Exploding your life

[Implodeitall]

Been reading about the recent trend of 'midlife' women imploding their life. Feels very attractive to me right now, things are grim.

I'm 39, 2 young kids, corporate job, big earner and the main breadwinner, big house which I don't like, husband I don't like. DC having emotional/behavioural issues. Blame myself as I'm so stressed with work I'm never really in the room even when I am. Modern pressures of intensive parenting. Not sure how I ended up here but I want none of it (except the kids, but I want them to be happy). An endless treadmill of crap you can't get off. Has anyone actually escaped this?!

You’ll definitely have to split your pension and rightly so
This is what I said about the sooner you do it the better.
Go in with a fair deal and get it over with

Pensions will be 50:50 standard. Ultimately You’ll have to get in of a judge to confirm no spousal maintenance and that’ll cost £80k but it’s highly unlikely.

BtwOP my split is unlikely to be 50:50, I’ll be lucky if I can do 60% him 40% me, but at least I can start again 😁

It feels hard when you come from the kind of backgrounds where 2 parents, big house and stability are valued

They're your parents values, not yours.

Yeah, but it's not your dream, is it?

Think of one small thing about your life you can change easily and do that. Even if it is buying yourself a cheapo bunch of flowers from the supermarket every week to put on the kitchen windowsill, small things can help a lot.

It's hard to put a time on it, we quickly built closer relationships, within a few months we were more connected and they were happier, we were going out for walks together on week days and they were getting involved in making dinner, which never happened before because it was such a rush after work. With my DD it was really difficult for her going back to school after lockdown and she had some lingering anxiety so I wouldn't say it wasn't 'healed' with her until a couple of years later. Although, I do think that had I been working full time when she went back to school, things would have been so much worse. There were lots of tears before and after school, I'm not sure I would have had the capacity to provide the same level of support before.
My relationship with DH also improved within a few months. I don't know what your situation is, whether or not that is salvageable or if you even want it to be. My DH was working nights and taking on most of the load with childcare as I was out at work during the day. I think my expectations of him were pretty high and he didn't meet them, I can completely see why he didn't now, he was as exhausted as I was. We barely spoke other than to talk about what needed doing for DC/house.

OP you sound very stressed and I would be looking to have a less stressful job an reduce your outgoings in the first instance. Then see how things rebalance at home.

I’m about to turn 36.
getting married this year
I have 2 very small children.
I work very part time. Evenings (most evenings) and some weekends
fiancé works full time
we live in a 2 bedroom flat, kids share, and I would say they are extremely extremely happy children. Especially the 4 year old.
I’m not gloating, we live somewhere small. I earn on average probably somewhere around 18k a year.
but we are HAPPY!!!!! You live one time. Do what makes you happy

I never got into that sort of life, as I wouldn't be cut out for it and my DH even less so but what I can tell you is that your kids' childhoods will absolutely fly past and the older they get the faster it seems to go.

So if your primary concern is their happiness and finding the space to address their problems and avoid them reaching adulthood screwed up then you must act now.

Otherwise you will blink and it will be too late.

Do better

What's your husband done to make you not like him or is it because you are never there and don't make an effort?

If your kids are little beasts you need to work harder to parent them better

If the jobs too much and the house is too big

Leave

Go off sick
Sell your house and downsize to something more affordable which reduces your need to work so much

Divorcing my ex husband was the best thing I’ve done. It has changed my life completely- for the better.

I have two dc, one is autistic and has had some big struggles. My life is still better. All of my life is less stressful now I’m on control.

I came from two parents married for 50years, but it’s ok to divorce if it isn’t right. You only get one life.

Also sounds like he may be the main care giver due to your work what's stopping him going for custody and you having this big house having to pay him maintenance for kids who will have to move to a smaller place anyways?

Think you need to get some therapy. Couples family and solo sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to unpack

I’m not sure downsizing is quite the solution, particularly as part of a divorce when you’re downsizing by default by splitting the equity.

due to the rapid house price increase of recent times people often live in large houses without relativelarge mortgages. My mortgage is high, but represents about 50% of the LTv.

by buying a house £200k cheaper I would save about £400 a month mortgage, but what about the investment in stamp duty, arrangement fees, and taking on an (as recently) much higher fixed rate for a new property?

my bills savings may be £200 a month.

£600 a month is a lot of money to save but, not only will it take 3/4 years for that to repay the moving costs, when you earn £150k it doesn’t represent that much for the difference in living standards- I already don’t like my house, let alone having to furnish and find storage solutions for a much smaller one, let alone losing a garden etc.

I hate feeling cramped, overcrowded, messy etc and it would cause extreme stress. For me that paying be something I could tolerate to save £600 a month.

I always think these are easy obvious things to advise that don’t reflect the detail of the reality of doing it

No, we both work full time. He is not the main caregiver.

Don’t blame yourself, most people are throwing themselves into everything, the cost of living is high. Your relationship may improve with less hours, your DH needs to support you, step up or leave.

I went from FT work to PT work with term time only working. My DCs now cannot remember Mummy working long hours (the guilt was terrible at the time).
Pro’s
the reduction in stress is tangible. Work life balance better, can cover school
holidays and school runs. It isnt quite The Waltons, but you learn to explore nature reserves, parks and preferably anything free, packed lunches and rucksacks.
You’re present for the little things which I think can help towards the big things.
Con’s
lack of surplus cash can be ok some days and other days demoralising and suffocating. When all your friends want to have meals out / days out with kids at expensive places / nice holidays you have to pick and choose.
Some friends and family can look at you / your choices a little differently.
I haven’t had this, bur some report to fending off people wanting free school holiday childcare, you have to have firm boundaries from the get go.
Overall everyday I know I made the right choice, and my heart remains full.

Can I ask what you do? Term time part time sounds like teaching? I’d guess you earn, maybe £20k a year?

so Earning multiples would give me a mortgage of about £100k, how could I buy a property or remortgage my current one for that?

Buy any help that makes life easier, downsize.
Then look at changing job.

Yeap, it was exactly the same for me minus a husband I don’t like. I left my corporate job as I was always stressed and on the edge. I decided to go contracting and I was finally able to get my life back. I was working max 5-6 months a year and earning even more than before and the rest of the time I was with the kids. It was the best balance I could find cause I still wanted to work and continue my career.

I think many people can identify with this.
Very difficult time. I have never been married but most of my close friends have admitted to not liking their husbands at times in their lives.
You are in the thick of it OP, don't make any rash decisions.

I am in a very similar position. I am trying to separate but having terrible problems getting OH to accept things and move on. It has been 2 years and we are still living under same roof. He can't afford another place, refuses to rent, house doesn't have a lot of equity and I want to keep it for now for children. I earn more. Anyway. I worried that people would think I was selfish until I realised that I just don't care. I was so very unhappy for such a long time with someone who made absolutely no effort whatsoever, who very selfishly let me work way too hard in and out of the home. No one looked at him and said he was being selfish, but I was absolutely consumed. Fuck it. Life is short and you are allowed to take control.

That’s a very quick solution you provided. Even experts are not this confident.

Op, please consider therapy or life coaching to figure out what will help you feel better in life. Don’t take such rash decisions because charm of new life can also wear off and then you are facing with other set of challenges.

Part of the problem is we’ve been Americanised. To be unhappy in America is to be a failure and a loser. If you’re not happy, there’s something wrong with you. Because we are so saturated in American culture, we have absorbed this idea/delusion.

In reality, life is basically shit with good bits here and there.

One of my favourite memes was something along the lines of "every observer can provide a simple, clear solution to any problem, that is wrong because of the detail".

It was much more pithy but the idea of my original post was to encourage the OP to work out which thing was irritating her most atm. Or at least, draining her energy, then work through it methodically. Plus to point out it's all fixable, it's just working out what needs attention or is most difficult.

I think a lot of women get to a certain point in life and realise they are living other peoples hopes and experiences, they are living many other peoples lives not their own. From being young we are told not just we CAN have it all but we MUST have it all, the high flying job, be the perfect mum with the perfect kids, look great, have great holidays, expensive candles, look great (thin, 10 years younger) have a great social life with a load of friends, perfect husband who earns 10times minimum wage, does all the cooking and childcare, have perfectly in sync political views and libedo.

it’s a load of rubbish, we come to realise this, often by collapsing under the weight, we need to learn to shed the coat of expectation abc make sure our daughters (and sons)) don’t put it on.

Be you, find stuff that makes you happy.,’ calling it explosion/implosion is negative let’s calm it shedding the coat of others expectations and revealing the real us.

I was in your position 15 years ago - I still am (and always have been the main bread winner). The kids were 6 and 4 at the time and I didn’t want to be in that life. To be honest I still have days like this.. especially as our DD has been so unwell mentally for the last 4 years I am totally exhausted.

I don’t know if any of this will help but this is what helped me:

• counselling/ therapy - just me, not couples. I worked through stuff with parents, DH etc
• I outsourced everything I could afford too and lowered my cleaning standards so I could be with the kids at night/ weekend that included buying some pre- cooked/ shop bought meals, paying a cleaner, buying 5 lots of school uniform each so I didn’t have to put the washing on every night.
• I gave my marriage a clear ultimatum- you do xxxxx or I am gone. If he won’t compromise then its over and mean it… mine was do more in the house, 50% of childcare etc…. My DH was shocked didn’t want us to end and stepped up (he still does 15 years later!).
• I had to find peace with the fact it would always be me bringing in the money - I hate it still some days because the pressure is relentless but it is what it is for us.
• Individual focus on the children at the weekends, I would take one out, he would do the other, we would also do a family trip just to the park or to feed the ducks, bike riding or whatever. Minimal cost, minimal effort.
• Play dates were invaluable especially as they got older and could play nicely, and all I had to do was supervise home made pizza making for tea!! It reduced the pressure on me to be present all the time!!
• Reduced our outgoings so we could afford the things that made a real difference (I couldn’t afford to reduce my pay/ change my job at that time).
• I did look to change my job at that time but as I said I just couldn’t afford to.

As I say not sure if any of this will help, but I am sending you a MN hug, because it must just feel overwhelming.