Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

You need to be a lot more assertive here and say very clearly to HR/work that you are not going to be a 'conduit' any more. Put it in writing. Don't give a reason, just you don't want to do it any more. Refuse any requests to discuss it or be persuaded to change your mind. Keep saying no. Whoever asked you to do this is taking advantage and you do not have to agree.

As for her, all this #BeKind stuff is bollocks and just leading to people (usually women) into sacrificing their own needs and feelings to those of others.

Be kind to yourself and give this women some very clear boundaries and spell out the consequences if she doesn't respect them. No calling in without warning or a specific invitation to visit, no talking about your friends or family negatively, no bombarding you with messages if you don't answer. If she doesn't follow thise rules tell her clearly that you will not invite her in, you will walk away if meeintg in person, will block her messages on all platforms.

You have to put your foot down or she'll escalate her behaviour. (edited to add: the ADMH appointment is a good example of this already). You have no obligation towards her and are not responsible for whether she gets treatment or other help.

She went off sick nearly 6 months ago, and I was asked back then and obliged. I wasn’t really aware of how things would go at the time and knew I just had to report back informally weekly. I also did not really realise that she wouldn’t/couldn’t work with our workplace on planning her return so things would get very awkward. She still had her probation to complete that was extended originally. She will soon also be homeless as her home came with the job.

So this is a tied house situation? Does she have a partner and kids?

Her housing situation is not your problem to resolve. Don’t get drawn into this (or offer her a sofa!).

Refer her to the council, Shelter, woman’s aid etc.

May be I'm being thick but how does friend and not respecting boundaries even fit in the same sentence? That is not a friend, she is is a pita who needs shuting down, not convenient right now and shut door.
I'm probably not kind [so what] but I won't tolerate idiots and those who take the piss. people know where they stand with me I'm polite to a point them they are told to piss off. Real friends wouldn't push, try to tell you what to do or make you feel comfortable.

get a hold of this before she expects just a night or two on the sofa

you’ll never get rid of her.

If you'd read the thread the OP has said that her friend has MH issues and that is why the op is struggling...Just read the thread.

Also - get a Ring doorbell and don’t answer when the impromptu ‘just dropping this in” visits happen.

Given the work situation, I think you need to speak to your boss, say that colleague is over stepping somewhat and you need someone else to be nominated as her contact for work.

This next bit is important, she doesn’t step foot in your house again. You meet her at the door, if she’s turned up with a gift, say thank you, don’t invite her in. It will feel rude but remember she is being rude by turning up when you’ve asked her not to. Only if you invite her over does she come in, and I strongly suggest you leave it a long time until you invite her in.

Re the doctors appointment- don’t go.

I have just thread the thread thank you for reminding me🙄
A lot of us have MH issues but we don't take the piss out of other peoples good natures. I have bi polar but I respect peoples boundaries.

go back to you line manager and tell them what is going on. I think you need to say that you can no longer be a point of contact as its interfering with your private life and making you feel uncomfortable. At the same time distance yourself from her outside of work. I got caught like this when I was working in the NHS. We used the same very local shops and it got VERY difficult.

And this is why people ghost people. They don’t respect boundaries and put their own needs first. All I can suggest is outright tell her you have a lot on and will contact her when you’re free but are not available now.

I’m not a psychologist and this isn’t a diagnosis, but it sounds like she has several of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not saying it is or isn’t, but if you google it, it may give you some strategies for dealing with people who display similar symptoms.

OP I think you are minimising how worrying her behaviour is and the impact on your life.
shes giving me huge baby reindeer vibes

I’ve been in your position OP. Colleague who I became friendly with. Wouldn’t leave me alone. Text after text. All about her. “What do you think?” Etc. I was an unpaid counsellor and sounding board. This went on for 15 years until I had to ghost.

100 per cent

Reading your message, I was guessing ADHD before you got to it.

firstly there is no pressure to be friends with someone if you don’t want to and you don’t have to have a reason to step back.

If you do want to remain friendly, really clear boundaries and sticking to them - in a way that may feel a bit rude (!) might be useful. I’d have a conversation to outline the boundaries once and if they are pushed against I would reevaluate the friendship. Outlining boundaries bluntly can feel strange if you’re NT, but actually are helpful to your sanity and also for your friend as the friendship is more likely to be sustainable then and she doesn’t have to guess social interaction rules, you’ve outlined them for her.

She is being relentless about the fact that the psychiatrist is asking to see me. I’ve said no can do (politely).

This then incites repeated messages and requests to call. The “xxxx”s have disappeared, so I think she is getting irritated at my replies/boundaries.

Why do you answer the door to her? Or the phone?

If it’s inconvenient it’s fine to ignore.

I personally would think I was lucky if my friend did that.

Speak to HR advise you cannot be thr conduit and send her ONE message letting her know. Dont answer if she turns up unanounced OR just a polite so sorry we are just in middle of something will catch up later

This level of boundary crossing for an adult is really not typical. It won't stop unless you make it stop.

Tell me you dont respect people's boundaries without telling me you dont respect boundaries.

Woah! You go straight to HR and you tell them that you can no longer be the conduit. How much you tell them about your reasons is up to you and will vary according to the situation. But you have to be entirely immovable and insist that they nominate someone else.

From that point on you have to be firm to be kind. This situation is only going to get worse otherwise. When she calls or turns up, you keep her on the doorstep and tell her that it's not a good time.

I had a friend who stayed criticising my family. Generally I'm a people pleaser, but after the third time I snapped and told them that these were people I loved and how dare they speak like that about them. It didn't happen again

OP please take care it sounds like she is using coercive controlling behaviour and trying to isolate you from your friends by rubbishing them to you. Her attention to your daughter is also concerning. She wants an exclusive relationship with you and your daughter. Someone mentioned Baby Reindeer in an earlier post and her behaviour sounds similar. Does she have a crush on you by any chance?

I’ve been firm with her this afternoon. She is agitated because I went to event with colleagues earlier this week. I didn't mention it to her (not would I have lied about if, of course) but she seemed to take pleasure in letting me know that her neighbour told her I was there, and she hoped I had “fun”, which made me feel observed/monitored yet again.

She has demanded to know if someone at work has told me not to speak to her (even though I have been replying to her once per day- firmly but not unfriendly). The thing is, nobody mentioned her at all. All they know of her is that she rarely comes out and her dogs bark all night. They don’t complain to me as they know we are friends, plus they are used to living amongst colleagues and all their quirks.

I don’t think she has a crush on me- pretty sure she is straight. She went on a date with a guy two weeks ago but now drops his name into conversation as if he is permanent. I don’t know if he is going to get any choice in the matter.