Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

I had exactly the same situation. This woman wanted my life basically. She was single and had a pt job.
She'd call me and my husband round supposedly to help fix things then ignore him totally. It was creepy. She also spread very private things about me and told me private things about others.
I had to be very blunt and say that the "friendship" had run it's course.
She persisted for a bit and I had to be really firm which was hard.
Stick to your guns op. It'll get easier

This woman doesn't do hints or subtlety so the time has come for directness. Best to say something before you tell work you're no longer able to be their go-between, or her response to your conversation will be heightened.

Tell her you have too much going on at home so will be focusing on your family for the foreseeable. You won't have time to meet or host her anymore and will be speaking to work about arranging someone with more capacity to take over her check ins. Wish her the best. Then IGNORE

This woman doesn't do hints or subtlety so the time has come for directness. Best to say something before you tell work you're no longer able to be their go-between, or her response to your conversation will be heightened.

Tell her you have too much going on at home so will be focusing on your family for the foreseeable. You won't have time to meet or host her anymore and will be speaking to work about arranging someone with more capacity to take over her check ins. Wish her the best. Then IGNORE

She sounds scary. I would end that friendship and look at getting a restraining order if she showed up unannounced again.

Oh God, she reminds me of a male friend at work I had who turned very stalkerish.

He ended up infatuated with me though, so maybe a bit more understandable. But the whole ignoring boundaries and turning up at random places they know you'd be is so familiar...

This, she sounds like she might be struggling. Does she have any other friends/support?

you might be all she has so she is making it intense probably without realising & with everything else she has had going on is using you to hide her possible lonliness.

when you have been in an abusive relationship its hard to adjust to normal life and not being controlled. You can sometimes find yourself showing strange behaviours in an effort to try and control/replace the feelings you are left with.

either way it sounds like you have enough on your plate and need your friend to be supportive and not what you are getting. Boundaries and maybe a chat might help

This is completely mad. Completely mad.

@Yohoho3 tell HR you cannot and will not be her point of contact anymore, effective immediately. Tell them what you've told us - document it in an email - and say that this is becoming seriously detrimental to your mental health and wellbeing.

Inform them that while you are understanding of her mental health issues and ND, her behaviour has crossed the bounds of proprietary and has moved into the realm of stalking. Tell them that they need to take immediate steps to intervene and safeguard you as well as her.

From the moment you click Send, it's no longer your problem. Do not respond to her messages or answer the door. Your workplace has a duty of care to both of you, so they can manage her reaction.

I don't know if you've heard of an old type of curtain called a net curtain? Pretty old fashioned now, these days you can get a length of voile or muslin and hang in your window from a tension pole very quickly and cheaply. It will allow you to see out but prevent others from seeing in.

Unless the light is on, so at night use a normal blind/curtain. It will do you very well until you can have privacy blind or shutters fitted, or privacy window film.

I've had similar. When this woman comes to my door I open it but stand there looking enquiring and don't let her in. She has brought all sorts, flowers, wine etc. It feels like a bribe. I accept them and say thanks but friendship can't be bought, nor can my company. I really, really feel for her, but ultimately it's not kind to be friends with someone out of pity. That will run out and by then they will be more dependent and invested.

FFS - this behaviour is not ADHD or any similar issue. One of the traits of ADHD is the opposite, you forget to reply to friends messages, you think of them, but don't call or show up or make the first move, you are time blind. ADHD makes it hard (generally) to maintain non neurodivergent friendships because you forget to actually to the thing you are supposed to do to connect and stay in touch.

You are being played by someone with some serious issues that are not your responsibility - your responsibility is to your daughter and the risk this 'friend' poses, be it in how you role model lack of boundaries or worse.

Get your self sorted, she is manipulating you, walk away, block and do not engage anymore - protect yourself and your daughter. either way, this is no friendship, and you are not her carer. Get advice from the police or similar how to disengage from a stalker and stick to it,

The fact you added the last two sentences is proof she is gradually getting to you. You don't need to explain this. She is a nut.

I think you must cut her off completely. She might get more dangerous or she might go away. Hope for the second, expect the first.

Being as work is involved, you might need to speak to them too. Just reading your posts is making me feel stressed.

I had a friend exactly like this. In the end we fell out over something (without being too outing, she expected me to help her with something that was basically a huge and very expensive ask and something that wasnt really appropriate to ask of a friend, and I said no, which she took VERY badly). After this, I just deleted her contact.

She had exhausted me and never respected boundaries. Made herself the centre of my day and my life. She could be nice but it was all just too MUCH. Its like she almost wanted a relationship - not sexually/romantically, but thats the level of attention she wanted and how she expected to be treated - as importantly as a spouse!

It felt really liberating when we fell out. I sometimes feel guilty because she could be really nice and thoughtful. But i just could not give her what she wanted in a friend and she really made me stressed and anxious.

She too was very weird and negative about other people and tried to encourage me to fall out with them when she did. And she too would just turn up, usually coming to my house uninvited on evenings when she knew/suspected i was going out to meet someone she didnt like for dinner or drinks. It was so intense.

If she was male, I think you’d find it easier to see where the lines were being crossed. I know you said you had an ex partner stalk you before, so I hope this isn’t triggering for you, but imagine if her behaviour was being done by a man:

• Turning up at your house with flowers when you’ve said no to meeting
• Trying to isolate you from other friends and family (your parents are too old, your friends are inappropriate)
• Working out where you’ll be and turning up there (the scout camp)
• Winning over your daughter’s trust (would probably be looked at as grooming)
• Making subtle comments about “if you weren’t around”
• Making her medical appointments your responsibility, making you believe she won’t get the help she needs without you being there
• Letting you know that she knows where you are (because a neighbour saw you?)

What would you do if this was a man doing each of these things? Remember stalking doesn’t have to have a sexual relationship element - it’s about control.

A reason why sometimes people are afraid to put in a firm boundary is because they’re afraid about what it might “make” the other person do. But it’s important to realise that firstly, you’re not making them to anything, and secondly (probably most importantly): you’re already afraid of what she might do next.

This is really not normal, I'd occasionally drop things to a very close friends house if they'd said they were too tired/overwhelmed to meet - but I'd drop and run not go in! I think it's worth being blunt and actually causing a fall out. If a man were doing this (e.g. turning up unannounced at a hobby you'd mentioned in passing) you'd be being told to write everything down and speak to the police.
Maybe she's genuinely being kind and short of friends but it sounds like she's getting a bit obsessed. I'd see what happens when it's raised directly and if it continues I'd potentially think about blocking contact. Women can stalk/harass too and I'm not surprised you're uncomfortable with this.

Stop describing her as your friend.

Inform HR and her that, with immediate effect, you will no longer be her "conduit".

Keep notes of any subsequent behaviour in case you need to take anti harrassment/stalking measures later.

You are underreacting here.

My friend said things like she’d step in for my daughter if anything ever happened to me.

I that very weird! I mean who says that?! I’d be very firm - keep her at the door, don’t put the kettle on if she comes round, be dismissive if she turns up elsewhere like account camp. If she falls out with you then all the better!

There are Hollywood movies about this type of thing, and they end up with boiled bunnies and nastiness in a bathtub.

I get very wary of people that act like this. Every single time it turns out they have mental health issues and thrn at some point do something horrible. You do need to distance yourself.start with very delayed replying to messages and calls. And jjsy saying you want no visitors whis week in any capacity.

If neurodivergent only she would probably respond better to clear directions but this doesn’t seem to be the case. My neighbour was knocking on my window quite late at night and coming round all the time but once I’ve told her clearly she sticks to the boundaries.

Whatever the cause of this setting clear boundaries is still the way to go. It’s just that you might get kickback here so you will have to stay strong. The first thing to do is tell your work you can’t be the contact any more. Google ‘non violent communication’ as a simple way to frame your communication to her about this, assuming that’s what you want to do rather than just cut contact.

The comment is still valid. Friends respect boundaries out of friendship, care and respect. This person is no friend, she is someone who has latched onto OP and is manipulating her. This may well be part of her mental instability nonetheless, she is no friend to OP.

Have the conversation. If she turns up unannounced greet her on the doorstep but don t invite her in.

Yes, reading through the posts this crossed my mind too.

I had a very similar experience a few years ago and learned from this how manipulative some people can be. This included mental health issues, requests to sleep over due to safety concerns, attempts to establish an inappropriate friendship with my daughter, jealousy over others, all as OP has described here.

Then when I tried to politely establish boundaries, the individual formally complained to my work that I had been harassing her, and even implied it was sexual. This couldn’t have been further from the truth but she went to extreme lengths to make sure her complaint was taken seriously, supported by her therapist who had been persuaded she was the victim in this.

I think that she will try and retain her footing in your household by going through your daughter if you try and create space. I think you need to have a chat to your daughter about this person and acknowledge that while she is fun, she’s not well and you both need to have some time and space away from her so she can get the help she needs.
Your friend is a splitter. She wants to isolate and control her friends by manipulating them via guilt and obligation. She criticizes your friends and is resentful any time you socialise without her and doesn’t respect your space or time. She is an energy vampire. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a very severe personality disorder.
Also you need to let HR know that you are not coping with her constant intrusion into your private life and you do not want to be their conduit. That’s so very inappropriate.

This woman has more than conditions listed.
She is severely mentally unwell.
She is not your friend.
Making remarks about your daughter or absolutely worrying.
I know it’s really tough but boundary setting won’t work. Grey rock is the only way.

1. Manage expectations, if she suggests meeting up advise what works for you and stick to it
2. Never invite her over, if you want to stay her friend meet away from home.
3. If she shows up unannounced dont invite her in, just say sorry I cant invite you in - im helping DD with homework/im expecting my mother to visit/i have paperwork to focus on...
4. Dont respond to her messages outside of say 8am - 9pm
5. Dont reply immediately and dont explain yourself for the late reply

Its not about being cruel, if you like her you dont have to end the relationship but I would repeat your boundaries and reevaluate if they arent respected

Also scout thing creepy AF

I've had this happening to me as well. What helped was that I decided to treat the person as I would someone with learning difficulties: I explained gently but clearly that I need my time alone/with family and that all meet ups would have to be decided upon before. Nothing spontaneous. Even if the intentions were good it made me stressed out. Like really simplify things and be clear and consistant.