Exploding your life

[Implodeitall]

Been reading about the recent trend of 'midlife' women imploding their life. Feels very attractive to me right now, things are grim.

I'm 39, 2 young kids, corporate job, big earner and the main breadwinner, big house which I don't like, husband I don't like. DC having emotional/behavioural issues. Blame myself as I'm so stressed with work I'm never really in the room even when I am. Modern pressures of intensive parenting. Not sure how I ended up here but I want none of it (except the kids, but I want them to be happy). An endless treadmill of crap you can't get off. Has anyone actually escaped this?!

With respect, I don't think she's trying to impress anyone.
Apart from having two kids, one with issues, she's carrying a dead weight of an adult man in a big house she doesn't like.
I would also like to live in a smaller place, but circumstances are vastly different.
Having a high pressure job, dependants and a passenger of a husband isn't impressive, it must be soul destroying (especially the husband).
This was in reply to a post that has probably been deleted, ha.

Ok so there you have it.

Your number 1 priority.

A parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child.

A big house, garden, and a room of your own is nice and all - but not at the expense of your happiness and peace of mind. That’s not a good trade off.

Your children wouldn’t want you to be miserable just so they have more room to play.

As for the people who might think you are ‘selfish’ for wanting to change and improve things, who are these people? Do they actually know how much pressure you are under to keep all this going?

Just ignore them, they are not living your life.

@TheHouse is pretty known on other threads for being… interesting. Just got to pity her kids. Imagine coming to your mum with this situation and her response being “oh stop being so indulgent you fool”

I'm so stressed with work I'm never really in the room even when I am

Can you focus on changing this? I used to be in your shoes. If there is one thing I regret - I’m in my 70s now - it is the fact that I didn’t reduce my workload and prioritise my children sooner.

@Walksspecial

??

I would tell my daughter to prioritise her kids, get rid of her lump of a husband and stop prioritising appearances over substance.

Ha, ha, my DM would probably say that. I was telling her about someone passing and their daughter being upset and she said "get over it". She is very old tho but that's an aside...

Don't live your life for other people's opinions. The one thing I'm finding out now everyone is older is that they actually didn't pay that much attention and now make most of it up, as they didn't take it in at the time.

Your problem here is the uncertainty about what decision to make, it's tiring you out. Once you have a plan, even if it takes ages to implement, things will be easier.

The longer you keep him, the more of your pension he will be entitled to. See a financial planner as part of your planning.

Nor me.

if you don't like your husband - then sort out splitting.

If you don't like your job - then just resign.

No imploding needed.

I think the standard reply to 'Living the Dream' is 'Whose dream?' If it's yours, all well and good. If it is your parents', in-laws', neighbours' etc, you have no duty whatsoever to keep ploughing on joylessly.

But...I am always massively wary of people who advise divorce and giving up well-paid work. Being a single parent is very stressful. Fighting over divorce settlements and custody creates the ugliest monsters of people (usually men) who used to be so sane, from what I have witnessed among friends. The worst stress they have ever experienced was their divorces. And do not kid yourself that badly paid jobs are less stressful. You'd still have exhaustion and responsibility but a tiny paycheck at the end, so the added stress of the cost of living. Again, I know so many women - and some men - who did this and are baffled that life didn't become stress-free or shorter hours overnight when they stopped being bankers and became teachers or school administrators.

If you can downsize or move to a cheaper area you could free up some money and also there could be a lot less keeping up with the Joneses in a cheaper area, which might ease some pressure.

Children are happier when they feel their parents are happy and relaxed. Spending time just chilling with them creates this mood - just go for family cycle rides at weekends. Make popcorn and pizzas and watch funny family films. Play cards or bananagrams for half an hour after dinner.

Work won't sack you overnight if you totally switch off and focus on your children when you are at home. Try ditching the work stress when you get home. Do enough work not to lose your job but not so much work that you have no energy left for your children.

But you say in your first sentence that you’ve been reading about the trend of midlife women imploding [sic] their lives so why are you asking women here if they’ve escaped the treadmill (self created) if you already have proof that it’s a thing (never heard of it myself, clearly made up by SM and now perpetuated here)?

You are lucky you are in a position where you have choices . A big home is not everything in my opinion a small happy home is far superior.

These things surely exist but in less expensive houses?

But also what good is a garden if you are all miserable?

It's a chat forum?

Think/hope: in all situations I know, the husband has quickly become very very nasty when the wife ends it. He may turn into someone you don’t recognise when you file for divorce so best to uncross your fingers and prepare for acrimony, and prepare to come away with far less than you think/hope you’re entitled to.

Well, I'd think about selling the house & giving him his 50% share of the equity. I'd pay for a good lawyer to ensure he agrees not to go for spousal maintenance or your pension in return for paying you no maintenance for the children (my best friend did similar so he wouldn't touch an inheritance).

What grounds does he have for maintenance? Does he do the lion's share of childcare or housework? Could he claim your career has meant he couldn't progress in his? Honestly, get a good lawyer & start looking for a house YOU love that your children could be happy in. If your DS might he happier in another school, perhaps a new area is something to consider?

Why are you wasting time arguing the toss.

You have your number 1 priority… your child. Focus on them and addressing what sounds like a spiralling situation

Thanks. He has no grounds for spousal maintenance other than he may not be able to pay the mortgage or rent on a property which could also house the DC. I have spoken to a solicitor before who said this was an outside possibility.

Could you manage better if you went 50/50 with the children?

Well, get a decent, recommended lawyer, & state your clear, fair case to DH through the lawyer. If he couldn't pay a mortgage he needs to get a better job. A 2 bedroomed flat or house is fine for the kids at the moment when they're little, especially if they'll perhaps only be there 2 nights a week.

Do you think he'll go for 50/50? Again, I was lucky that I had a decent ex who realised that the children needed consistency to be at home with one parent most of the time. They were with him a Wed & Sat night, & all day Sunday. He'd also pop in one night to take them to sport training & a cafe treat afterwards. It worked well. Try & push for similar.

Downsize, cut your outgoings then reduce your hours and enjoy life with your DC. We only get one life and the parenting period is over quickly. Life feels relentless working FT with DC. There isn't the time to be completely present and provide all the emotional and practical support they need. I thought I was doing it, then covid hit and I realised how much my DC were struggling and how much the family had drifted apart. I'm part time now, driving a 10 year old banger, doing caravan holidays wearing cheap clothes. I wouldn't change it. No salary I was offered would have me back to the grind of 10+ hours out of the house 5 days a week, being so mentally drained I can't be present for my family.

I did it mid 50s and couple of years ago. Takes guts but I've never been happier. And the kids are all completely fine.

Yep doing it- getting divorced, might have to keep the house I hate though.

not touching the job security and financial independence and freedom are too important.

Btw unless you tell us you do in fact, earn £400k he isn’t getting spousal maintenance. It’s rare now, a clean break is always preferred and he can support himself.

How long did it take to 'heal' from a family perspective if you don't mind me asking?

No, but I do earn about half that and not in London. Hence the solicitor said there was an outside chance and definitely possibility of a pensions raid!