Friend keeps messaging and turning up unannounced, how to set boundaries?

[Yohoho3]

I’d really value some outside perspectives as I’m starting to feel quite unsettled.

I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

She messages a lot (often multiple follow-ups early mornings and late at night) asks frequently when I’m free, and seems to expect quite a high level of contact. If I don’t respond or am busy she will sometimes ask others about me.

The main issue is boundaries. I’ve told her clearly I don’t like people turning up unannounced, but she has still done it – including once turning up at a remote scout camp when I was picking up my daughter, which honestly frightened me a bit. More recently she came to my house “just to drop something off” and then stayed the whole evening.

She also tends to position herself quite centrally in my life (e.g. expecting to see me regularly, commenting on my other long-term friendships, etc.), which doesn’t sit well with me as I have a child, family, and long-standing friends who obviously come first.

For context, my daughter has been unwell and has GCSEs coming up, so I’ve actually cancelled plans even with close friends. So I feel quite frustrated that she’s still pushing to meet.

I’ve started to step back and be less available, but I suspect she’ll soon ask what’s going on or get very upset.

My questions are:

• Am I overreacting to find this behaviour intrusive?
• How would you handle it – gradual distancing or a more direct conversation?
• Any tips for stopping unannounced visits without causing a big fallout?

For context, she has mental health difficulties (Complex PTSD and possible ADHD) caused by a traumatic situation where she was coerced and controlled. I may need to go to court as a witness.

The way my house is, is there is a green in front, so not overlooked, and then a small gate with a path leading to my front door. I have an adjacent window (that just has curtains so I can enjoy the view). She opens the gate and bowls up the door and can see if im at home or not as one or other of us is usually in the kitchen/diner area.

I think be honest with her and say she’s overwhelming you with too much contact and possessive behaviour. She can tell something’s off, she’s already started thinking there’s some sort of conspiracy.. maybe telling her straight is the kindest thing to do?

1. Open the window
2. say go away
3. close the window
4. If you can't open the window, then hold up a sign.
5. Even better would be to be sitting at the window and totally ignore here.

Honestly you really are going to have to be that blunt. proper grey rock her.

But it isn’t kind. She’s doing things you don’t want. She’s doing it to make herself feel good, not for you- in her warped way of thinking, she can congratulate herself for being nice to you.
Turning up when you’ve clearly said no is not OK. She’s obviously determined, thick skinned and frankly obsessed. To stop this you’ll either have to be very firm indeed - and ignore the inevitable “hurt feelings” that she’ll try to pin on you, and possibly wailing and crying- or break off contact altogether.

She IS monitoring you....hopefully she will turn her attention to the boy she dated. Less is more when responding to her and ignoring any manipulative behaviour or conversations which sounds like you are doing now. She may start trying to guilt trip you by saying you are ignoring her and making her miserable...its another trick. Take care

Our other friend is more her no1 focus. She has had to stay over at hers repeatedly- in the same bed instead of the spare room, so she feels “safe”. She has very complex health needs but has had to be up all hours with our friend’s dogs, who havent been toilet trained and are restless at night because they are not walked.

I’ve avoided the overnights with her because i have a child but I did look after her dogs for two nights over Christmas so she could go abroad- longest two night ever; the smell, the exhaustion I realised I’d given too much then. Even our mutual friend is backing off a bit because our friend’s/colleague has started criticising her partner!

In the same bed?

Come on you and your other friend have got to put your feet down. This is utterly nuts.

Yes! The same bed! That way always too far for me.

Her dogs or our friend's dogs?

Her dogs. She also bought a hamster but came home with three.

OP stop this!

@Yohoho3 you say in your op she was originally at your work so presumably not a colleague now?

So what?

You still don’t have to open your door to uninvited guests. She’s being very rude but you sound like a doormat.

Op, stop being so bloody nice and polite. You need to be saying no, saying why are you here I told you I was busy, not opening the door, not letting her in, etc. You need to be crystal clear her behaviour is not wanted. Ignore the inevitable attempts to guilt you with tears etc. She is not ‘being kind’, she sounds a bit ill actually. This has already gone to creepy-as-fuck territory and she’s only likely to get worse.

This is one friend who’s best as an ex friend. I would cut her out of my life if I were in your position. She sounds dangerous!

The same bed?? Does no one think to just say ‘fuck that’ to this person?

She’s completely obsessed with you. She’s not your friend. She’s a cross between a dependent and a stalker and you need to be A LOT firmer with her. You also need to explain to your employer that no, you cannot be her point of contact for them.

She clearly does have significant mental health problems - and I do think that includes a personality disorder - but you are not her support worker or her therapist and you need to stop being so diplomatic and passive.

None of this stops you being a witness if her ex partner ends up in court for abusing her.

It is not helping her to allow her to trample boundaries. As someone with mental illness the most helpful thing my friends do when i am in crisis is maintain healthy boundaries and tell me no when i am over stepping.

This isn’t healthy OP. You 100% know that it has to stop.

Roughly how old is your DD? Why would she ask for this woman to he her GodMum? Has she been fed this idea by this person? If so, your DD is being groomed.

How would her neighbour know who you are, and how did it come up in conversation that you were there? Sounds like she’s stalking you. Stalking may be an emotive word, but your colleague does sound creepy.

Hard not to though. I had a friend like this.

She used to also bring her daughter, her daughter’s partner and their dog! No matter what I was doing or had planned, they all turned up.

I would get stressed then think “she was trying to be nice” and blame myself for the stress.

At one point, I put her before my son who lives here. She was inappropriate with him and I put it down to drink. I actually would tell him she was coming and he would take drinks and snacks up to his room to avoid having to go through my dining room into the kitchen. So ashamed of myself for allowing that.

Then I just thought “fuck this”, told her, unfriended her on facebook etc.

Then another friend told me that she was putting things on facebook like old photos with peoples faces cut out and saying “this is the way people unfriended you in the past, now you just click a button”.

I could go on all night about her but I won’t.

OP, just tell her to fuck off. Tell your work you can’t do this anymore and move on. I can assure you it’s worth it.

I had a friend who ended up becoming a stalker. She would call at my door whenever she wanted too and even ended up arriving at my work place, a hospital outpatient department and waited until I finished work. She was very unwell and maybe didn’t realise the impact of her behaviour. She ended up being arrested for stalking famous celebrities and then treated in hospital for a lengthy period. It was a scary time as she was unpredictable.
I moved away but still fear her knocking at the door?

One of my friends had a situation like this - it really frustrated her and was only resolved when the person got married and moved away.
I think you need to be really frank - maybe in writing so it’s clear. “I’m going to be off the radar for the next few months until my daughter has her GCSEs under her belt. Let’s meet again then.” or similar.
And ignore texts.
The late night/early morning texts are easy, just don’t look at them. If she turns up at the door either don’t answer or say “sorry, we’re busy right now. “

Run a mile OP. Her problems are not yours to solve.

I have a DD the same age as yours. Your DD deserves your time, attention, and energy at this point in her life.

If she's ADHD she likely isn't picking up on usual friend dynamics and social cues. Explain that you're finding it all a bit overwhelming and she either needs to take a step back or you're going to have to call and end.