Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

Turned up at the scout camp? that’s incredibly odd.
Use your voice, tell her she needs to step back as you have a lot going on and need a breather, if she cuts you off, be glad.

She sounds bizarre-I don’t think I’d want to spend any of my time with her.

She often frames things as being kind, which makes it harder to push back. For example, if I say I’m tired or not up for seeing anyone, she will sometimes turn up with flowers or drop things round. It sounds nice, but it means my “no” doesn’t really get respected in practice and I end up feeling quite uncomfortable and a bit trapped into letting her in.

How on earth did you know you were at the Scout Camp or where it was even?

The cup of tea analogy might be useful here.

You need to be firmer. . If she turns up at the door unannounced, don’t be polite. Just say it’s not convenient for her to come in for coffee etc and refuse entry, or if she has got inside, don’t put the kettle on. Again, explain that you have stuff to do and haven’t got time to socialise etc . And walk towards the door.

If it comes to a fallout, then so be it. It happens. You don’t need to pussyfoot around.

And the campsite is creepy.

Just accept the flowers the door, and then make your excuses and close the door. She’s being manipulative.

It’s where we go every week for Scouts and she knew that as I’d mentioned it before. I’d also once met her nearby for a drink during a meeting, so she knew the general location and timing.

She essentially worked out I’d be there and turned up in the dark with flowers because I’d said no to meeting up because I needed space and wasn’t feeling myself.

I had an ex friend like this i hated it she seem to have so much time and energy and seemed to use me to fill it. Im the opposite I have no energy and like alone time. It was like she was completely incapable of being alone ever. I just started taking longer between replying to messages, stopped answering calls and if she turned up I wouldn't let her in.

So she’s not respecting your boundaries. Getting more creepy with each post.

I would delight in not having this relationship anymore, no fallout needed.

It takes two to argue, so if you don't allow her in your house etc. and she starts whingeing just don't engage. Say 'ok' and continue your day.
Mute and archive her messages and check them at your convenience.

look up BPD and the favourite person concept…

I don't think its that i have eupd and its really not as op is describing

Eeew horribly needy and self centered. I can say this because I was a bit like this when i was a clueless self centred and very needy young adult. It's all about her, but also very manipulative.

I think saying plainly "I really don't have the energy/time/headspace to make plans with you and I would really prefer it if you didn't call round like this is probably the only way to get the message across..And kinder really than a)resenting her and b)giving her no pointers to being less annoying going forward, if you don't say anything

Have you seen Single White Female?

Thank you, that’s helpful. I think you’re right that I need to be more consistent rather than over-explaining. I’ve probably been too accommodating because she frames things as being kind (e.g. turning up with flowers), but I can see that it still overrides a “no”.

She’s also very focused on my teen daughter, which I’m starting to find a bit intense. She asks after her a lot and has made comments suggesting my long-standing friends don’t really prioritise her (which isn’t at all true). My daughter is very fond of her (as she is fun and easy company when we are around her) and has even mentioned things like wanting her as a godmother, which I think reflects how much attention she gives her.

My friend said things like she’d step in for my daughter if anything ever happened to me. I’m not suggesting anything sinister, but it does add to the sense that she’s trying to position herself in the centre of our lives, which I’m not comfortable with. I was very cagey in my response to her query about that, and she then said that my parents (who are very involved) are “too old”. I have backed off massively ever since as we are a tight unit and don’t need this. I’ve explained all of this to my daughter too.

It sounds like she is doing to you what was done to her? Perhaps she only knows how to bond in this way now. I would pull right back.

It really is best to fall out with her - her need for you doesn’t top your need for privacy and autonomy. Bringing you flowers is manipulative - I’d tell her she’s too much and you’d like some space. It won’t end well whatever you do so let her go now.

Bloody hell your last update is creepy as heck.

This is a person who simply wont respect your boundaries so the only thing you can do is cut her off. Her behaviour is coming across as very disturbing to me and I wouldnt be continuing a friendship with someone who made me feel so entirely uncomfortable.

I agree with PP that she's aping learned behaviour – she's subconsciously trying to exert control over you and your DD. While I'm sure she means no harm, what she's doing IS harmful, because it's causing you stress that your boundaries are being ignored.

How do you think she'd react to you telling her that she's coming on too strong and it's making you want to pull away?

Reading your update, I'd also be telling her very firmly that you already have guardians in place should the need arise and refuse to discuss it further.

There’s also a bit of overlap with work where I’ve been nominated a point of contact, which probably hasn’t helped the boundaries. She’s currently off work and things are unsettled for her, so I can see how that might contribute to the intensity, but equally it’s starting to feel too much for me.

I think the main takeaway is that I need to be much clearer and more consistent; less availability, slower responses, and not letting her in if she turns up unannounced, rather than over-explaining or trying to manage it gently.

Learn to only let her in if the visit was planned and you agreed to it. Never allow he into your home otherwise.
Find ways to politely shut the door.

Thanks for that, you needn't have worried about it and driven out of your way. I'm off to an medical appointment, Bye.

Oh hello, this is bad timing. Sorry but I'm not up for guests. Bye.

Did you try to call me? I'm having a quiet rest day today, sorry.

Stop sharing information with the person. How does she find out about our child's camp?

Yes, you definitely need to back off now. This manipulation of your daughter is not good. Sounds like she has severe MH issues but not your problem and obviously this is impacting on your life. Just silently and kindly back off.