Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

Eluding does not sound that clear.

Possibly because it should be "alluding"...

Yes, he's organised somewhere he knows you like and you're determined not to enjoy it and for that to be his fault.

You aren't wrong to be disappointed but I think you need to let go of any expectations early doors if you truly want your marriage to work. You have had such a load to carry and so I get it might not be fair but if you're not willing to walk away then this is what it takes.
Right no your husband is doing nothing, so although all of us women likely agree that it's bare minimum to be able to book a restaurant, he is following the plan as your counsellor has asked. If you mention anything about being disappointed with where he has booked, you risk him going look at what say did, it's never right so why bother and he gets to give up.
See this as baby step 1 - he's followed through.
Step 2 would be can he take the lead more than once, can he actually change behaviour and not just because a counsellor asked this one occasion.
Then maybe at step 4/5/6 you can discuss hey can we go here or let's try there.

Bottom line you can't have zero expectations for 20 years then overnight expect them to be met. I'm not saying you aren't valid in how you feel, I'd absolutely have left by now so you are absolutely valid in your feelings but if you're going to stay this is what it takes and there's no shame in saying actually I changed my mind now you've seen this is how it will go, if have you.

…but don't you want your life to be with someone who cares to know you and make an effort ..not repeat boring

You can't be complaining that he books nothing, and you're fed up of doing it and it's one of the reasons you are checking out of the relationship ship... then on the hand complain when he has booked something that you don't like (even though you yourself have booked in multiple times before).

He's taken the therapy on board and you're shitting on his effort. If you turn around and say no let's go to XYZ instead... you are basically saying he needs to make plans but you absolutely won't follow them.mwaning he isn't allowed make plans.

If there are issues in the relationship, it doesn't get resolved overnight. It's a process and he appears to be making somewhat of an effort. If you are already checked out of the relationship, it probably isn't going to matter now if he makes an effort.

Thats your answer, the marriage is over.

Marriages do need work, from both parties at the same time. If you’ve been working before now (maybe in way he was aware of or not), you can’t just stop working at it now he is putting in the effort you asked for.

You have to meet him half way - he’s done exactly as you asked, made plans (I’m not clear on whether you wanted him to do a short list or whether that was also a problem form you), put thought into somewhere you’ve booked multiple times before, that is nice and expensive so not just a quick and easy meal.

He’s not a mind reader as well as a husband and it w like you wouldn’t have been happy with anywhere you hadn’t picked, which begs the question what do you actually want? As I suspect it might just be out of the marriage - and just staying is not putting work in, so if you're not willing to meet him halfway, do both of you a favour and end it now.

He has planned a meal and you are not happy with it! It's so contradicting to say that's what you want but then moan when he does that.

I can see both sides of this. On this one occasion I think you should just go along with it, enjoy it and stop finding faults which I think you are looking for. It's one evening, chill out.

I think you need to let him know that the counselling is really in your mind a nice way to end it

my auntie did this at the end of her marriage as says it was really helpful for both of them

This 100%

@Nevsi think as we met we were both laid back, easy going, then life, work kids responsibility’s piled on and they became mine. Over the years I’ve tried to hand back delegate give him stuff, but then I end up like his bloody manager as he will drop the ball forget things, when say forget things he lost my son due to getting the wrong day at school etc. Not just forgetting to put washing on.

So yes it’s sad that’s it’s taken me booking this, and trying to navigate what’s next.

I suspect he knows from experience that you will disagree with anything he organises so he has learned not to do it. He was probably trying to be sure to pick something he knew you liked since you picked it 6 or 7 times before. He didn't want to mess up on this booking, but of course he did.

You can't expect marriage counseling to install an imagination in your husband if he doesn't possess one.

If you’ve checked out / on the way towards ending the relationship; what’s is the point of prolonging it further?

But he has organised this, and you're not finding it "bliss" because he hasn't done it the way you hoped.

If you really believe you want someone to organise things for you, you're often going to end up on trips that aren't exactly how you would have organised them.

@reversegear i think the word here is control not one person should be in control of the relationship. There are areas you should both be driving. My husband books restaurants but has no idea how much council tax is or gas and electricity, he doesn’t chose the cars, I don’t make Sunday roasts. Can you both not just play to your strengths

Marriage takes work, but marriages are over once contempt sets in. And you sound so close to that.
Dont flog a dead horse, have dinner with him and really assess if you want to keep doing this for another few decades.

@pimplebumour first session he’s aware the outcome could be looking at separation, so I think I’ve been fair and clear.

It’s tricky @reversegearI get where you are coming from as I’m in a similar situation and try to encourage him to take the lead but he just doesn’t seem to have the skills, probably because he’s had mummy/ex wife/me organising everything, like you trips, meals, social stuff.
I’ve tried encouraging him to come up with ideas, given him specific tasks (find a hotel near city centre and all the sights and he will come back with a long list of hotels near the airport, out in the suburbs or whatever!). He doesn’t have a clue what we have in the fridge/freezer so will come up with some random meal idea where we have few of the ingredients!
I have reframed it that we are playing to our skill set and I leave any task he is good at and just carry on with organising stuff as it’s just too hard to change him. I have reflected that maybe it suits me too as he’s always really happy with everything I organise and he is involved with the arrangements; often I will suggest two options I like and he makes the final choice.
Yes, it’s frustrating and I do feel like his mother sometimes but the plus side is we have delineated roles and I’ve managed to get rid of the tasks I dislike. You are right though it doesn’t feel like an equal relationship.
maybe he just isn’t the right person for you?

You are right and sensible in your comment.

However, it doesn't seem the OP is getting much from this marriage.

@Isit2026yet yes this I agree, we have strengths and one piece of homework we have is to list them and allocate and take resource areas of life, but nothings been done on that homework piece.

So you want him to make decisions, but only if he decides on what you want…

This is what I thought. Poor guy

If you checked out long ago, why are you continuing with the charade? That sounds pretty cruel to me.