Exploding your life

[Implodeitall]

Been reading about the recent trend of 'midlife' women imploding their life. Feels very attractive to me right now, things are grim.

I'm 39, 2 young kids, corporate job, big earner and the main breadwinner, big house which I don't like, husband I don't like. DC having emotional/behavioural issues. Blame myself as I'm so stressed with work I'm never really in the room even when I am. Modern pressures of intensive parenting. Not sure how I ended up here but I want none of it (except the kids, but I want them to be happy). An endless treadmill of crap you can't get off. Has anyone actually escaped this?!

Divorce, different job, downsize, be present.

You mean dump the husband and job?

I don't know where this silly terminology comes from, but that isn't exploding or imploding

It's just making a decision about your future

I've just quit my job and have no idea how I'm going to pay the mortgage next month. But I actually don't care because I've broken myself trying to stay afloat. There's always a way to work things out

Your life sounds pretty bloody awful @Implodeitall

and making changes would not just make you happier. This can’t be happy home for anyone

It feels hard when you come from the kind of backgrounds where 2 parents, big house and stability are valued. Feels like imploding when you're supposedly 'living the suburban dream'.

Feels more like carrying the weight of your parents expectations than a midlife crisis. I get this. My mum always asks about my husband over how I am, he can do no wrong in her eyes and I must simply toe the line. That's because of how she has conducted her own marriage to my dad - his wellbeing comes before her own. That's why Im low contact these days - no big argument, I simply have little to say to her. But now I'm trying to live my life as I want it, in small ways, I'm not too adventurous. How do you want to look back on your life? Dutiful but miserable? I think you have to take some risks for your own happiness.

Also hard to do everything at once. Job allows me to be completely independent financially, sure it would be much harder with a pay cut.

Well, decide which is the priority?

Do a business case. Then plan a process.

What is particularly annoying you?

Are you peri-menopausal, in which case, you will be stopping making excuses for poor treatment and be judging things with a more "shape up or ship out" attitude?

What do the kids need?

I would also be looking at retirement. Are you going to be keeping a useless DH? How is he making you unhappy? If you divorce now, will you be better off?

Can you buy in help? Can you change some parts of your job?

Would a life coach help? A career coach? Couple coaching?

Sounds like you have money, throw some of it at solving this puzzle. You have choices, it's just ordering them and executing any changes you need. You don't sound happy and life is very short.

If money allows - and it sounds like it does - go get some therapy ASAP. Wrecking your life without a clear idea of what you want to create from the wreckage isn't a good idea. Go and unpick all the feelings and frustrations and get more of a sense of direction first.
Best of luck @Implodeitall .
There will be a way forward.

Who said you need to do everything at once?

No one. Marriage first. Either counselling or if you have zero hope…. See a divorce lawyer

1/2 marriages divorce.

First step is ditch the husband an get him to have your kids his 50 percent share of the time. That way you lose the dead weight and gain some free time to spend your hard earned cash doing fun things with your kids and the rest of your time resting and enjoying your own interests. Bet life would be a lot nicer then and you can keep your career and be happy

“Get him to have your kids 50 percent”

what happens if he’s a shite father

sharing my children with my ex 50/50 would have been my worst nightmare so was very relieved when he was ok with EOW and one kid week dinner

Sometimes losing everthing if freedom.
Same goes for giving up everthing.
Start again start from scratch.
Ive done it.

With two young children?

Im sure someone out there as lost everything and have kids and started again.
My mum my sister are 2 i know off.

Giving up can be taken differently as in give up what dont work not working.

so no

Do it in stages. I would change the job first. Then settle in that role.

then get divorced, the house will get sold as part of this. Then with your proceeds you buy a smaller house.

You’re allowed to change your mind. We get one life. My life once looked wonderful from the outside but I was deeply unhappy and needed more. So I started again, at 30, with my two children. That was ten years ago and I honestly could not be happier now.

You are best to downgrade the job before you get divorced. You can always ramp it back up again.
I swapped the useless lump of a husband for an au pair.
About a third of the price and treble the output

I did it with Four. I’m not saying it was a picnic
It was and still is difficult at times, but we’re all still alive and three out of four so far went to university etc

Not sure if it will make you feel better, but it's not a recent trend. There are loads of novels (written by women) about women reaching a certain point, deciding it's not all it's cracked up to be and either leaving, having a breakdown, temporarily leaving or walking into the sea. It can seem (and in many ways would be) freeing to just walk away from absolutely everything and start again, but you'd probably miss certain elements and regret leaving absolutely everything. Perhaps try and focus on things you enjoy you'd like to do more of and find ways to carving out more time for these (like being present with your children, as you mention this in your post). If you don't like the way life is now, change it. Seriously look at what you'd love in a house - including location - and put in place a plan to sell your current home and relocate. It can seem too overwhelming to make big life changes when everything is 'settled'...but settled doesn't often equal happy. Think of it as if you only had 10 years or fewer to live. Would you want your last 10 years to be in a house you hate, trapped on a grinding treadmill? If not, what would you want to do? (Obviously we'd all love to be independently wealthy, whic isn't going to happen; but if you don't like your current job, look for another; if you've always wanted to live in the mountains or by the sea, move. If big changes are too much, start small. The house doesn't have to be perfectly clean. Dinner doesn't have to be made from scratch every night. Kids don't need a bath every night. Find ways to introduce a little bit of ease and time into your life, so you can start enjoying things again.)

Get rid of your husband, you don't seem to need him in your life.
Less time at work, if possible.
Be there for yourself and your kids, look for a different house together.

Agree with pp.

Approach it like a business deal.

Would things improve more with divorce? Extrapolate that out. Would he have kids 50/50 or less? Would he be likely to get more then 50% of assets and how would that effect you? Would stepping down into a lesser paid role be sensible first?

It sounds like, the house, the job and the husband's are each part of the problem. Look at changing each of them separately or together and planning out the consequences of the timing etc. see how each of those results make you feel and if it's worth the short term upheaval to get to the longer term goal.

Alternatively....

Talk to DH about your unhappiness and see if you can improve your relationship. He deserves to know there are issues (assuming he's not an awful person) and a chance to come to terms with things. (Don't do this if you think he will manipulate the situation to screw you over)

Talk to your work about dropping hours or working flexibly if you can afford a pay cut.

Hire someone to come to your home to make improvements so you don't hate it anymore. Even an extension or renovation may be cheaper then moving...

Reducing outgoings (downsizing the home) before reducing incomings (lower pressure job) is the sensible order.

That isn't 'imploding your life', it's just choosing to own a smaller house, which many other people do anyway.

Only you know if the relationship issues are fundamental or caused by the other pressures.

It feels hard when you come from the kind of backgrounds where 2 parents, big house and stability are valued. Feels like imploding when you're supposedly 'living the suburban dream'. Sorry but this is just an excuse. Other people make healthy life choices whatever their backgrounds, you could choose any life you want.

I agree therapy might help.