Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

You are being cruel to say the least. He doesn’t make decisions, he must now make them, he’s now made on and you want to rip him to shreds. Are you perhaps overly critical? We don't get to hear his side regarding the relationship issues.

Give over. She isn’t being cruel or ripping him to shreds. She hasn’t said anything to him.

She has come on MN to ask advice and has taken it in good grace.

She absolutely is, he's doing what is being suggested and still overly critical. I would love to hear his opinion on how he is treated and the viewed in the home.

She cannot be being cruel to him about this if she hasn’t said anything to him.

The point of MN, often, is as a quick sense check, and that’s how OP has used it - and stated she isn’t going to say anything about the restaurant after feedback.

If posters get slammed with words like cruel for asking for such sense checks, how does that help?

Its fairly obvious from her wording how she perceives him. If you want to post your relationship woes on an online forum you may well get opinions you don’t like.

So you want him not to ask you and make decisions. He has not asked you and made a decision yet he’s still not done right.

Jesus Christ! This poor man! Do him a favour and leave, you sound extremely controlling tbh, you clearly don’t love him otherwise you would be supportive of his efforts.

Again, OP has got opinions that differ from hers and accepted them with good grace.

Now I am giving you my opinion on your words and why they are incorrect and unhelpful. Clearly it is an opinion you don’t like. Ah well, that’s how a forum rolls.

Have a good day, I shan’t respond to you further.

Did you know he was like this when you married him? Or has he become like this? If it’s the first, I don’t understand why someone would choose to spend the rest of their life with someone whose personality they can’t put up with. This is just the kind of person he is, I wouldn’t like it either, but I’d never have married someone like that in the first place. You need to either accept it’s part of who he is and focus on the qualities you love about him instead, or leave the relationship. Going to counselling to try and change a fundamental aspect of someone’s personality is just never going to work. In general, people just don’t change. Acceptance or leaving are the only two options that will bring any happiness imo

How was dinner last night OP?

Pot, kettle, black. You seem to have missed the inadequacies of your own post!!

Op I hear you a million per cent.

I’m in a similar situation and now I’m asking DH to step up and not just for the future but also to compensate for the past.

He looks like a rabbit caught in headlights and whilst I am conscious that I could be coming across as moving the goalposts, this is not the first conversation on the topic, it’s not new, and I have also acknowledged and explained that by doing it all in the past, that I am part of the problem, but that so is he for letting that happen.

I have no idea whether it will work for our marriage but I have told him that I will be brutally honest on my expectations going forward. I’ve danced around his feelings, given him a pass for being passive and just can’t do it any more (hello peri!). But also because I think HE will be happier if he’s more engaged and more involved in his/our life. And because quite frankly I’m scared that he will make a minimum effort and then think it’s enough and when it’s not he’ll be saying “he can never get it right”.

My only other option is to walk away. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the one responsible for holding everything down, earning all the money, making all the decisions AND the one breaking up the family……

It sounds like you have both misunderstood the therapist. Their holiday example you quote says "... we decide as a team." Surely that's what it's all about (you don't do all the work and he doesn't just sit back passively). But then he says 'we're eating out on Saturday' and you say 'am I allowed to ask where?', neither of which involves deciding as a team.

Oh your marriage is dead in the water. Just leave him.

You completely contradict yourself. You want him to take control, but don't like his choice when he does. You can maybe make him more decisive but ultimately it appears you are just not happy. I'd just leave and find someone else.

I don’t think it always notices in the early exciting months and years. Or it doesn’t matter at that point… plus people and lives evolve, habits and roles form without you really realizing and it starts to niggle but you ignore, then it builds up to resentment all of a sudden.

Thank you.

Good luck, I’ve been trying so many times over the years and it just didn’t or won’t land. So I’m hoping that having th weekly focus and space to talk helps.

Exactly this. He will be much happier without you OP. I hope you can go through this next phase being kind to him.

Morning, thank you to to everyone who commented some long lovely posts, sorry I can’t reply to all I have acknowledged all advice and words, well aside from whoever called me “borderline abusive” They can do one.

So I said nothing to DH I went we had a really nice time, the food was great and this time service was fab too, we chatted managed to not argue or bicker and he drove so I treated myself to some fizz and wine, I’ve woken up this morning feeling positive rather than grumpy but still can’t help those feeling creeping in after years of low effort it’s going to be hard work.

To a few of you who have the same situations at home I’d just say don’t be like me and leave it too long and stay quiet, I wish I’d been given the tools to nip this in the bud when it started way back when kids were little, it’s such a gradual process of someone borrowing your brain and being passive, you do see it as a nice trait, and then gradually it means you do more and more and more and 20 years later you are a burnt out wreck.

im going to stick around for a bit longer but wanted to say thanks for stopping me stepping in!!

That's good you enjoyed yourself.

Glad you had a good night and all went well.

It will take time. I guess it just depends on how long you’re prepared to give it and whether whatever progress is enough. Can you talk to him about being worried that “too little will be too late”?

And FWIW I think that after all these years of having to take control, it is difficult to let go of taking the control. When you’ve had to be the “overfunctioner” it’s hard to trust to “underfunctioner” and have confidence that some kind of balance will be restored. So as much as he’s doing the work on his side to step up, I guess you’ll also need to figure out how to step back a bit.

I really hope it works out for you op 👊

Suggesting that he goes to stay with his parents for a weekend to understand what his alternative life would look like seems to have made a difference 😉

I honestly don’t understand what you expect here. A big part of marriage is learning how to communicate. If you’re not happy, say it clearly. Expecting your partner to read your mind is just setting them up to fail.

Also, not everyone shows effort in the same way. My husband never books anything and rarely even thinks about planning a night out—that’s just who he is. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to spend time with me; he just gets very wrapped up in his own head. So I handle it. I make the plans, pick places I know we’ll both enjoy, and make it happen. He contributes a lot to our marriage in other ways.

What I wouldn’t do is push him to choose something and then complain about it afterwards. That’s unfair. If you want something specific, be upfront about it instead of testing him and then being disappointed.

This is why he’s not ever done or booked things because his efforts or suggestions have not been good enough for you. No offence but have you communicated with him on last visit to the restaurant he thinks you like, that you would prefer to try something different?
marriage counselling is for the whole marriage and not just get him there and point out what he did wrong it takes work and patience both sides perhaps go to the restaurant and make a really good effort to talk to him and be happy with his choice you could ask about different food options this time and try for example an Italian restaurant next time still of his choosing and responsibility to book. Your coming of as a little authoritarian he’s let you take the lead because you have the opinion and if asked I think he may have sat through loads of meals in restaurants he wouldn’t have chosen and possibly didn’t enjoy and did it for you maybe it’s your turn.

What I wouldn’t do is push him to choose something and then complain about it afterwards. That’s unfair. If you want something specific, be upfront about it instead of testing him and then being disappointed

Lucky that OP didn’t do this, then.

I couldn’t agree more with this. This reminds me of a chat I had years ago with a really good friend, who said exactly that - relationships should be easy. Obviously, there will be difficult times, as we all change throughout our lives and we will probably face difficult things in the future, but relationships themselves shouldn’t be hard. They should help us deal with those shitty times in our lives and not make them harder.