Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

Yes! Sounds incredibly similar! Acts as if time spent “being Mum” or doing any other activity is a real problem, and really frustrating as it draws me away from her.

I’ve explained to her that I LIKE and CHOOSE to lead the life I do and it isn’t sad that I have to do things, even when times are tough. I’m also so sorry to hear about the other PP who left their job over something like this.

Two things can be true at the same time. I can be kind but also a strong woman. She can be unwell and neurodivergent. I genuinely think this is her poor mental health leading her to behave this way, but she needs professionals to help her, not me.

No, it does NOT sound like ADHD at all.

So is her partner sent off to the spare room while this colleague takes his spot?!

Surely she will fail her probation if she has been off sick for 6 months!

If you are not careful she will end up living with you. Friends sharing a bed so she feels "safe"? She is an absolute nutter and is probably going to end up an in-patient.

Hopefully if she loses the job accommodation the dogs will have to be re-homed as it doesn't sound like she looks after them properly.

I agree tell your job this role isn't working for you and pull way way back. I don't think I'd want anything to do with her to be honest. A weird, needy, negative person telling me she will look after my kids if I die - no she needs professional help.

She is single, no children.

I don’t know if she will be coming back to work. If she does, she will have to complete probation, which I think they made indefinite.

Her dogs are gorgeous in temperament (by some miracle) and they have raw food, fancy accessories and lots of toys. They haven’t been toilet trained (though one shows slight willing) and don’t want to go outside in the garden when she does open the patio doors, as it is so foreign to them.

They love walks but don’t get out much more than weekly, let alone daily, as she sleeps on the sofa with them during the day and they are in her bed at night. They have been done and the vet sees them a lot-possibly too often as she can be anxious about their health. They’re both about 18 months now. They seem to be emotional crutches.

When someone with a personality disorder feels rejected, there are no limits to what they will go to, just to hurt you back. And I have a feeling they deliberately target those of us who are kind and trusting by default. The usual approach of politely explaining boundaries and need for space will only result in perceived threat, leading to irrational and possibly dangerous action.
and things like this are the reason I hate the bleating of “be kind!! You don’t know the mh problems someone has” which somehow has turned into, you must accept being bullied and railroaded into things, and you must put others wants and demands above you!

This is exactly my feeling too. You must protect yourself. 💐

The other reason I don’t think she will return to work is that she is on SSP but is running a business on the side. Very similar work to our job.

I don’t want to know this or be involved in any way as it is a huge conflict of interests and would also be a case for HMRC.

Heads up, you’re posting under a different username now so your posts aren’t highlighted.

Most Eastern Europeans are Caucasian?

I appreciate all this advice might feel a little overwhelming.

So in the spirit of doing one thing at a time… can you email HR now to book an appointment to see them?

Yes two things can be true at once - she can be mentally unwell and a wrong ‘un.

Her MH might even explain her behaviours but it NEVER excuses it. No one gets a free pass to exploit, harass, stalk others.

What’s your plan of action now?

Get rid of this emotionally sponging using parasite, please. You are more than entitled to draw boundaries. I just read all of your posts and actually feel a bit sick, panicked and violated on your behalf.

I think you have a responsibility to mention this to HR - would there be any safeguarding concerns? Also is there anyway this could put you at risk - did you give any advice - even knowing and not reporting is that something you are accountable for?

This isn’t supposed to be possible anymore.

This and as pp have said this is how she will get her “revenge “ for you no longer playing her game to her rules…. “Oh but I told @Yohoho3 ?? I’m only new…. She knows am doing this, surely it is wrong she would have said! She must have wanted me to get into trouble! She’s actually bullying me…”

You are doing great. Can you get all your physical and emotional safeguards in place first (info from stalking charities, police and HR) BEFORE you become firm with her. This could escalate quickly - that’s why you need all the offical / authorities ready to go. This is far too big for you. You need a calm plan that doesn’t trigger her and you need to get professional expert advice on this as there are very predictable behaviours which can be mitigated.

I have learned not to conflate intensity with intimacy in friendships. In the past I have been triggered to rescue, people please, care give out of pity - but if I stepped back would have seen that I was actually a ‘useful idiot’ a cog in their big machine of destruction being used that I was unable to see.

I met someone similar recently and had the same impulse to help and dive in to their victim narrative. I bit my tongue and sat on my hands and they soon moved on to someone else. I did attend a small gathering she held for her birthday and beyond her immediate family there were no friends apart from myself (only recently acquainted) and another young woman who looked niave and out of her depth.

I think you should come totally clean to HR about what she is doing and what you even think she may be doing.
Then tell her your mental health is not good at the moment and you need some space so you will only be seeing family and old friends and you will contact her when you feel you want to see her again but in the meantime please do not contact you or call round.
If she does, tell her it is harassment and if it happens again you will contact the police.

Godmum is a regular poster on here, if that helps?

What part of this sounds like ADHD? It sounds nothing like it to me

Well that alone is fraudulent on her part.
Seek professional help before you act & explain all to your daughter

Yes, this is true. I have heard that in terms of "I am autistic" Vs "I have autism". I have never heard "I am ADHD/attention deficit hyperactivity disorder" though.

the former. I used to meet them working in the NHS. I lived where I worked and where the people I actually had problems with lived. I took counsel from the people who were specialist in helping them to managing their community lives.

After reading and thinking about all the replies I would urge the OP to raise her concerns in writing with HR and have a meeting (that is minuted) with HR and to do this before laying down boundaries with her colleague.

It's very concerning to read that people have been accused of improper conduct when trying to distance themselves from people like this and I can see how this could happen to OP. Get in first OP and let HR know you are afraid of what this person might do if you withdraw including lashing out with accusations - after all she is already taking someone to court.

Some people have suggested she needs a new colleague mentor. I don't think anyone else should be put in this position and work should keep things very formal/in writing from now on.

We tend to reach very quickly for the 'manipulative' or 'coercive' labels.

If OP does not communicate that she doesn't want to meet this friend clearly, this friend turning up on their front door is not manipulative. They simply have poor boundaries.

If OP then let's this friend into her house and spends the evening with her when she would rather not have guests, OP has consented to the social event contemporaneously. She may regret having done so, but it was not a non-consensual event.

If OP shares with this friend that she goes to a specific place every weekend at a specific time, this friend turns up unannounced, and OP spends time with her when OP would rather not see anyone not related to the hobby activity at that time but has not told this friend that, that is not an example or monitoring nor coercive. It is poor form.

OP needs to use her words.