Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

I agree. @Yohoho3 @Swingsandroundabouts8 can I just suggest that you take a step back, and consider how you felt when you first posted this thread? It's so easy to get swept up in the drama of an attention grabbing thread. Not for one minute am I suggesting that you are attention seeking, but these threads gather a momentum all of their own. A lonely, needy, socially inept and boundary insensitive person becomes Single White Female or Baby Reindeer.

You've had suggestions that you need to alert the police before dealing with her. Do you think that's necessary? From what I've read, unless there's a lot you've left out, her main breaches have been misinterpreting your 'I need space' cue as 'I'm low and need encouragement' so she's bought you flowers, turning up at your house uninvited, and sharing her less than positive views of your family/other friends.

OP is aware of at least one thing the friend has tried to manipulate her about, and that's the "need" for OP to attend the ADHD screening. That may well not be the only time she's lied to try and get OP to do something OP is reluctant about. It's often very hard to know for sure if unusual things are true or not in social situations where it's rarely appropriate to ask for proof.

If OP shares with this friend that she goes to a specific place every weekend at a specific time, this friend turns up unannounced, and OP spends time with her when OP would rather not see anyone not related to the hobby activity at that time but has not told this friend that, that is not an example or monitoring nor coercive. It is poor form.

op is waiting to collect dc from a hobby, this woman turning up to the pick up is bloody weird!

Context matters. Is Scouts very local? It might be that the 'friend' thought 'Oh, no big deal, I could just pop down and give her the flowers when she's picking x up from Scouts.'

I have a friend who lives a few doors away from my parents house. I visit there often. One day there was a knock at the door and my friend was there with a bag of chocolate. She had thought of me, bought the chocolate, and thought "Oh, Lougle goes to her parents' house in the mornings...I can drop it in there before I go out."

This is only sinister behaviour because the OP has said that she has tried to communicate boundaries. But if the friend is crap at reading social cues, it might have just gone over her head. It doesn't mean she's stalking the OP, necessarily.

Try reading the OP's responses.

I have. But people are adding their own context and interference.

Whereas taking it upon yourself to draft a long and wordy reply for OP to send wouldn't be considered adding your 'own context and interference'?

Lougle · Yesterday 10:12
** I think you need to send this message. It needs to be a message so she can read it over and over again, and she can't change what you say to suit her narrative:
"Hi Sally. Recently I've noticed that we aren't communicating well. I think I'm being clear about something but your responses are showing me that I'm not being clear enough.
I sometimes say that I don't want to meet because I need time to myself or I'm run down. You often bring me gifts or flowers to make me feel better. However, I'm not asking you to do that. I'm asking you to give me space, which means not contacting me, and not visiting me.
I have told you that I don't like people turning up unannounced. I think perhaps you think we're close enough that you are an exception to that, because you have still been turning up unannounced. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it. Please do not come to my house unless I actively invite you to come.
I've noticed that you don't think certain people in my life are a positive influence. I understand that we all think differently, but it isn't helpful to me and I need you to keep those thoughts to yourself.
I know you're disappointed that I can't come to your ADHD appointment but I don't want to involve myself in your medical situations. I helped with the form but I can't do more than that. Please don't ask me again.
Finally, I need to say that I can't message as frequently as I have been. I am just too busy and it takes too much of my time. I'll check my phone from time to time but I can't always reply.
I know this is disappointing but I can't have you as my only friend and I can't commit to being any more of a friend than I have been. I have a busy life and I have people in it who need my time and attention. If you continue to pressure me to increase the amount of time and attention I give you, I will have to step further back. It's too intense and I can't be the person you want me to be. "

Agree. This would be a seriously dangerous misstep for the OP to send such material to this type of personality.

You have no idea what type of personality this woman has!

But an inability to pick up on social cues can, absolutely, lead to stalking. The fact that a stalker doesn't think what they're doing is stalking doesn't really make a difference to the person at the other end of it.

The descriptions in the OP's other posts suggest there is a hell of a lot more going on here than 'inability to pick up on social cues'.

Christ this is like a horror film 🙁

Absolutely, but of course there will be the bleating of beee kinnnd../she doesn’t understand/this is your fault for not being clear enough/she’s clearly ND and you are being ableist/it’s not that bad…
all because it’s a female being crazy and stalking!

Crikey and there was me thinking my daily "what you doing? what you having for lunch/dinner? When can we meet?" texter was bad, at least she doesn't turn up at my house 😅

Let's just say I go out of my way to avoid her on the school run now and haven't replied to any texts for nearly 2 months even though she's texted numerous times.. mundane stuff that doesn't warrant a reply.

I have seen her on the school run a few times, I just say hi and fly off before a conversation can get started lol

Easter holidays now so she's blocked until back at school

wishing you peace op!

Great response. Send it OP.

its not a great response. Too many openings to continue the "stalking"

Agree - too many words to hook into and obsesses over - basically handing her the bullets to shoot you with - ACTIONS are always the answer with these personalities.

A brief ‘No’, or ‘No that doesn’t work for me’, ‘No I don’t want those’ - then move / take immediate action - close the door, walk away, don’t reply to follow ups, mute etc. State a boundary and if they intrude on it state a deadline and a consequence.

With takers you sadly need to have strong boundaries because they have NONE and are happy to trample over your time, space, generosity, family, friends, career to meet their own selfish needs.

There is no reciprocation, nothing mutual or respectful going on.

Very quick to change gear and manipulate or threaten by pulling out the MH victim card to guilt you into complying.

Yes to all of this.

@Yohoho3 you need to go to your manager or HR and detail in writing that you are ending the role/ arrangement you agreed wrt liaison with this woman. You need to detail the stalking, in bullet points, as the reason to end it. You need to get the manager/ HR person to file a memo in your file to the effect that you are no longer to be the liaison and that the reasons you gave were valid and accepted and that you are released from your agreement. They may well ask that you do not hold then liable for any harm to befall you as a result of the agreement. Tell them you will consult a solicitor before agreeing to that wither verbally or in writing. Do not let them bully you into signing anything or agreeing verbally to anything.

Then follow all of EdithBond's suggestions in order.

Do not hint to this woman that you are less than enthusiastic about her intrusion into your life until you have got your version of events in first with your workplace and the police.

You can tell her you have decided to end the friendship after all of the details of her behavior are already in the hands of people who need to know what you are dealing with.

When you tell her, do not mince words. Do not make excuses (need time with family, etc). Tell her you do not want to be in contact ever again, and will interpret any attempts by her to contact you or your daughter by any means as stalking, and you will report such to the police.

Hope you're ok OP