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Original poster

Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

417 replies

reversegear · 28/03/2026 09:59

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 28/03/2026 10:04

I'm sorry but it's really ungrateful to stamp on his first effort to take the lead. I think he's gone for the safe option and you can't just steam in and get him to change it.

What are you committing to do differently as part of this counselling?

It's also no good being resentful when you don't get your own way. Try to enjoy it.

CallingOnTheMegaphone · 28/03/2026 10:06

Fuck that, I would say something/book somewhere else, especially since it's expensive. Better to go somewhere where you actually want to eat.

Thunderdcc · 28/03/2026 10:06

If he has never booked anything then I think it makes sense from his perspective to go for a safe option first. Give him a chance, see what happens next time (if there is a next time!)

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Relationship problems
ZenNudist · 28/03/2026 10:07

Also which is he supposed to be doing ?

stop asking me what I want and be more decisive

Or

, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer”

Eluding does not sound that clear.

These are 2 different things.

OffToSeaInABlizzard · 28/03/2026 10:07

What d’you mean he’s never booked anything? How long have you been married? Surely he booked things when you were dating? (Assuming you dated before marrying.)

And did you mean just restaurants? What about cinema / theatre / weekend trips / holidays?

If he’s never done any of those things …

Schoolchoicesucks · 28/03/2026 10:07

You wanted him to be decisive and do the booking. He's done it. If your first thought is "he's done it wrong, I shoild tell him he's done it wrong" then that may well be a signal of your role in the dynamic that has led to him being passive and you doing all the organising.
Are you having any individual counselling or therapy alongside the marriage counselling?

Makemineacosmo · 28/03/2026 10:07

It sounds a bit like he can't win really.

OffToSeaInABlizzard · 28/03/2026 10:08

(I assume that’s a typo and the OP meant ‘alluding’.

Turtlesgottaturtle · 28/03/2026 10:09

You've obviously been happy going there in the past, so it seems unfair on him to criticise the choice when he makes it. Could it be that one of the issues is that you like to be the one who makes the decisions and are controlling?

LilyLemonade · 28/03/2026 10:10

Don't say anything. Just go along with it.
He has booked it and this is a step forward.

Emilesgran · 28/03/2026 10:10

reversegear · 28/03/2026 09:59

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

So when he does book something your reaction is “That’s not the way I wanted it done”?

He’s picked a restaurant you’ve been to 6 or 7 times so one he knows you like instead of risking one you don’t like, but still you don’t like it?

Does that not tell you a lot about why he’s so passive and lets you do all the organising?

Original poster
reversegear · 28/03/2026 10:10

OffToSeaInABlizzard · 28/03/2026 10:07

What d’you mean he’s never booked anything? How long have you been married? Surely he booked things when you were dating? (Assuming you dated before marrying.)

And did you mean just restaurants? What about cinema / theatre / weekend trips / holidays?

If he’s never done any of those things …

He’s never done anything, his whole life he’s just been the laid back guy. I don’t done book or plan nothing happens, no socials nothing.

he will go to the pub, go where he’s invited but he doesn’t initiate anything.

OP posts:
UnsocialButterflyy · 28/03/2026 10:11

I also agree with a pp I think he’s gone for the safe option first if he’s not done it before. Id give it a chance.

RoseField1 · 28/03/2026 10:12

Go to the restaurant, enjoy the meal and have a good grace. Do not mention you would prefer another place. If you want him to change, don't shit on his first efforts.

Turtlesgottaturtle · 28/03/2026 10:12

reversegear · 28/03/2026 10:10

He’s never done anything, his whole life he’s just been the laid back guy. I don’t done book or plan nothing happens, no socials nothing.

he will go to the pub, go where he’s invited but he doesn’t initiate anything.

Show quote history

You've been to this restaurant half a dozen times, when the decision was yours, so he knows that you both like it. Yet somehow when he books it it's a bad choice and you feel the need to criticise and overrule him. I really think you need to look at your role in this dynamic.

OttersOnAPlane · 28/03/2026 10:12

You go where he's booked. He's done what the counsellor suggested, and you can't piss on his chips.

BuryAllYourSecretsInMySkin · 28/03/2026 10:14

It sounds like you're totally done with the relationship tbh.

You've went straight for negativity in the situation rather than being happy he's trying to change for your benefit.

Not a criticism at all, I would have walked a long time ago with him being so passive in his own life/relationship.

But if you're at the point of only seeing the negative it's probably time to end things before you start hating him.

Original poster
reversegear · 28/03/2026 10:14

Yes I totally understand my part in this dynamic which is why I’m asking for outside thoughts, I’m on my way out of this relationship and have been checked out for a long time this is the last resort for me (which I booked).

Im seeing this as his opportunity and he’s chuffed with himself for booking, but I just kind of thought stupidity he wouldn’t go so safe, and last time we went the service was awful, which is front of my brain but he’s maybe not recalled.

OP posts:
Original poster
reversegear · 28/03/2026 10:15

OttersOnAPlane · 28/03/2026 10:12

You go where he's booked. He's done what the counsellor suggested, and you can't piss on his chips.

I love that phrase, you made me laugh.

OP posts:
KilkennyCats · 28/03/2026 10:16

Jesus Christ, op, he really can’t win!
You’ve been happy to eat at this place six or seven times but don’t want to now because he chose it?
Did you choose it the last six times, perhaps?
I’m beginning to see where the problem lies, and it’s not with his indecisiveness.

Boolabus · 28/03/2026 10:17

I think your reaction to where he's booked might be one of the reasons why he's never booked anything. Damned if you do damned if you don't. Do you think you're a bit controlling in this respect and critical if something doesn't hold up to your standards? I don't know if you are and could be completely wrong I just get a whiff of it from your post

Katrinawaves · 28/03/2026 10:17

You are missing the point that there are problems on both sides around this issue. He doesn’t initiate things. You are overbearing and take control.

He’s tried to do what you want and booked something. He picked somewhere he believes you like because you have chosen it several times previously.

You however are repeating the dysfunctional pattern in the relationship you are both trying to work on by wanting to step in and change the plans and make them better.

Go or don’t go. It’s up to you. But if you don’t go, you are basically saying that the chef who chose the menu on that night has power to determine the future of your marriage. Which maybe gives you some insight into what you genuinely want the outcome of these counselling sessions to be

Original poster
reversegear · 28/03/2026 10:17

@Turtlesgottaturtlei respect that, and I am, I’m so tired of making all the effort in this marriage, I think I’m burnt out, not thinking straight so I’m happy to take on board opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
reversegear · 28/03/2026 10:19

Boolabus · 28/03/2026 10:17

I think your reaction to where he's booked might be one of the reasons why he's never booked anything. Damned if you do damned if you don't. Do you think you're a bit controlling in this respect and critical if something doesn't hold up to your standards? I don't know if you are and could be completely wrong I just get a whiff of it from your post

My standards are on the floor to be honest with my marriage, I’ve put up with some awful selfish crap from this man. Just to say he can book things, but only when they involve him, so nights out, work related things he’s a functioning man, just not with me.

OP posts:
somanychristmaslights · 28/03/2026 10:19

He’s never booked anything before, so he’s gone with somewhere he thinks YOU like as you’ve obviously decided to go there so many times previously. The poor guy can’t win and you don’t seem to want to even give him credit. He’s not going to change into this miraculously decisive man overnight.