Exploding your life

[Implodeitall]

Been reading about the recent trend of 'midlife' women imploding their life. Feels very attractive to me right now, things are grim.

I'm 39, 2 young kids, corporate job, big earner and the main breadwinner, big house which I don't like, husband I don't like. DC having emotional/behavioural issues. Blame myself as I'm so stressed with work I'm never really in the room even when I am. Modern pressures of intensive parenting. Not sure how I ended up here but I want none of it (except the kids, but I want them to be happy). An endless treadmill of crap you can't get off. Has anyone actually escaped this?!

this has actually really tickled me - imagine recieving a letter saying “my client intends to file for divorce” 😭

I'm not a solicitor!

Agree with some of the advice to parcel the problems up and choose which to tackle first and how. Issue is all seems well and then Monday hits, work is relentless, pick ups, activity drops etc... no time to think clearly until the next time the shit hits the fan!

@Implodeitall I was you a few years ago. Turns out once I’d got rid of EXDH everything else seemed much better. Most importantly I realised that I loved my job and the independence it gave me, and that the work-life tension was subtly created by him, possibly inadvertently. Remove him from the equation and my life became so much better in every aspect.

This in spades.

I was addressing this from the OP;

He has no grounds for spousal maintenance other than he may not be able to pay the mortgage or rent on a property which could also house the DC. I have spoken to a solicitor before who said this was an outside possibility.

So I realize it's unlikely, buy also believe to take NOTHING for granted when it comes to divorce.

Apologies I thought you’d said you were.

I strong relate to having no time to think. This is all part of the overwhelm and stress. I think my life will calmer when my husband is out of it

I would get some life coaching to help you think about what you really want your life to look like in the next 1, 5 and 10 years. What is your vision, how realistic is is? What do you change now to achieve it?

I think you’ll get divorced then move house as part of than and then either change jobs or your job will work itself out as these things sometimes do when the other stresses are gone.

This advice was given to me by a solicitor. It's when you're living with someone and they don't want to proceed with a divorce and they keep gas lighting you that everything is fine and won't budge with regards to their red lines which sounded like what OP is going through. So you send them a letter to your OWN house to prove that you mean business. They receive it, read it and the penny drops that they no longer hold the upper hand anymore.

Relationships are often about power dynamics and gives OP the upper hand to take control.

You may not agree with it but to me, it was a valid option at one point. I'm going through a divorce. I have a solicitor. I didn't use this option but I would have if it had been necessary.

it is only a Judge who can rule on spousal support, so I’m not sure id give it too much headspace at this stage. It would be a small part of a much wider more bitter and expensive battle if you end up there.

It seems like you’re supporting your husband who is not supporting you.

You need to see a lawyer to discuss what a divorce/financial separation will entail.

It seems if you get rid of your husband you get everything you want:

1. You get rid of your husband
2. You can sell the house you hate
3. You can have a break from your children
4. You can consider changing careers.

You can achieve everything by getting rid of your husband.

But it’s not really a valid option because it’s doesn’t do anything.

you don’t need them to agree to a divorce, you just do it.

I am also going through a divorce and am taking legal advice / work sparingly for the important things (from a couple of sources I have support through insurance and work as well as my own solicitor) as it’s so expensive and you can do much of it yourself.

Dropping a load of money on sending a letter so you can be “taken seriously” makes no sense and I wonder if it was just a money making exercise from your solicitor

Well that's your opinion. But OP can decide if it's an option she wants to take and I thought it was worth sharing. The letter doesn't just include "I'm filing" it includes a summary of what happens in the event of a divorce and gives a very clearly worded idea to the recipient what's on the line if it goes ahead. So yes it does do something. It puts someone who has been stubborn and difficult a completely new reality because the letter is about the law, not about feelings or arguments at home, it's a whole new level. It might save the marriage or it might break it but it's a step towards something different.

Anyway, please feel free to have the last word. I won't respond further. Good luck OP, you have some good advice on here and I hope you get to have a calmer life with more time with your kids in a house that feels right for you all.

Hire a mother's help for a while. Or a cleaner?

Go away for a weekend. Get the DH to look after the DC, he may as well do something useful.

Take the DC away, let them be feral, sit & think.

Take some days off & sit in a coffee shop.

Whatever it takes. Carve out some space.

This. Very odd catastrophic wording.

If you’re not happy with your life, take control and make changes.

Hi OP,

Sorry if I've missed it, but what is it about your house that you don't like? Is it something that you can throw some money at to get sorted?

Also, what can your husband do in the short term to help? Have you sat him down and said "DH, I'm really stressed at the moment and I really need you to pick up X, Y and Z"?

I know you mention you want DH to get a better paid job, but if he is working full time and enjoys his job, could he pick up more life admin stuff instead? Also, it's an obvious one, but have you outsourced as much house stuff as you can? Cleaning, gardening, ironing etc?

In your shoes, I think I'd take a 3-month sabbatical from work. Think about it as your 40th birthday present to yourself. I would have a proper plan of action for this time though and list absolutely everything that I'd want to achieve during the 3 months - top of the list would be spending more time with DC and getting to the bottom of what's going on with your eldest DC.

Start thinking about and writing down all the things you want to change, how you can change them, which will have the biggest impact etc. If I was thinking of imploding/exploding my life (and, more importantly my DC life) I'd only be doing so after exploring absolutely every possible avenue first.

From the outside you have, what most people desire to have in life

A very well paid job
Husband
Children
Home

However, you are not happy

Do you have any family or friends that you can talk to in confidence ?

Would an option be to employ a nanny or "mother's help" to help with your children ?

Your job gives you choices, because you have your own income. Do not under estimate the freedom that this gives you.

In the past, I down sized & I was much happier (minus the ex). However, I kept my job & my independence. Smaller property, means much smaller bills.

Good luck

Also, I've read every post and agree with everything that chatbots has mentioned - great advice! You need some time and space to think about and write down what you want to do next, which should be linked to reducing your stress levels, understanding what is going on with your eldest DC, spending time with your DC and self care for you.

Yes but I think I might have PMDD. Usually once I’m ovulating I feel a lot better.

This OP. Don’t waste your children’s only childhood not being present.

It is very hard to be happy when very busy. For parents though, exploding your life does mean exploding your kids, and many of those kids won't forgive their parents for it, even many years later. No easy answers. Maybe try changing job?

IME when a woman is saying they can’t cope in a job when men in the same job aren’t, it’s because they are bearing the unfair load of wifework. I’d always advise looking at the burden of that ahead of the burden of the job. Read the book. It’s eye opening.

Have a watch of that for some perspective.

Life is too short to live your life by what you think other people might think, too (nobody actually cares. They're all busy in their own fucked up lives)

If all is well at the weekend, dont ditch the husband!

How is your elder child at the weekends when you are around?

The suburban dream, for some of us, is a nightmare. I love my husband but our family
is absolutely shocked we are selling up to buy a city flat to raise our kids instead of a McMansion (as we could afford one). The first comment is brilliant — leave the husband, downsize, and try to be present! You only have one life.

My situation is different to yours but I just want to say when I was a kid and my parents got divorced I was so happy. I was about 7 and I knew they didn’t like one another. Two happy parents was better than them both being fucking miserable.

We were very poor so there was no stability, but genuinely my parents getting divorced is one of the key moments I remember as a positive.