have biscuits then oat cookies. Fresh or dried figs are not too bad. Carrot sticks.

Are you a traveller/ circus person?
Anyway, I think mate. Your DD might say she’s hungry when she’s actually bored? Thirsty? She’s little and doesn’t know her body yet.
Rayher than limiting her food (I have a boy 2 years older than my daughter so similar circumstances), just give him bigger portions as he’s older and has a bigger requirement for calories, and aim to get your DD more active. Gymnastics (for fun) riding a bike, walking more, swimming. At 3 she will have some degree of puppy fat anyway, plus the male and female body are different.
i wouldn’t worry too much about a chunky 3 yo, if she’s still bursting out of age appropriate clothes at 5/6/7 then maybe take her to GP for a checkup

All of my three used to put on weight before a growth spurt, to the point where I started to worry they were looking a bit chubby but then they’d shoot up. She’s three and she’s active, I wouldn’t worry about it at this age. If she’s fit and healthy, it’ll sort itself out. And,
kindly, it’s possible you have a distorted perception of her at this point in your own healing journey.

it great that you are mindful about passing your eating issues onto your children.
Id get an professional opinion about your daughter weight and health. i know you said youd had poor experiences with health visitors but perhaps you could discuss with your gp ?
I though my daughter was a little bit overweight at a few points in her life,in hind sight it was always before a growth spurt.