Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

It sounds like you already are

This. It seems very odd going to court about coercive control when this person is coercively controlling you. Such people work very hard to get allies and it strongly suggests the person being taken to court is the victim.

The info about her being off work so long and the probation situation meaning her home and work situation could go pears is a real sign that this will get worse. You must talk to HR and refuse to be the contact point for her any more. Too many lines have been crossed and you're allowed to say how uncomfortable it's making you, especially given your history with the stalker. Your work need to look out for you as well as her - even more than her really, given that you're the one who goes to work and has gone above and beyond.

Now you need to pull back massively. I like that long message someone suggested upthread but think it's likely to cause more problems than solve them at this point, so I'd be more sparing and direct - just say no you're too busy when she wants more contact and if she oversteps at all, in any comments or actions, use that as an opportunity to draw a line. Say those words from the message - when I said I didn't want to see anyone, that included you. I didn't want flowers, I wanted space. Assert and centre yourself and don't let her manipulate you or your daughter. This has gone too far and she's not a good friend. Or colleague.

I’ve read all your updates, but not every post from others, so this might have already been said, but I’d be careful about your DD - it sounds like she might try to use a relationship with your DD to keep you involved. Highly manipulative. I’m sorry - it’s horrible having to enforce boundaries. And I’m very sympathetic to the struggles of MH and neurodivergence- I suffer myself, but behaviour has to be separated from health struggles. MH/ADHD isn’t an excuse for her behaviour - which is so, so entitled.

Hi. Thank you all for your helpful feedback. I’ve read, and appreciate, each comment.

I had to name change as someone called godmum came onto the thread asking me to stop! Was pretty freaked out by the name under the circumstances.

And I agree, neurodivergence is not an excuse here. I work within that field and have personal experience too.

I could not stay friends with her.
too intense

Please be very firm with HR that this arrangement can no longer continue as of Monday 30th March. This is not within your job role and is making your personal life very difficult - time you are not even paid for I might add. They don't get to have any say or control of how you spend time in your personal life nor can they add tasks to your job description that are not with in your remit.
HR are at risk of facing some claim from you for lack of safeguaring boundaries and stress related illness. If you start telling them this they may suddenly start listening. Of course they are going to push back, they want an easy life and who easier to maniuplte than a woman in their employ who can't say no.

This 'be kind' mantra that fells women everywhere whatever the huge cost to themselves is so insideous and manipulative. Not prostrating yourself before the altar of 'be kind' does not automatically mean you are being 'unkind - oh the horror and dread of being seen as 'unkind'. It's a manipulators paradise and the prefect pathway to ill health.
I would also be very wary of the web she is weaving round your daughter.
And don't forget, setting firm boundaries and saying no is a great example to your daughter too. You don't want her continuing to learn that she must 'be kind' at whatever cost to her own well being.

That's way too long and faffy. Better would be "Stop contacting me. We are not friends"

They posted on the thread or on? Did you report?

To reassure you, @Swingsandroundabouts8 its me. You can ask @Mumsnet to check my credentials, its an unfortunate coincidence and I am really not a stalker. What I was saying "stop this" to was your struggle to divest yourself of your problem person. You seemed to be getting into a vortex of "I can't do that because this" when offered advice.

I appreciate I need to be firm with her now. My daughter has ADHD and doesn’t touch her phone for weeks at a time, so this person doesn’t have her number or anything.

I can say no, but this person is extremely persistent and is also a colleague. I think she befriended me and the other colleague initially because we are quite friendly and open types.

I will extract myself from the responsibility at work. If it comes to court, I can only report what I saw and observed at the time, without emotion.

We are slightly vulnerable as a single-parent family but my feelers were out quite early on. This was the first time I had a chance to think clearly (highly demanding full-time job and 100% custody) and put all of the pieces of the jigsaw together.

Be aware that when you cut her off (because you need to) she WILL react. And the reaction might end up being violent. When people with mental health issues like she has are rejected in some way, they almost ALWAYS lash out. This might take the form of incessant phone calls, messaging, which will escalate when you don't respond. It is important that you do not respond no matter what. She might try to contact you via other people, creating a situation that makes YOU look like the problem, when it's 100% her.

In extreme cases when you don't respond she might well resort to violence, self harm etc. Again, responding to her is what she wants.

You need to speak to your boss and let them handle the work side of things. You should also be prepared to speak to the police, because when people like her escalate, it always ends up with police involvement one way or another.

Single White Female as a film is actually a pretty good representation of what trauma driven BPD looks like. More recently, the series The Lady about Jane Andrews (Sarah Ferguson's aide) is also a good representation of what BPD looks like.

You need to nip this in the bud NOW, before it turns into something far worse.

That won't help. It will make the person want to understand and will intensify everything. Clear, unemotional facts are helpful and then the OP can say 'in my message on 29/03/2026 I told you this.' or 'I told you I didn't want you to come with flowers.' or 'I told you I can't come to your ADHD appointment in March.'

Don’t worry, I’ve seen godmum56 around on here for years. The name is just a coincidence and not linked to your ‘friend’.

Is she Eastern European?
from my personal experience I have found them to be quite full on. Some . Not all!

You need to be very blunt with HR - you will no longer be the conduit it’s impacting your wellbeing.

Grown a backbone, tell her to stop contacting you. Be an example to your daughter.

The person who full Baby Reindeer with
me was someone I’ve known since we were old enough to talk.
Turned into a nightmare.
And absolutely Caucasian. Both of us.

I also strongly warn against sending this message. HR, police and neighbours need to informed in advance of any such moves.

Edited to add “also”. I’m in complete agreement with the quoted post.

I do have a backbone and am an extremely good role model to my daughter. Everyone is carrying something and yes, I do tend to be open and trusting where I shouldn’t be. Still working on it. I’m not naive at all. It’s her who is at fault here.

It’s only over time I have realised just how damaged this person is and now I’ve thought about it calmly, she no longer gets access to us.

She is British, with some Mediterranean heritage.

OP just wanted to say well done for doing the work you are doing now, to work out what to do next and for recognising enough is enough.

OP I felt a crushing feeling in my heart reading your posts. I too had one 'friend' like this and she was just overpowering, overbearing and exhausting. I dont know nor care if she is ND herself as I am Audhd and I am not a stalker but this one was relentless, calling me or messaging all the time if I said I was busy she would sneer and mention my other friends. Arrived late one night in a taxi to 'give me a hug' as I had replied to her I had been exhausted having done a 12 hour shift at work before coming home and parenting my kids fully alone as I have no partner so she arrived at 11pm as I had just falled into bed and it was the last straw for me. She was using me as she hated being alone and in her own home but I just could not cope with her level of intensity and I was not happy with her commenting on my other friends etc either. Took about 6 months for her to fuck off and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel for you I really do.

But then the dialogue will continue? Honestly from my experience, the only best way is to shut it down and not keep responding.

OP, as I mentioned earlier, I was in a similar situation. I lost my job because I didn’t have the strength to fight the accusations that landed as a result of trying to establish boundaries. I simply resigned.

It seems some posters are failing to understand how difficult and scary this can be, or the repercussions that might result from trying to untangle yourself.

When someone with a personality disorder feels rejected, there are no limits to what they will go to, just to hurt you back. And I have a feeling they deliberately target those of us who are kind and trusting by default. The usual approach of politely explaining boundaries and need for space will only result in perceived threat, leading to irrational and possibly dangerous action.

Do you have experience with personality disorders? Or just pushy friends? These scenarios are very different and you don’t seem to comprehend that.