Exploding your life

[Implodeitall]

Been reading about the recent trend of 'midlife' women imploding their life. Feels very attractive to me right now, things are grim.

I'm 39, 2 young kids, corporate job, big earner and the main breadwinner, big house which I don't like, husband I don't like. DC having emotional/behavioural issues. Blame myself as I'm so stressed with work I'm never really in the room even when I am. Modern pressures of intensive parenting. Not sure how I ended up here but I want none of it (except the kids, but I want them to be happy). An endless treadmill of crap you can't get off. Has anyone actually escaped this?!

Thanks for the sensible replies! I have raised these issues consistently for the last couple of years - I can't shape my life into something that would make me happy because DH refuses on the big blockers - will not move and won't get himself a better paying job to cut me some slack. The pressure is immense and then now DC struggling on top is too much to bear. Feel like I will explode. Working so hard towards absolutely nothing as have no vision of the future.

Have you ever said to him 'either we downsize together or we divorce and the property is sold anyway'?

It's not fair for one to hold the other hostage, as he is.

Well, just as you would with a business partner that was no longer aligned with your values or goals
Release them into the wild
It can be done amicably
My Advice is rip the plaster off quickly the longer it goes on the worse it gets and the more expensive.
And equally don’t give an inch the moment you’re given an inch it’s seen as being weakness and the piss will be taken from point onwards.
Get all your paperwork together go and see a solicitor put together a strategy in a plan
Present it to the other party.
There might be a bit of back-and-forth, but your position is unmovable
They will run out of money before you will to argue the case and the longer it goes on the less attractive your offer becomes.
I paid for six months accommodation in a flat elsewhere for the other party which they accepted and it drew the line in the sand in terms of my being the primary caregiver

👏🏼 nails it

I’ve imploded my life twice. All for the best. It all worked out. If you’re unhappy go for it.

Who am I trying to impress by giving some thought to whether I want to dismantle everything my kids know?!

I have the stressful, high earning job in our house. I don’t love it, but having been made redundant twice, life is definitely more stressful without my salary coming in. My DH does pick up a lot of slack at home though which makes a huge difference.

Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? If you see hope, then counselling. But sounds like this died a long time ago

how old are your children and how are they struggling?

It feels hard when you come from the kind of backgrounds where 2 parents, big house and stability are valued. Feels like imploding when you're supposedly 'living the suburban dream'.

Yes, who are you trying to impress?

If living some sort of suburban dream is more important to you than your kids emotional health then crack on.

You could just divorce, downsize etc. I wouldn’t call that imploding, I would call it sorting your life out. An implosion means some sort of major fuck up. Sounds like your life’s already a mess and you’ve been trying to impress peers, parental expectations who knows? Only you I guess.

Ok. Or maybe just trying to give my kids space to play, a bedroom each, a garden and proximity to excellent schools. Things most people would do if they could?

It's not about impressing people, but there's an element of going against the grain to disrupt all of that. People would likely think I'm selfish.

Bloomin heck

I don't think so but my views could be clouded by stress.

3 year old - fine. 7 year old - acting out at school, epic, violent tantrums at home.

I wouldn't say it's a mess but maybe it's not working for you anymore. If you're brought up to believe a bigger house, more money, a husband, well-presented children is the ideal.

It must be hard to comtemplate a smaller house, a divorce, etc.

However, if the DH won't contemplate changes to make your life easier, you're left with little choice. Is he still wanting it all?

Priority is finding out what's going on with the DC, I would think, that doesn't sound ok.

Definitely go see someone or whatever you need to get to an objective view.

Leave your husband. Get a smaller house, prioritise spending time with your children over your job.

It depends on what’s really important to you.

A child’s emotional health should be the top priority. For example, a shared bedroom isn’t the end of the world if it means the children are going to be happier and better off emotionally.

Having a big house is glorious, only if the inhabitants are happy. Many families achieve both, but if you can’t, then yeah, I would still downsize.

Ok o did suggest marriage a priority but total change. Your 7 year old must be your immediate focus. To me, this potentially sounds like a child very unhappy at home and trying to convey that.

@Hagnumber4This resonates 💔 I am right on the brink - of either breaking (although that may have already happened) or resignation. But the loss of income scares me.
What are your circumstances? Are you on your own, do you have a partner or children? What sort of role were you in?

Yes the unhappy child is what is pushing me over the edge on top of everything to be honest.

You are not going to dismantle everything they know, that is hyperbole - they don't know what job you do and they don't care what house you live in so long as it is safe and stable.

Your children are young - they love their parents and other family, they like their school. No one is suggesting you remove those things from their lives.

Hey OP,

Long time ago now, but I worked my back-side off to keep my house when I divorced. I had to buy ex-H out & tutor every hour I could once kids were in bed (I'm an teacher, so glad I had this avenue). DC were 2 & 4 & it was hard, & I'll not be mortgage free for some years after I thought I'd be. Luckily I had a very decent ex-DH who paid good maintenance & has always been an excellent father. How do you think your DH would be after divorce?

Saying this, my friend didn't have the luxury of being able to afford her house, or a decent ex, so she sold up & bought a 3 bed flat. She was devastated at first, but actually has never been happier. Her DC didn't need to change school, & despite less room/ no garden, she had a lovely park opposite & her mum was able to help at times. She says now, 10 years later, it was the best thing she's ever done.

Op - I left. My kids were older though (teens) can’t say it was easy but I haven’t looked back.
I have a very good relationship with both my daughters (one at uni other living independently - they are both now in their twenties).
I saw my parents stay together - there last 10-15 years spent bickering, disrespecting and just genuinely being vile to each other. I didn’t want that. And I also didn’t want my kids to think that settling when you are so unhappy is right - it’s not.

I think - hope - he would be decent in a split. Issue is more I can afford to keep the house but I don't want to. And he couldn't afford to house himself (he would have equity but couldn't pay a mortgage, really). There is a risk he would make a claim against my future earnings - spousal maintenance. What a bloody mess!