Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

She can also be negative about other people in my life (including colleagues), which adds to the feeling that she doesn’t really respect my existing relationships.

I have not introduced my long-term friends to her, as I picked up quite early on that they would find her strange and I also realised that she would pick fault with them (which would be hard to do as they're all friendly, fun, responsible adults).

She started rolling her eyes if I mentioned them. I very naturally shared a joke one of them made recently and she said it was all highly inappropriate. My oldest and most trusted friend asked for my daughter’s chest measurement for a birthday gift of a t-shirt. I was with this colleague/friend at the time and she expressed that it was incredibly distasteful to ask. This is a friend who held my child at days old. My daughter was more than happy to share the measurement.

Yep, definitely back off and cut her off. She sounds quite manipulative, trying to come between you and your friend who has known your daughter from a few days old....well, that's just horrid.

This person is trying to manipulate and control you.

There is no way this is ever going to morph into a healthy friendship- she’s literally trying to turn you against your own friends.

This person is poison. Cut her out.

She sounds like a stalker to be honest. As PPs have said, don’t let her in even if she turns with flowers. Ideally don’t even answer the door but if you do say
something very short like “Sorry, Betty, I’m too busy for a chat/on a call/about to have a nap/going out in 5 minutes. Bye!” Then shut the door.

Don’t reply to the WhatsApp or text messages. I have a stalker who finally seems to be giving up. I did block him but when I did that he turned up at my house. What worked better was to put all his WhatApp message on mute so I don’t even get a notification. I have 189 unread messages from him but I have not had any in the last 3 weeks which is a
first.

This might be helpful:

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Agree- this isn’t healthy and she’s already gone for my friends and my parents.

I don’t want to cause her a huge crisis (and we still technically work together in a very forward-facing job). I’m guessing that she only knows how to be full on. She seems to be extremely jealous.

We have another mutual friend who has been her no1 support person. She has told her that if she is too busy to see her, she will just turn up at her house. She has also started to criticise this person’s partner to me, which is ringing alarm bells within the full context of this situation.

Unfortunately, I had a stalker for ten years- an ex partner. I really can’t go through it again.

I have complex PTSD. In some ways severe trauma can lead to the appearance of having autism. I can struggle with knowing when people are 'being nice/polite' and when they actually mean something. E.g. if I popped around to a friend's house to drop something off and they invited me in I would assume it was rude not to go in, even if I found it inconvenient as I didn't really have time. It's only fairly recently I realised maybe they didn't actually want me to come in.

Do set clear boundaries, they don't need to wrapped up in an excuse/reason. I would totally understand that. I too would probably give you a gift if i thought you were struggling (although would leave it on your doorstep as would worry about intruding if you had said you werent well). It's just a way of trying to show people I care. I'm not sure how else to do that as I have never had a good relationship modeled to me.

But be very careful of just suddenly cutting all ties without any explanation as some posters appear to be suggesting. I would really really struggle with that. And if she has adhd which can include rejection sensitivity it could be catastrophic to her. That isn't to say if you want to end the friendship you can't, just at least explain why in a gentle way.

@Yohoho3 I didn't realise you work together! That's a whole different ball game. Can you report her to HR?

Without outing us, we work in a field- especially me- where an understanding of neurodivergence is essential and I have family members with Autism and ADHD. At first, that’s exactly what I thought; well intentioned, a bit intense, damaged and also potentially neurodivergent.

I think her determination and vehement criticism of others has led me down a different path in terms of my thought process. I do want to be kind.

What would she say if you stopped her mid-criticism and said 'please don't talk about my friends/parents like that'?

That’s a good point. I think she’d likely brush it off or continue, and I haven’t been very direct in the moment (I’ve just changed the subject whilst pulling a “yikes” face). I can see that I need to be clearer and not just let things pass.

You definitely need to be more assertive. Tbh I wouldn't be friends with someone this intense.

I take it she doesn't have dcs?

I have bipolar and when I’m in a manic phase or off my meds I have been known to do this. You need to be very firm. Managing her mental health is far outside the remit of friendship.

I think your experience has colored your view somewhat and made you feel a bit conflicted and that's understandable. But she's been quite unkind and manipulative and you need to take a more realistic approach and diss the kind approach for your own sake. It's obviously not doing you any good.

I can see that its impulsivity to an extent- in her head-buy flowers, drive somewhere and surprise them= lovely friend.

She said that her doctor says that I need to attend her ADHD appointment (as I filled out some paperwork last Autumn and I took her until now to complete hers). I know this not to be true really but equally wouldn’t want to stand in her way of getting the right treatment and support.

Work still want me to be the “conduit” even though I’ve expressed some reservations to HR…

You might be right and I think that me posting this is part of that process- finding out if I’m thinking on the right lines.

Maybe I’m just burned from some bad experience with people in the past but she would have gotten a firm “fuck off you nutter” when she turned up at scout camp. Sounds like you’ve already set boundaries and told her you don’t like people just showing up, and she didn’t listen.

Some people are fucking crazy and it can often be hard to tell at first, but to me this woman is showing signs of being one of them. Taking pity on these people will only be detrimental to you. MH services and their immediate family should deal with them.

@Yohoho3 why would work want you to be the conduit? Surely, that's not in your remit if she has MH issues?

She doesn’t have any children or supportive immediate family. She is quite isolated and unfortunately also lives amongst colleagues. She doesn’t like any of them for various reasons to do with heavy feet on stairs, parking etc.

The colleagues are wary of upsetting her and don’t know her well. They just know she is signed off work due to something awful happening over a long period.

It is not really! I don’t even work in MH!

I think they nominated me because we were seen as friends before she went off on sick leave.

I know it seems mean but it really isn’t your job to deal with this. Especially not the ADHD appointment. I would maybe do it for a life long friend, but with life long friendships or long term ones there’s give and take and built up reciprocal trust that comes over years. Anyone who tries to jump that barrier and get straight in at the deep end is almost always bad news, intentional or not.

They nominated you and you agreed? Even if you did, can't you disagree now? Sounds very odd to have this arrangement in a workplace tbh and very suspect . I have never heard of this?!?

You need to tell work you can no longer support her and take a huge step back. If she turns up at your door, you reiterate that you said you didn’t want to see anyone and don’t let her in. You need seriously strong boundaries with this woman.

I think this is one of those situations when you’ve been nice to her, become her friend, and now she’s abusing that situation. She’s (mis-) interpreted the situation, viewing you as her best friend, rather than a work-place colleague. It’s probably happened gradually, but something (scout camp incident, comments etc,) has made you aware of what’s happening, and you’ve realised you’ve to redress the balance.

The nonsense about the ADHD appointments is an absolute fiction. I work in the field. Nip this in the bud. You’ve gone above and beyond already, filling in the friends and family forms. That’s the end of it.

The stuff about the conduit / contact person with work - really massively inappropriate of work to put you in this position. Sounds really bizarre. I can’t imagine what kind of sector you work in where that would be HR policy.
You simply must push-back. Ask to speak to your manager and tell them you need to end this arrangement. You don’t need to go into details why - unless its part of your job description you can just say you’re unable to take on this additional unpaid duty right now for various reasons and need to step back. I doubt work would be hugely surprised tbh - reading between the lines she’s probably got quite a reputation at work and is probably off due to some form of grievance or has made bullying allegations because her interpersonal skills land her in hot water. Get the conversation in writing that you’re no longer willing to be in role of conduit.

Then tell this woman you are going to step back from her. You don’t owe anyone a reason / apology but if you’re like me you probably feel dreadful with this sort of thing & will want to smoothe things to avoid conflict / hurt feelings… so maybe say you want to take a step back from so much contact because you’ve other priorities and need some space?

Avoid using the words “I need to step back” as her mind will interpret this as you being reluctant to but having to due to circumstance (so she’ll start trying to ‘help’ with your circumstances to free you up for friendship).
Instead, try using “I want to step back” as this conveys simply that it’s your desire/preference to- and there’s nothing she can do about that!

Good luck.