Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

You say you’ve checked out of this relationship already, so really if it wasnt the actual restaurant, it will likely be something else. He can’t win really. For all concerned are you better just cutting your losses and splitting up?

I think if you've already checked out nothing he does now will be enough, you are just rearranging the deck chairs

I think you’re being really unfair on him. Yes, it must be irritating if he’s so laid back but you have booked that restaurant half a dozen times, so he knows you like it.
If you’ve already checked out as you say then I think it’s unfair to string him along as well.
You don’t sound very pleasant in this situation I’m afraid.

Tell him, why waste money. You're emotionally checked out anyway and he's mega easy going so he's not going to be upset is he? I would be disappointed he's gone for the lazy option. I think you're setting yourself up for a rubbish dinner if you don't suggest going somewhere else. Won't you be sitting there resenting being there? Making comments. Why not say that's a nice place to go but we've been there lots of times before, could we go somewhere new? Then he'll really have to make a decision?

Agree, tell him how wrong he is, and at least then he’ll know that whatever he does, it’s wrong and your way is the only right way!
at what point in your counselling does his psychic bit kick in so he knows how to do exactly what you want, without you telling him?

I’m the planner and the doer in my relationship … it used to piss me off at times but now I’m older I realise there’s a reason why I chose a man like this. I prefer to be the one in the driving seat. And he prefers to follow.

the restaurant was good enough for you to book - of course he’ll assume you like it!

if you’ve checked out why are you playing along with this charade?

This. If you've been several times before at your instigation, I'm not surprised that he thought it was a safe option. Take it as the small step in the right direction that it was intended to be.
And do check that you don't automatically put him down if he attempts to take the lead.

Why are you even bothering with counselling when you've checked out already? Your tone shows that you can't stand the man and have no respect for him, let alone love.

The marriage isn't going to work out, so why don't you just finish it?

Maybe the rest of your marriage is shit and clouding your thinking but regarding the restaurant, it sounds like he cant win.

Agree with most of the others. It seems that the dynamic of him being passive and you doing all the load is because of both of you. Are you able to go with the flow or do you have to be in control? If your first reaction when he decides something is to criticise, then no wonder he is passive.

Given your overreaction, he’s probably scared or making the wrong decision so took a safe option, but it seems from your reaction that there is no ‘safe option’.

By all means check out of this relationship, but ask yourself honestly whether the pattern is also due to you? If so, you’ll find the same in your next relationship.

There are two parts to this issue
He doesn't take the lead and leaves things to you. You do take the lead and are decisive.
It is good he's taken the lead here ..albeit in a simple format. He isn't used to doing this and is probably fearful that you will criticise his choice ...which you are doing.

When you choose from you description. It doesn't seem that he cruises your choices.
He is trying to deal with his issue here and needs encouragement so I would cheerfully go along with his choice. It is a starting point
To be honest, just as he is trying to deal with his part of the problem I think you should be attempting to deal with your end of the problem. This is his first attempt, yet you really want to take over, take control don't you. This can happen when you've always had to do it. The advantage of him taking some control is less ming work for you. The disadvantage is that you no longer get to control so things won't always be your choice.
Roll with it op. If you want change you have to play your part in it and deal with your own issues as well. 💐

Well I can understand your frustration then, you are obviously not a priority for him which is tough and upsetting.

Exactly this. Poor bloke

Because I was stupidly told that marriages need work and you should do what you can to make that happen, so I’m asking for outside help to see if I can do and the next 20-30 yeas in this dynamic.

It sounds to me like it's no wonder he never organises anything...

Just to say he can book things, but only when they involve him, so nights out, work related things he’s a functioning man, just not with me.
but if you’re not attending, he doesn’t need to run it past you or get your approval?

One step at a time, OP. This time he has gone with a safe choice, but give the bloke credit: he took the criticism/tip on the chin and did something.

If you are expecting a huge surprise that you adore, on the first try, you are doing yourself no favours.

See how it goes. And the next one, and the next one. And then see where it leads.

One of the few threads where I really feel sympathy for your DH.
Can't do right for doing wrong springs to mind

are you trying to trip him up and catch him out?

Marriages do require work. It’s not stupid to say as much.

But if you have checked out, to the point that a restaurant you’ve previously enjoyed is suddenly all wrong, then you are just dragging out the relationship to justify leaving.

Why not just say 'oh, we go to Sergio's all the time. There must be somewhere new you'd like to try? I'm up for something a bit different. Can you look at other options?'

Rather than just being angry his first suggestion was somewhere familiar. As you say, you're together working on him taking the lead but he's not in his comfort zone.

So just push a bit more for him to think out of the box. But no need to get pissed off at him.

You also need to understand @reversegear that if you always pick the restaurant and make the arrangements, there will have been times when he privately thought that wasn’t where he would have preferred to go, but he nonetheless went and made the decision to enjoy it because spending time with you was more important to him than what he was eating or the service in the restaurant

Thank you, that makes sense half my mind is telling me this isn’t mine to control and to go along and be grateful but there’s another side saying, but it’s bare minimum and why couldn’t he have thought more about the menus the location the fact we’ve been there lots and found somewhere new.

OP, he has done what you asked of him! So please be grateful and at least meet him halfway by thanking him and enjoying your night out.