Exploding your life

[Implodeitall]

Been reading about the recent trend of 'midlife' women imploding their life. Feels very attractive to me right now, things are grim.

I'm 39, 2 young kids, corporate job, big earner and the main breadwinner, big house which I don't like, husband I don't like. DC having emotional/behavioural issues. Blame myself as I'm so stressed with work I'm never really in the room even when I am. Modern pressures of intensive parenting. Not sure how I ended up here but I want none of it (except the kids, but I want them to be happy). An endless treadmill of crap you can't get off. Has anyone actually escaped this?!

@Implodeitall

I think the way I'd deal with it would be to keep my job (for now) and start divorce proceedings. Get that settled and then decide about your job. You may find that without the stress of him around your job may be easier to deal with. You also may find that you have either more time, or better quality time, with your DC with him gone.

As far as spousal support, I know the thought of it 'stings'. My DS1 is facing the same situation (not in UK). His wife cheated on him and there are no children involved so the thought of possibly having to pay her support is infuriating, but that's what happens in 'no fault' divorce. He has yet to make that decision and the divorce is 'stalled'.

But in the end the question for you (and him) is; Is NOT paying it worth staying in a marriage where you are not happy? Or would you rather have a bit less money and be happy and free. There is really no right or wrong decision with this, it's just a decision you have to make.

ETA: The thought of reducing your earnings to reduce possible support is a valid one. My DS was advised by his lawyer that this would be a bad idea because, if done in a short timeframe before divorce action, a judge could see it as a deliberate move to 'deprive the respondent of support'. So that issue is worth another talk with a solicitor.

The sooner you do it, the less he will get and the more time you have to rebuild your own finances.

This! Life is to too short to be miserable

This... change one thing to start with and everything else may shift so those other things may feel less bad.

The U.K. is overpriced and generally miserable. Late stage capitalism with old norms that don’t work anymore. I’m in the process of extracting myself and family (which makes it much harder due to schools). But honestly this place is unsupportable if you want any standard of living.

I was in this position back in 1999. The turning point was when my 4 yo youngest DC trashed a beloved toy as a deliberate protest about me not being around enough. I quit the corporate job and went freelance. Massive risk and I can’t believe it paid off but it really did. I was soon earning the same as in the corporate job, wfh. Yes, I worked ever bloody hour in the day and night, and overseas holidays were no more, but the kids were happy and thriving so I was too. 15 years later I ditched the loser DH as well.

When he realised I was struggling with my ‘responsibilities’, my darling father told me I must always focus on paddling my own canoe and that’s what I’ve done. It’s not exploding, it’s restructuring to be ou the life that YOU want. Good luck OP.

Where are you going though? Most countries seem the same?

He won’t get spousal support. Highly unlikely. Same changes as no fault divorce here actually meant that couples are encouraged to get on with their own lives without ongoing association

That's a vast generalisation and not my experience of the UK.

Hmmm I think life is more about fine-tuning. When you are constantly aware of things that stress you out and make you miserable, it is worth doing something about them. It took me half a century to sift through all the shit, but I now have a fabulously happy life. Especially by comparison with how it used to be. I'm very glad I didn't just accept that life is inherently shit, although it certainly used to seem that way!

Edited to add: Agree 100% with PPs that going freelance, if you can, is a really good idea.

I’ve never been a high earner but I did have a full-on breakdown and needed to reassess. I took some time out of my sector and worked in hospitality for a while- it helped me recover, before slowly going back into a slightly different part of my area which better suits my skills- alongside setting up a tiny business doing something quite different that lights me up. I’ll caveat by saying that I live in an unconventional home which means I have far lower bills than most, but despite the stress of only-just-enough money, my life is much more enjoyable and there’s actually very little I’d change now.

If you are not sure how you would like your working life to look, can you see a life coach or something to help you think it through? It sounds as if you might be able to save up and wangle some time away from the coalface in order to make some changes, do some training, go freelance, whatever would best suit you and the family life you want. If you’re considering a lower income, make sure you have bought everything you need in advance!!

Maybe the marriage will sort itself out once you feel happier with work. One way or the other, anyway.

Because you're very understandably completely overwhelmed at the moment, I would prioritise some personal counselling just for yourself. Giving yourself that time with a professional would help you identify your feelings, think about what future action you will take, but it can happen in a considered rather than an emotional way.

Because you're the main breadwinner and so high earning, that does present issues if you do divorce but if you're so unhappy then maybe it's a price worth paying. On the other hand, could your marriage be saved with some fundamental changes in the dynamics at home? Another consideration is the effect of a divorce on your unhappy child - would the improved atmosphere at home afterwards be beneficial for him/her or would it add to their distress? So much to consider OP. But unpicking it all with a counsellor would be helpful, I think.

Regarding your job, in your position I would be reluctant to go nuclear and leave, but maybe put out feelers at work as to whether some slight changes in your working hours/availability could be accommodated. I don't think you've said what your profession is, but I do have experience of lawyers/barristers and I know the culture there makes this something very hard to discuss. Only you know what your work culture is, and whether you could find a better work/life balance within your profession.

Regarding the house, you could absolutely downshift I would have thought. For the children to have a bedroom each and a garden you don't need a mansion. A nice three bedroom detached or semi would be fine.

I'm over 70 now - I imploded my life over 30 years ago - of necessity. I realised/discovered some pretty unsavoury things about my husband due to his lying and other behaviours. We had a lovely big home and he had a good job too. I worked in the same area as him, but left work as I had a young child - which was more common then. So I decided to divorce with a three year old, no job and unsure what the future held. It was the best thing I've ever done.

My parents were wholly supportive and helped me so much. I lived with them for a while, then got myself back in the workplace with a good job and rented the cottage next door to them from my brother. My child had security and stability of the whole extended family around but my ex failed totally as a father and bailed out. I met my present husband and he actively parented my child and gave her security and stability. She now has a great husband and family of her own, which gives us great joy.

It's not about me - but I just hope that my story can help you find a way ahead that works for you. It's never easy, that step into the unknown - but sometimes it has to be done. Change can be good if it's approached in the right way - it doesn't have to be implosion. Sincere all good wishes to you.

I bet no one in your house think they're living a dream.

Maybe he wants out, too. Have a conversation.

You've got to change something or you'll implode yourself! It can't be nice for your children watching this. They really do see and feel everything. Do you have any equity in your home? Spend some time going through your finances and see if you can afford to divorce and both move to smaller houses. Can you go part-time or retrain? Get a probably lesser-paid but more spiritually rewarding job? You might be able to be more present in your children's lives that way. 39 is still young, there's a whole future ahead of you.
(Edit - I was divorced at 36 with 3 DC, total career change and far less money. But once over the initial shock was absolutely a positive change. Was hard work to keep the DC feeling safe and secure but that was 17 years ago and they reassure me that some of their happiest memories are in the period after that, once the dust settled)
(I am jealous of my ex's lavish lifestyle, ngl, but mentally, spiritually, I'm in a much better place than him).

@Implodeitall i could of written this it's tempting.

Where you going? I feel exactly the same way. Please do DM if you'd rather.

Can he actually raid your pension if he works full time himself??

Yes it’s a martial asset. She will obviously get the split of his pension too

Do you know why your child is unhappy?

It's 50/50 for divorce. I can't see future earnings being on the table. He'll be encouraged to get on with his own life and make something of it. He may get some spousal maintenance for retraining purposes but it would be a few years max. Or a clean break option.

Yes pensions can go 50/50. It depends on what was made during the marriage. If the pension was started during the marrige then 50% is up for grabs. If not, then only the portion that was earned during the marriage is up for 50/50 split.

divorce is a division of matrimonial assets.

courts look for fairness above all, so that one party isn't unfairly treated and children and their stability are a priority.

I'd sit DH down OP and say that you don't want to carry on like this and present him with a letter from your solicitor. There's no point talking it through it seems as you've asked and asked.

it's sad as he hasn't really thought it through and now he's going to have to. Why is always women bringing it down to the wire? Sad but necessary. Don't implode OP and don't wait. If you wait for perimenopause, you'll be so fucked, it will be nigh on impossible. Get it done now. That's another shitbag waiting for women that no one talks about. I wish I'd done it before mine kicked in.

What’s the point in the letter from the solicitor? That’ll be c£600 and doesn’t mean anything?!

I know it’s really hard to say no to the lifestyle, especially if you see it around you and friends etc have the same. I have always been a pretty ambitious person and grew up with well off (but not wealthy) parents. Fortunately they both modeled that family was more important than money but I still find it hard to accept that what I want my life to look like isn’t compatible with being really ambitious in my career.

For us, the biggest trade off is our house. We have a big enough house in a very good neighborhood, with the best set of state schools in our city (live abroad). But we don’t have much of a garden and in some ways, the shape of our house really doesn’t suit us as a family.

About a year ago I took a job earning similar to you (DH earns around £130k/year so our total household income this year will be around £320k) with a view that we would probably try and move. BUT, I feel like I’m on a treadmill
all the time. I have no time for my hobbies without sacrificing time with DC and I am short tempered and tired. I was fortunate for the first 7 years of DC life to work for a truly family first company where I was able to excel professionally AND basically be a stay at home parent. But there are limited opportunities for development and pay is pretty stagnant (around £110k/year). I think if I’d never had that, I might’ve just accepted the treadmill life and decided the money was worth it. But I can’t unsee the other life and even though I am still coming to terms with letting go of ambition to a large extent, I DO NOT want the treadmill life.

All that to say, make a plan for what life off the treadmill would look like and whether you can come to terms with letting go. For me, it’s absolutely worth it but I know it’s really hard.

We came from a poor home, shred rooms learnt about compromise - was cold learnt about resilience - did have space - we went to the park

Your kids need you - a present mother and of that means working 4 days a week an downsizing then do it -

When conversations don't work you bring in outside counsel to prove you mean business. It's money well spent in that it's a kick up the arse. It's a final chance if she wants to give him one. It shows she's spent the money and is ready to start the process. Or she could just file for divorce. Either way, she'll need a solicitor.

I don’t really understand what it could do- a person with any intelligence knows solicitors letters don’t “mean” anything- and OP is a solicitor herself so presumably her husband is more aware of this than most 😆

may as well just spend 20 mins on gov.uk filing the divorce. if he wants to change you get 20 weeks cooling off anyway and at least that’s money well spent.