How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

Sorry @Notmycircusnotmyotter but you aren't managing it, you arr projecting onto a 3 year old.

You need professional help for both you and managing thing with both your children.

Focus on playing and having fun. I’m guessing that your son is more physically active than your daughter?

I was raised by an anorexic and although they tried to not let it affect their parenting and to protect me it did unfortunately. The focus was on food simply by trying really hard for it not to be. They overdid it. They made it a thing.

I feel for you, it must be incredibly hard to get that balance but unless you are really worried about their health (both of them because you recognise that he could probably do with putting on weight) then let them be children. Encourage physical activity and encourage them to cook nutritious meals with you.
Don’t encourage one to snack while forbidding the other from snacking.

You sound like you are generally feeding your 3 year old well and healthily, but you are still struggling to fill her and she is perpetually hungry. The only explanations I can see is that

• actually you are comparing her to your boy and saying he takes so little and is thin so she is eating masses and is chubby, when really, although she eats more than him and is bigger, she is actually still not eating enough and is underweight.
• she is actually overeating and hungry because she has some kind of medical condition that makes her want extra food.

Please take both your kids to see a doctor or health visitor and get some proper advice on underweight/overweight and what they need.

A couple of red flags present themselves in your posts.

Firstly you say you have "controlled anorexia". But that you cannot help but see fat as "bad and lazy". I'd say your anorexia is still in control of you, not the other way around.

What you seem to be saying is that your son, who doesn't offend your idea of what should be eaten and when, is good. Because he conforms to your view of "fat = bad and lazy.

On the other hand, your daughter doesn't conform to your views about eating and so does offend your anorexic view so that she must therefore be bad and lazy.

I really don't wish to be harsh but I think it's you who needs help with your eating beliefs, not your children.

What centile is she actually on for height and weight? No one can possibly advise without this info - it may be a you problem, or your child may actually be overweight. You say your food and weight issues are controlled, but you must be aware that your judgement of a healthy weight is not going to be the most reliable.

Although I don’t think a 3 yr old ever having unmonitored access to the fridge is a good idea, regardless of their weight.

OP is seemingly just ignoring this question. I suspect because she has checked and her daughter is completely normal

I feel sad for your daughter OP and your judgement of her. She is 3 years old. Please get therapy to address your issues so you don’t continue to pass them onto your children.

There's good evidence that 'feeding up' premature babies to get their weight up is unhealthy in the longterm. I'd be more concerned about your cramming calories into a healthy 5 year old boy than a hungry 3 year old. If he's healthy he will eat when he's hungry - it's normal to be able to see the ribs on a little kid. Maybe he'll be a short man, that's normal. It sounds like you are overfeeding him because you perceive him to be underweight - which seems unlikely if there is plentiful food at home. Talk to your HV & GP about both kids - sounds like you need a reset generally about how to feed them.

Kindly: I think you need to recognise that you are funny about food particularly for girls.

She’s good as she is. Some children just like food - that is fine.

This.

Protein is exceptionally important at this stage.

Your daughter is probably going through a growth spurt which is completely normal.

Please go to your GP and get help.

This, this thread is so sad.
is it because she’s a girl you are being so harsh on her? Does her father know how you view her?

I got to this point of your posts & all I have to say is this is extremely unhealthy. You are majorly projecting your eating issues on BOTH of your children.

your daughter will be trying to access snacks in part cos she sees her brother allowed them but will not understand why shw can’t

you don’t even know where she sits weight wise cos you ‘don’t trust HV’s’. Calling her big when actually she might just be normal.

please seek help before you damage those poor kids into a lifetime of eating disorders

she is probably eating through boredom
and how do you not see her go in the fridge?

What does your husband think?

I dont agree with OPs stance and have set this out in my posts, however I do think people tend to make assumptions on any thread of this nature about someone living with a long term MH condition that 'she needs to get help'

She's probably had therapy over the years coming out her ears, there is only so much therapy someone can have, its not going to 'fix' her

She manages her own disorder by having a threshold she doesnt go below, its managed as much as it can be at the moment by the sounds of it.

The help she needs is to listen to someone, possibly not health visitors if she is going to reject the information, about not limiting her daughter's food.

No one in my circles engage with health visitors.

My son is older. I know you can't compare apples and oranges; I only know what I can with two children I love deeply and want to be healthy.

I think there are people on here projecting their weight issues. If you were an over weight child/teen would you not have preferred your parents to fix that young?

shes 17.7kg and 93cm.

whoever had issues with me calling her perfect - have a day off. I don't expect her to be anything. To me she is always perfect.

Stop letting her eat whatever she wants, she shouldn't be allowed to constantly get stuff out the fridge.

It's ok to say no to kids, even when it comes to food and it's ok for them to be disappointed.

You need to make sure she's getting the right size portion for a 3 year old. You should still be able to see a child's ribs even at 10 years old so people saying she's fine are incorrect.

Well, this "big adult" was a "big child" and had this sort of shit said to me...

As an adult, I'm carrying approx 55kg of muscle, which will protect me well into old age. Eating too little as a child affects muscle and bone development, not to mention the shame and emotional issues as you get older.

Get someone objective to look at your DC and give you advice.

Get yourself checked for osteoporosis as you age, you're a prime candidate at 48 ish kg.

It really isn't normal for a 3 year old to be helping herself to the fridge.

no one in my circles engage with health visitors.
is that because you look down on them, or because you know they’ll tell you you’re doing wrong and are at risk of causing her harm?
(awaitin the admonishment from people saying that’s mean!)

The fridge should have a lock on it and child locks on cupboards. Stop feeding empty carbs and get some protein in them both. Parent your child for goodness sakes

You can't do this - forbid her from having the foods her brother eats. That's not ok at all. They way you talk about each of your children's eating suggests the problems lie with you and I would really urge you to get some professional advice.

She’s three for gods sake? I honestly can’t believe I’m reading this.

Please do engage with a health visitor or I fear you’ll be gifting your daughter your eating disorder in later years.

I agree with you about HVs. Mine were totally useless and directed me to the GP if I had any query. Even things you’d expect to be completely within their remit, like weaning.

That weight and height does put her at fairly different centiles for each. But I think that you should speak to a professional about it, because I don’t think that you are necessarily best placed to be considering changes to her diet or portion size. Both for her sake and yours.

Start saving for her therapy expeditiously.
The way you talk about her compared to your son is unsettling.

If you don't expect her to be anything, just leave her be.
One thing which stands out to me if you are only worried about food from a weight perspective. You don't mind you son eating snacks because he's slim, but you don't mind about the crap in the snacks he's consuming. This is such a dangerous road to go down. Food shouldn't be seen as something which does or doesn't make you fat, but should be considered it's nutrition or health benefits.
Also, if your son is skinny, that's just his build. He doesn't need all of that snacking, all it's doing is fostering a bad relationship with food (for him and your daughter). One of my kids is really skinny, but I still don't let him eat what he wants as he's healthy. Just naturally skinny.