Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

I had a friend like this and I've mentioned her before on another thread. She could be lovely and good fun to be around but then ...
Turned up at my house one day and heard DP talking to someone, asked who it was and when I told her she said I needed to get him to leave or she wouldn't come in. I wouldn't ask DP's friend (planned visit) to leave so she flounced off in a huff.
I booked expensive gig tickets as a present for DP's 40th and we had tears and tantrums because I didn't invite her. I didn't invite anyone else either and normal friends just asked if we'd had a good time.
Loads of other examples but in the end she decided not to speak to me ever again because I kept my boundaries.

Don’t read her messages, at least not for several days (if she sees you read it quickly but ignored it she might get more full on). Don’t answer the door if it’s her. Start distancing yourself bit by bit.

This is really manipulative of her!
I’m a people pleaser so I often go along with stuff but this needs to stop. The flower drop off situation is very disrespectful and a massive red flag. She is almost stalking you.

Get out of this friendship now. Sounds like she’s working towards moving in with you!

This request is almost certainly coming. You need to nip this in the bud now otherwise you will likely have drama you never even imagined trying to get rid of her from your home.

Contact the National Stalking Helpline (tel:0808 802 0300 0808 802 0300) for safety planning and advice

you need to protect your daughter especially here

I agree. This woman is showing stalker and obsessive behaviours. Sounds like the start of Baby Reindeer. She doesn’t sound like a friend but someone who’s manipulated you into being her friend when she actually needs a carer.

If you end the friendship, she may turn on you by making up complaints.

If she’s at risk of losing her job, and home that’s tied to it, her behaviour could escalate.

Sounds like she’s grooming your DD and getting obsessed. The suggestion she takes on your DD if anything happens to you is v concerning. As is turning up at the scout camp. Given her interest in your DD, the only safe and stress-free boundary you can set is to end all contact.

Before telling her you can’t continue to be in touch, suggest:

• Informing your work that you no longer want to be friends with her or act as her ‘conduit’ and explain why.

• Log your concerns with the police and adult social services. https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/.

• Make it very clear to your daughter she should have no contact, e.g. on social media, by phone, and informing her school.

• Tell your family, friends and neighbours.

• Get security measures on your home (e.g. ring doorbell, net curtain, locks).

• Tell the RSPCA about her dogs and pets. If she doesn’t walk the dogs, they defecate in her home and bark all night, it’s cruel to the dogs and a hygiene risk to her.

This lady might be mentally unwell and spiralling/manipulative and stalkery. I agree with the posters who think that she is beyond friendship levels of support and needs professional help.

I agree with disengaging at work as her HR contact- you can tell the work place that she seems increasingly unwell and may need referral to occ health/mental health services/an earlier ADHD assessment.

Presuming that this woman is British- she should know that ‘my daughter has GCSE’s’ is code for ‘leave me alone until the exams are over’. If she isn’t, she probably doesn’t know the significance of the exams. ‘My daughter needs these exams to go to university - please let me focus on supporting her for them’.

I agree that if you tell her not to contact you and she still persists - she is going into police territory aka harassment and you would be vindicated in pursuing this.

Yep
Look up " Favourite Person in BPD"

@Yohoho3

I booked expensive gig tickets as a present for DP's 40th and we had tears and tantrums because I didn't invite her
What a manipulative self centred and unpleasant person. Whats become of her since?

Op I wish you all the best with this because you are going to have to change tact here.

I also had a friend who had mental health issues sounding similar to your friend. The communication was constant. If you’d ignore her she would start @ me on social media, it felt like no app was safe for me on my phone. It wasn’t exclusive to me though. She also started a few inappropriate “friendships” with my friends teenagers. She was getting involved in all the teenage drama, wanting to know all the gossip, started stirring stuff by contacting the young lads too. It was awful to watch. We all took a stand and she eventually left. I worry about the poor suckers that are her new supply.

You’ve done enough. I would also be questioning everything before you go to court etc. Stick to the facts. I’m sorry, I do hope it goes well and you will feel better once she leaves you alone.

That is not an ADHD trait. Someone isn't 'ADHD'. They may have it, but they are not it.

Does she have your daughter's phone number, or on social media? I'd be checking everything to be sure.

Her behavior is extremely troubling, verging on obsessive.

There will never be a happy medium with people like this - you need to cut her off completely and unambiguously. Tell your employer (and anyone else) that you're no longer willing to act as a point of contact. You may feel like you owe her an explanation, but she'll only see that as a list of things she can work on to remain in your life.

She sounds unhinged and I’d be terrified,
particulary her turning up at my DD’s guide camp! That is so incredibly creepy. I’d be going to the police about her being a stalker and telling work to ensure that I was
nowhere near her for my own safety. She sounds like Bee on Eastenders!

Oh my I think you may have a stalker without realising. If this is how intrusive she is I wonder how much she is obsessing over you really.

But you already are going through it again. Love bombing. Turning up at your house unannounced. Turning up at venues unannounced. Isolating you . There’s already an element of stalking in those behaviours.

Formally tell HR that you are no longer a conduit for information. Tell her after you have done it. Repeat that you cannot go to medical appointments with her and cannot act as a support.
I would suggest a message saying that you need to free your time and headspace to concentrate on your daughter for a few months so will be not as able to respond meet up etc. Tell her you are doing this with everyone and are asking people to respect this. Say you appreciate everyone’s support but what you need from people now is peace, patience and space.
The work situation does make it complicated but if she hasn’t finished her probation this might not continue to be a problem.

All the other stuff aside, I couldn't be friends with someone who thought it was okay to never walk their dogs! Dogs are not indoor creatures. It's so cruel and speaks a lot to what she's like as a person.

This.

All of these steps should be put in place first to protect the OP and her daughter and ensure everything is documented before it gives this ‘friend’ the chance to go nuclear (which it feels from reading this thread she will very likely become).

If I was the OP I would sadly brace yourself for false allegations to your work and maybe even the law.

This person sounds toxic and dangerous. She is somebody you do not want or need it your life. There might be a lot of short term pain and stress but get all your ducks in a row and follow those steps suggested.

As PPs have said, I think you need to get professional advice from stalking organisations.

She says she has cPTSD and ADHD, but her behaviour raises a question as to whether there's an underlying personality disorder; from what you describe it does sound a lot like 'favourite person' and splitting going on here. None of us can diagnose her, and her background is not your problem, and not yours to fix, you have a child you need to keep safe.

I’ve read many of your posts and some of the comments. I actually think this woman has a crush on you.

Agree about informing work you can no longer support her and tell them why
Tell her you need space due to a personal issue
Dont reply to texts
Cover the window
Get a Camera doorbell and camera if she can access your back garden
Dont answer if she turns up, just check who it is on the camera

If she persists go to the police

That's actually quite manipulative and passive aggressive.

This also re For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.
id be very cautious about this, how much of this have you witnessed and how much of this is her telling you or creating the incident?
you could be the next she reports when you don’t do what she demands.