Exploding your life

[Implodeitall]

Been reading about the recent trend of 'midlife' women imploding their life. Feels very attractive to me right now, things are grim.

I'm 39, 2 young kids, corporate job, big earner and the main breadwinner, big house which I don't like, husband I don't like. DC having emotional/behavioural issues. Blame myself as I'm so stressed with work I'm never really in the room even when I am. Modern pressures of intensive parenting. Not sure how I ended up here but I want none of it (except the kids, but I want them to be happy). An endless treadmill of crap you can't get off. Has anyone actually escaped this?!

Ignore the nitpicking about terminology @Implodeitall Of course if you were to leave your job, husband and home it could feel like like was imploding!! These are big decisions that impact lots of people.

I’m reading the thread with interest. I’m in the same boat except I like my husband. I feel very trapped and as the main earner, responsible for the lifestyle of my family.

This is great advice and I’m going to follow it myself.

Get rid of husband. Probably never be happier.

I think you should pick one thing and change that, then reassess after a period of time and see if something else needs to change.
For me in your situation it would be the hours worked. Can you keep your job but reduce hours? Then you could be there a bit more for the kids. And I don't mean drop to four days but still do the work of five days, that's even more stressful. I mean have a proper conversation with employer and work out what working pattern would help you. I have so many friends with kids who have done this and are much happier. Some are part time, some are full time but flexible on their hours ie work a couple of hours when the kids are in bed or make up time on the weekend.
As to the husband and house. It's supposed to be a partnership, there has to be compromise, if you are heading towards burnout then things have to change. Point out that if you divorce he'll lose the house anyway and be in a much worse situation. And what if you lost your job? You'd probably have to sell up then too.
He has to work with you too fix this, if you feel like you are in this alone and he's not helping and won't change them you are probably better off divorcing.

People on here are so cold. They are also sexist and hypocritical. Dump the husband? You made vows to him. He’s not some casual boyfriend. If it was the other way round the man haters would be up in arms

How bad is the feeling of stress? Could you get signed off for a week or two to give you breathing/thinking space, and time to focus on the 7yr old? It might also give your H a wake-up call. It's completely unacceptable for him to refuse a higher paid job but say you have to stay in one. It would be perfectly reasonable to say you can't do this anymore, give him a few months warning that you are handing in your notice and looking for less consuming work & that he has a choice either to find a higher paying job or downsize. That might make it harder to split though and afford a house on your own, though your quality of life might be much better.

Then that is the thing to tackle.
Ask your employer if you can go part time, e.g. 9.00 til 3.00 over 5 days, to be available before and after school, or alternatively drop to three full days - depends on the commute.
If they won't let you, hand in your notice. They might re-consider, depending on how important you are, but most likely they won't because employers don't like employees to feel like they have the upper hand.

Then spend a year devoting the extra time to the DC.
Tell DH you will both just have to economise to suit the lower income. No holidays, minimal days out, cheaper meals, etc. Possibly trade in a car for a cheaper model, depending on how your car is financed or if you own it outright. Even consider extending your mortgage to reduce payments.

In a year's time, re-assess. Check if DH has stepped up, or has the marriage deteriorated. Decide whether to divorce, and whether to go back full time, or do something else like go self-employed or re-train, depending on how the DC are doing.

If you divorce, don't expect him to move out, and don't expect to stay in the house. Most likely you will both stay there during the divorce until it is sold.
But it may be that divorce is not the answer.

The only consideration is what YOU value...
What do you value ?

What about your husband do you dislike ? Is he another child you have to take care of ? Is it something you think he could work on with you through marriage counselling?

You can easily change house. That’s not an issue. But it’s part of the conversation you need to have with your husband about your life and what needs to change. A therapist would really help with that.

Millennial problem? Not being facetious but there are times in your life where you experience the perfect storm and it feels shit. You either jump out and start again, but risk repeating this every time you hit this point in the future, or you look at the long game.

You have expended a lot of time and energy to get to this point. It’s easier to walk away than find a solution. The time to walk away is when a solution isn’t forthcoming.

Sit down and work out how changes are going to help or hinder. Talk to your husband about how you are felling. Don't do it over the kitchen table where emotions can run away. Go out for a quiet meal where you can discuss things in an adult fashion without the distractions of children and home life.
I hit this stage and felt overwhelmed. DH just didn’t get it so I wrote him a letter to read while we were out for a meal. Seeing it in black and white resulted in us sorting out the chaos and moving forward.

We made long term plans and came up with short term solutions. DH realised that I needed time out and since then has encouraged me to have trips away from it all with my DSis ( who was at a similar stage).

I hated DH at times because his life was organised and calm while I was carrying a lot of the financial and organisational weight along with his expectation of traditional rolls. I like to be in control, not controlling I just need to know that bills are paid, cars are MOT’d, appointments made. DH is more a physical organiser so his control was whether the house was tidy, washing ironed and put away.

Basically he did the housework and I did the finances etc. we stopped resenting each other and life did change for the better. Playing to our strengths within the relationship whether traditional or not saved our marriage.

The problem with being the main earner, as a woman, is that you still feel you need to perform the traditional rolls in a marriage. Once you change the status quo life improves. You don’t have to be superwoman but men don’t always realise that you are struggling. You often have to spell it out to them. As my DH often told me, he’s not a mind reader.

If you just leave the husband and not the job though then aren't you just making your life even harder? All the stress of work, still no time for the kids, but parenting solo too?

This is going to sound cold as fuck but start with the a spreadsheet. All assets including your pension (it’s not a raid, he is entitled to half as a starting point, sorry but that’s how it is). Work out how much you would need to buy him out or what the position would look like if you sold the house. Look at properties that could work for you. Model it out. This is a project. You are a senior professional. Start with the numbers. It will make you feel more in control.
of course you need to prioritise your kids wellbeing too, but your eldest is probably picking up on how unhappy you are.

Well even that’s better than nothing. Which is what I get because my kids dad is a shite father. Unfortunately them being a bit rubbish doesn’t mean they don’t have the right to be a
parent if they’re willing. It’s not a case of the one that has the highest parenting standards wins the kids. If he’ll do his 50% he should. I’d give a right arm for every other weekend off though so between that and losing the dead weight husband, it’s still a massive advantage on where op is now

Also model what life woukd look like with various models of custody e:g. 50/50, 60/40, 70/30. Could you flex your hours so you do longer days when you don’t have the kids then shorter days when they’re with you, for example.

Parenting solo for half the time

@Implodeitall I really think we were all sold a lie, quite a big one. It’s ok for you to feel how you feel, give yourself that freedom to say this is shit, I’ve had enough. Then sit with that for a while, stop pretending and coping. That bit of space might give you a chance to think about your eldest dc, don’t feel guilty or panicky, it won’t help you or them. Maybe by allowing yourself to really feel your feelings, you might find the way forward for you and your family. Sending you strength and acceptance @Implodeitall

Is there any prospect of you reducing your hours in your current job? Doesn't have to be a permanent arrangement. Put in a request for flexible / reduced hours and cite your child problems, which may be resolved after 6 months.

Then spend that time working on your own stress, and supporting your older child.

If you're working less, and have a reduced income would that prompt your dh to step up? If your general stress is reduced you can then consider properly whether your marriage is workable, or not. Is dh practical and supportive in other ways? From experience, it does feel lonely when you're the only adult in the house and 100% responsible for the dripping tap, the storm damaged roof, the phone call to the insurance company and the tradespeople.

Research properties that would allow your dc to still have school opportunities (I'm assuming state schools, not private), but which would give you a simpler life. Look at them realistically and ask yourself some hard questions about what YOU actually value, how you use your current space. Could you see yourself living in a 3 bed semi, with no utility room, washing drying on the radiators, no seperate study for wfh, no spare room for guests. (which is what many people aspire to!). Do your dc currently use the play room and garden, or would they be happier playing games with you in the only living room, and kicking a football around the park? Could you survive with a tiny patio, a bench and a couple of pots of spring flowers?

Generally in life, when I've felt as overwhelmed as you appear to be, I've tried to give it 3 months. 3 months of small efforts in very directed specific ways (e.g. spending time and being present with your older dc for 15 minutes every morning / evening). But also 3 months to make proper plans and considerations, so that at the end of the period you are 100% ready to take action. As so many posters have suggested, take it in bite size chunks (you and your dc first). Imploding your life feels tempting but I'm sure you can bring about a better outcome.

Is there any chance your DC might have autism and/or ADHD? My eldest seemed absolutely fine in younger years of primary then had more and more difficulties - with the epic violent tantrums you describe.
Much easier to get diagnosis and treatment while you have the money to go private, plus you'll know what you're dealing with going forwards

You sound miserable OP. What's the point in busting your balls earning 200k if it's not making you or your family happy?

You don't need to implode your life, I'd start with therapy to understand which bit is the real problem. Often when something is off it makes everything seem terrible.

So what if DH gets spousal maintenance, better that than stay in a grim relationship surely.

Leave the job before you leave the husband, you can always step it back up after divorce but you don't want to have to pay him

I recently gave notice on my job with the support of my partner. He doesnt work and its a gamble for what I will do while I wait to get onto some training for my dream job, but money isnt everything. It also means I will be much more present for my son who is asd/adhd. On mothers day when asked what is mummy good at he said working. When I asked him how he knew I was good at my job he said I work a lot so I must be good at it. Which is gorgeous but made me realise he notices it all and probably needs me more.
I guess some people would see it as blowing up to an extent but really doing it for me and my own mental health, I know I will also be a better partner and mum x

You're going to figure it out, OP. My advice would be to try not to rush any decisions, but first research, talk to people (sounds like you're doing this!), and get as clear as you can on what the best outcome for you and DC looks like. Take action from a place of mental clarity.

If you have a big corporate job and a big house you hate how do the financial of downsizing and relocating stack up up? Would you be selling a expensive London property, would a relocating to a cheaper area support a reduction in salary to go part time and a smaller cheaper house?

Why don't you like your dh anymore? Is it irreversible?

I think it might be easier if you accept that this ‘suburban dream’ isn’t making any of you happy, except possibly your husband, and he isn’t making you happy. Life is so, so short. It’s all very well providing your family with all the material stuff, but none of that is going to matter a bit when your time is almost up and you’re looking back on your life. It’s going to be things like your relationships with your DC, and who and how you’ve loved, that really matter. And big spaces to play and their own bedrooms might be lovely, but I can’t imagine there would be many 7 or 3 year olds that wouldn’t rather live in a small three bed semi with an average size garden if it meant they got to have more quality time with their mum in a calm and happy environment.

I think that the first step is telling your husband that you’re not happy and are not willing to carry on like this. His choices are to come to marriage guidance with you to see if anything can be rescued, or it’ll be mediation and you’ll do it by yourself. Either way, you’re not carrying him financially anymore and you’re not staying in the house. Then getting the house on the market and getting a new place. You’ll need every penny you can get your hands on for a while. And I suspect it would be easier to move into a new home by yourself, than trying to get him to move out if you took him with you. Then a new job last of all. You don’t need to earn that much unless you really want to. It’s ok to do a job where you’re paid less but have a better quality of life. In fact, it’s good to do that. And yes, he might try to go for spousal support, but if you’re only earning enough to support yourself and your DC, he’s going to be disappointed.

You need to ask yourself if you LIKE the job. If you don’t you’re just going to build resentment the longer you stay with him, and you’re going to be giving him MORE money as the years go on.

If you don’t like the job you find another, downshift into one paying 70-100k that’s got less demand.

THEN you quit the marriage. You get divorced, financial order, sell house.

You MUST ask yourself, DO I LIKE THIS JOB.