Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

I’m not clear about the work situation, make it clear at work you do not want any connection to her and whilst you’re at it report her to RSPCA for neglect of her dogs.

Turning up at the scout camp unnannounced would be the end of the friendship alone for me.

Your child comes first, she is acting very odd/obsessive and i’d be staying away from her. She may have a good side (which is why you originally became friends) but your gut feeling is telling you something is not right for many reasons.

I wouldn’t let my child anywhere near her.

I can’t see how you and the other friend are helping her by giving in to unreasonable demands like this. It will just make her think it’s okay not to come to grips with what she needs to do to get herself better.

Well done for putting your foot down today.

You shouldn't have to but you're going to have to really dig deep now because it's likely to get uncomfortable.

Text to say you're busy and will message her in a week or so. Be flippant and make no promises of when. After that, ignore messages and calls.

If she turns up at your door, tell her you told her you were busy and it's not a good time and close the door.

She has trampled over every boundary you've ever put down.

Time to defend the ones you've put up today.

I get the feeling that the coercive control in her previous relationship didn’t come from her partner. If she’s this manipulative with you and your daughter now, she could have easily engineered it to look like she was the victim. Be very careful OP that you’re not the next one. If I were you I think I’d be going back and looking at everything with a new perspective.

This is all very familiar. I had a ‘friend’ several years ago that I met through a hobby… she was fairly new to the area didn’t have many friends so I took time out to chat to her and be kind. It didn’t end well. She would not leave me alone. Hints just didn’t work.. it was relentless. I had to just bite the bullet and tell her in the end. She blanks me in the street if she sees me now. Which is fine by me.. I’m happy to be the ‘bad guy’ as long as he leaves me the fuck alone!
the final straw for me came when we had a death in the family.. she asked to come over, I refused and told her we just needed family time. We were grieving… she kept messaging and calling. I ignored her. I started to get angry that she wasn’t respecting my boundaries particularly as such a difficult time. The next thing she turns up with a cake that she had baked especially… I refused it and asked her to leave me alone.. I felt dreadful but I was so angry!
tread carefully OP.

from experience, DO NOT say stuff like "lets meet again then"

People saying to OP stop being polite, I'm not sure that's the best advice. This person has a lot going on and suffers from mental health. I would be a bit worried if she didn't think I was still her friend. She almost sounds a bit unhinged, not understanding normal social boundaries. Showing up at scouts and your house. It's all a bit unsettling really.

Gradually be less available. Don't answer the door if you aren't expecting anyone. Send husband or kids to the door abd say you're in the bath or out etc. Be pleasant when you bump into her out and about but always be in a rush. Stop responding to any of her life dramas. If she texts you saying "omg this this and this has just happened I'm so upset" respond "omg DD not well again and I'm up to my eyes in xyz"
Sure she'll disappear when you don't suit her purpose. And mainly don't worry..someone like this is ditched all the time for being too much. She knows the drill.

Yeah she sounds odd and I really would not like this.

I think I’d tell her to back off and then ghost her.

This. I would be worried for my safety.

You need to stop all contact. Tell work you can’t be the go between and explain why. They need to step in and explain someone else will be talking 5o her regarding work and so on.

Focus on your family. text this person and say you haven’t got any free time anymore as busy with my family, please don’t turn up at the house you are not welcome as we have family stuff to deal with. No other texts, do not reply to anything you receive and do not tell them anything.

as for front window put nets up.

as for dogs, that’s the worst part , contact the rspca they are being neglected.

I was in a situation like this. Met her at college and she was really intense from day one. I remember I had 7 missed calls one day and all she wanted to know was what i was up to. She would turn up at my house even when i would say i was busy. One time I didn't answer and she was shouting my name at my windows. She would shout at me for not answering my phone. I had no idea how to handle her. One day I tried to tell her I was finding it really intense and she went absolutely crazy at me then she got really upset and spent the day crying in her pjs. Then the following day she turned up at my house again and it went right back to the way it had been. I ended up with no option but to just phase her out which isn't nice but she gave me terrible anxiety at a time where I was already suffering badly with things going on and i couldnt take anymore of it . I just took longer to answer calls and messages, made myself unavailable, didn't answer the door and she eventually just stopped contacting me. No regrets.

I agree with the slow fade advice. And if you have a dp or dh, send him to the door to get rid. Take longer to reply to messages. I have a friend who is very intense, messages every day about mundane stuff in order to start a conversation- l only reply of l want to interact, otherwise she gets left on read. Too much.

I have a friend a bit like this and actually she did back off a bit once I started enforcing my boundaries more with her and being less available, basically keeping her at arms length a bit which is very alien to my nature, so it was difficult. I think she was a bit annoyed/upset with me at the beginning but several years later we are still cordial acquaintances. And actually she’s at a different place in her life now, as am I and has been reaching out a little again recently. I’m considering re-establishing a proper friendship with her though I’m a bit wary! The stupid thing is that I actually really like her as a person and she has a lot of great qualities as a friend. I wouldn’t have needed to keep her at such arms length if she’d just been a normal person about things. It was just overly needy/clingy/intense.

I've not rtft but I have read all of your replies OP.

This is not right. I'm very sorry she has a multitude of issues but ultimately that is NOT your responsibility.

If I were you I'd be having a VERY firm conversation with her. I'd tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate, that you've tried with her for quite some time but unfortunately you are now at your wits end and the friendship is no longer viable.

It could have been a chat about boundaries some time ago but (imo) it's gone too far now.

This woman is obsessed with you. It's past the point of just telling her she can't turn up unannounced. You need shot of her.

Cut her off. Completely. And enjoy the peace and quiet.

"If you can't open the window, then hold up a sign"

I'm sorry but the mental image this produced is making me chuckle 😂

knock knock

glances at window

OP is stood there with a sign saying "FUCK OFF YOU LUNATIC" 😂

She turned up at your daughter’s scout camp with flowers because you said no to something???? Sorry op, that sounds like stalking.
You need to say have a few sentences ready:
No
No that doesn’t work for me
This is not a suitable time
Frankly, my friendship with Anne is none of your business
i already told you this is not a good time, I don’t appreciate the fact that you refuse to listen and decide to overstep my boundaries.

Use whichever one is appropriate for the situation. Only say that sentence, nothing more, and repeat it, numerous times if necessary, but only that sentence.
Either she starts respecting your boundaries or she walks away (but that will be a lot less stress for you). If she can’t do either, you need to step away from her.

I just read the rest of your updates op.
This is not a friend. She is a stalker. You need to get rid of her asap.
you need to talk to your boss and explain you need to step back from being her work confident, as she is not respecting your boundaries and you are fearing your own safety. I would also talk to the police, first of all to start making a file in case things escalate, but also for advise what to do if she goes bat shit crazy.

You need to remember that you are not responsible for her. You don’t owe her anything. She is responsible for her own behaviour. You are responsible for keeping yourself and your family safe.

Do not let her anywhere near your daughter!! She’s dangerous!!! And VERY dangerous to your daughter!! What shit is she telling her you aren’t aware of for a start?! If she turned up at your house or somewhere and told your daughter you’d said it was ok she went with her she’d go with her wouldn’t she? This woman is so unhinged and a stalker and frankly after turning up at the scouts camp I’d have made it VERY clear that if she comes near you or contacts you or anyone close to you again you will report her behaviour to the police

I’ve felt a less extreme version of this in a friendship before and it’s really unpleasant and puts you on edge. I would probably have an upfront conversation because given how much contact she maintains it’s going to be hard to pull back gradually without her asking why. Also the gifts and flowers thing is quite manipulative in that context like you can’t be anything but grateful even if it means an intrusion on your day.

At the end of the day a friendship should be something that gives you good positive energy in your life, not something that makes you feel on edge. You don’t owe her anything here as harsh as that sounds. Sounds like you have plenty of friends who don’t make you feel this way.

This type of person will have done the same thing to others. She knows what she's doing.

I bet she was a great "friend" early on?

Her early "fun" personality was her putting on a front and love bombing you so she could collect information.

She's relying on you to be too ashamed/guilty and cover up for her.

As soon as you are more open about things it will be better.... Discuss with DP and your manager/colleagues, put everything in writing, have a formal paper trail. Be very clear and business like and have a "broken record" message to hand.

Bring up the risks to your own mental wellbeing if it seems appropriate.

You're locked into her fake narrative in which you're seeing her as a victim or a vulnerable person, but you're actually the one being stalked here.

Send a message confirming and logging what you discussed so HR can see you are serious.

You're not responsible for a grown woman, do not get dragged into discussing or being responsible for her welfare. "That's not my business, you need to contact her next-of-kin if appropriate. ".

I'd also ignore all the things you are "meant" to be doing for her. Otherwise you'll be dragged into some endless saga. She'll have another scheduled trauma next year.

If she's difficult/sneaky/vindictive at work your manager/colleagues probably intentionally pushed her onto you as they don't want to handle her themselves.

You need to push this responsibility back onto them.

I used to be a bit of a people pleaser and whatever the reasons this " type" is completely relentless.

They have no qualms about manipulating to get their needs met, you can't see them as normal friends. It sucks the life out of you.

Guarantee when you drop her she won't be helpless and homeless, she'll prioritize finding someone else to manipulate.

If you direct her to appropriate support services she'll ignore you or refuse as she knows the support workers will be professional and set boundaries.

She wants to control you and you to give her constant attention.

This SCREAMS BPD.

Talk to your daughter about how uncomfortable this is making you. Explain about boundary pushing and even though you like friend how everyone is entitled to boundaries and how listening to the part of yourself that’s uncomfortable is important (shite that you have to but an amazing lesson for your daughter on how to be kind and gracious when you need to step back from a relationship! No one modelled this for me, or any of my friends so we probably were less than gracious/ unkind till we figured it out).

Spell it out for your friend. “Dear friend, I am having a heavy time and I need some space. You turning up at my house when I’ve asked for space is very uncomfortable for me. Please stop doing that.” You could include “You pushing when I’ve asked for space makes me want to discontinue our friendship which would be a shame as you are lovely and kind.”

then as others have said you have other options like; taking longer to reply (maybe call or text her at a specific time each week/fortnight? I find while driving to be a useful time to call my mum, as once I’ve arrived I can say ‘right I’m here need to go now’), not answering the door, speaking through the door to say “we aren’t receiving guests right now and I’m going for a nap”, if you’ve made the mistake of answering the door a great technique is to put on a coat and walk out the door (even if you walk to the library/local shop for milk, drive through for a coke ect).

Hope this helps!

I know many people with ADHD and none of them are mad needy atalkers FFS.