Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

I am so sorry that you endured this.

I would have a think about all of the other friends she has fallen out with, I would look closely at her words and her actions to spot a pattern of behaviour - and then I would assume this is going to happen to you once she ‘paints you black’ - her anger and revenge will erupt.

I would get ahead of her right now as others have said - get something in writing to work to express your concerns and remove the conduit role. Get security every where (dash cam, Ring door bell, an alert on your gate that pings on your phone) - I would read up on stalking and also log with police your concerns as she might have history.

Decide on some firm clear boundaries and ensure that they are actionable and effective by stating using calm direct words (no excuses, justifications, defending your reasons) as well as a deadline and a consequence.

Your DD needs a calm focused parent at this time so you need to get ahead of her and know that even if she is mentally unwell she can also be a wrong ‘un who is highly manipulative and could cause you and you family a lot of stress. I would think back on all interacts and behaviours with a different mindset to more accurately assess the risk.

Once your boundaries are in place I would expect her to kick off - there will be an invented crisis that she needs your urgent help for - she will threaten suicide - know that all of this is a deep manipulation and if she is really in these difficult states it’s way above your skill level and it would inadvertently be negligent to not direct her to professionals or call 999 for a welfare check.

It seems you have been a good friend but she is pushing thru to meet her own needs. Your gut reaction is accurate pay attention to it.

No idea. She cut herself off from everyone in our circle. I hope she's happier now because she could be lovely.

I wonder if the ex partner might relay events in an entirely different way to her. As others have said, tell work immediately about her behaviour or you could be the next person she is taking to court. Get a proper lock system for your gate. Stop replying to her messages and see how she reacts.

And don't mention your dd's GCSEs too much. This weirdo stalker might fixate on it and try undermine her exams.

@Yohoho3 I think you need to send this message. It needs to be a message so she can read it over and over again, and she can't change what you say to suit her narrative:

"Hi Sally. Recently I've noticed that we aren't communicating well. I think I'm being clear about something but your responses are showing me that I'm not being clear enough.

I sometimes say that I don't want to meet because I need time to myself or I'm run down. You often bring me gifts or flowers to make me feel better. However, I'm not asking you to do that. I'm asking you to give me space, which means not contacting me, and not visiting me.

I have told you that I don't like people turning up unannounced. I think perhaps you think we're close enough that you are an exception to that, because you have still been turning up unannounced. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it. Please do not come to my house unless I actively invite you to come.

I've noticed that you don't think certain people in my life are a positive influence. I understand that we all think differently, but it isn't helpful to me and I need you to keep those thoughts to yourself.

I know you're disappointed that I can't come to your ADHD appointment but I don't want to involve myself in your medical situations. I helped with the form but I can't do more than that. Please don't ask me again.

Finally, I need to say that I can't message as frequently as I have been. I am just too busy and it takes too much of my time. I'll check my phone from time to time but I can't always reply.

I know this is disappointing but I can't have you as my only friend and I can't commit to being any more of a friend than I have been. I have a busy life and I have people in it who need my time and attention. If you continue to pressure me to increase the amount of time and attention I give you, I will have to step further back. It's too intense and I can't be the person you want me to be. "

I think that would work with someone who is mentally well @Lougle and can accept their role in things not going well, but this woman sounds unhinged!

This is really good. I would send this.

I don’t know the situation at work, but that muddies the water somewhat.

I think you need to get work involved and list all the things she has done and say you can’t be her nominated person any more. That’s the first thing. You need to document it - it is important. You are not equipped for this level of contact and she isn’t listening.

You then need to get work not you to send a cease and desist letter to her. And you need to get them to protect you know from her. Boundaries are boundaries and you do have a stalker again. Anyone that repeatedly (more than once) does this is harassing you.

It all sounds very 'Baby Raindeer'. Yikes!!!

Not to derail the thread, but many ND people prefer ‘I am ADHD’ to ‘I have ADHD’, including me. Similar to preferring ‘autistic’ over ‘have autism’. It’s identity first language.

I agree though that this is WAY beyond adhd.

You need to be clearer, OP. It isn’t kind to leave people confused about where they stand. You need to be really clear and direct, and if that isn’t respected, stop contact.

Something I’ve found helpful is remembering that a boundary isn’t about what someone else will do, it is about what you will do. So, ‘if you turn up unannounced I won’t answer the door’.

I like this

This is great, and also serves as a really clear picture of what has happened so far. You might need this later as some sort of evidence. Maybe worth sending a copy to work too.

No this is so creepy, I wouldn't be coping with this at all. I think you need to be hugely firm and push back to the extent you fall out over it and then be relieved it's over.

I'm useless at setting boundaries, so this is the sort of situation that would have me changing jobs and moving house.

Sorry you're dealing with this OP.

Sorry but this post leads me to see where this woman gets her victim status from!
op is “not being kind” it’s op’s fault this woman is being bizarre, intrusive and quite scary as it’s op’s fault for not being “clear enough”.
so if that’s the type of things the woman’s hearing from her counsellor, of course it’s everyone else’s fault!

But what colour hair dye would you use?

I would be very clear you need some space for your own mental health. If she’s going to be manipulative just say ‘if you were my friend you would understand’ that sets a very clear boundary.

OP, I’d email her that message that’s really well written by a previous poster and bcc your work/HR into it too.

Didn’t say it’s the OP’s fault. The woman is way out of order. But the OP does have some responsibility to be clear. We all have a responsibility to let people know where they stand.

Letting her in, accepting the gifts, filling in her family and friends form for her medical assessment, acting as communication with work… these things are leading the person to believe that the OP is her close friend and is ok with her behaviour.

Sounds like ADHD and other psychological problems.

I would not send this to someone so unwell, manipulative etc - it’s handing her the bullets to shoot you with - she will rage and obsess over every word and weaponise it and wreak revenge and havoc.

Get a safety plan in place. Back out carefully and calmly. Involve your/her employer, get a paper trail, stalker charities - even police - this is far too risky and complex for you to manage - it’s one for official processes now. There is potentially a risk to your reputation, job, and the emotional and physical welfare of you and your family.

This won’t be the first time she has overstepped and been given a boundary she is unwell but also self serving and manipulative.

What I mean is, that people can see it as unkind to state their position clearly, but it is actually much kinder than the alternative. Which is allowing it to continue and escalate until it’s intolerable, then ghosting / blocking.

This situation has likely gone too far and contact will likely have to end. Which is probably a good thing. But being clear is fair to everyone, and being unclear is unfair imo.

I think you’ll have to chip at her a bit. Every time she mentions pushing her way into your life I’d say something like “no, I already have a godmother that I’ve been friends with for years” “I’m very close to my parents and they do a great job”,”no my friend wasn’t inappropriate, I’ve known and loved her for years and trust her more than anyone I know”. And if she chips about other friends say “Oy! Those are my absolute best friends you’re talking about. I adore them.” Basically big up all your other relationships and not hers. You could even add in a few “you wouldn’t get it as you and I aren’t as close as I am to them” type comments- put the friendship down a few pegs. And if that doesn’t work I’d actually tell her she’s smothering you and you need more space.

Have to confess to not having read all the replies (I hate it when people don't!) but in my experience people with no boundaries need to have them firmly put in place for them.
I would suggest discussing this with your superiors or HR at work and asking that, because of the situation, someone else takes on the mentoring/support or whatever of her so you can step back.
In the meantime, sit her down and tell her that you prefer to keep your work and home relationships separate. you have family and a friendship group at home and you have friends at work too but that is what they are - at work and at home are two separate things and she falls into the 'work' category, so no more visits announced or otherwise at home, you will see her at work.
And then if work can 'remove' her from you, your contact in the future can be minimal.
If she fails to 'hear' you, you can reiterate the fact that she is in your work friend group on your doorstep if she turns up and then gently close the door on her.

Op grooming?