Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

It’s a bit contradictory thigh. You either want him to book it and he’s done exactly that’s she’s asked. He’s taken the lead and sorted it

now you’re saying that’s not good enough…..

I was wondering if I explained in the next session how I was feeling or how this made me feel in this moment, like disappointed and a bit frustrated, I also feel like I don’t trust this isn’t just a knee neck one off situation. Maybe this is what’s needed to understand my own reactions.

But you wouldn't say "he put effort in, he tried to find a new place" you would say -" completely ignored what he knows I like/doesn't know me at all/selfishly booked somewhere he would like..." If you are going to look for negatives you will find them.

I think you've checked out so much that whatever he does you will find a niggle /fault with. I dont mean that to sound I am getting at you. I hated it when all decisions land on me. It's mentally draining. I think my DP used to think he was being "kind" letting me make the decisions.

That does not make you a controlling nightmare - you just sound like him to be more dynamic, think out of his safe box.

I think with better communication you can improve but it will take time.

Im interested to know what the counsellor said you should do in this scenario and what they think you need to work on.

In this situation, take a step back.

1. The day after the session your husband has acted upon the guidance given. That’s prompt and shows he wants to try.
2. You’re going out to a place he knows you like. That shows he has thought about it despite what you think because I presume you go to more than just that one restaurant given you’ve been 6-7 times and you’ve been together a while.
3. He’s chosen an expensive restaurant which shows he probably thinks he has picked something special to treat you rather than going for a cheap place. That shows he cares and wants to try.

Your immediate response has been negative which shows where your head is. But if you genuinely want to try and make the relationship work and you’re not going to counselling as a box ticking exercise, then I think you do need to reflect on your own behaviour. I can understand you might have hoped for more but it says a lot that you feel “angry” about it. Looks like it’s your anger feeding your response. That’s not going to help your marriage so you need to reflect on yourself here.

I would absolutely not be suggesting he books elsewhere. Take his efforts with good grace even if it isn’t the perfect option you might have wanted. He has made a start. Go with an open mind and actually try and enjoy the evening. You need to help for him to feel comfortable with taking the lead. If he gets it wrong the first time he tries and you berate him then he will shut down. I suspect that might have happened before and could be why he doesn’t make decisions.

Marriages do take work. So put in yours.

Oh dear me - this poor man cannot be "on test" all the time! Cut him some slack, go and enjoy the meal, say thank you, and during the event say how great it is and "We must try some other places too." Be upbeat and stop wanting too much.

Not every relationship should be saved. Marriage/relationship counselling is a good start but sometimes you need to know when to leave. You have already checked out of the relationship, it feels like counselling in this case is just dragging out the inevitable. You don't sound like you really want to salvage it, perhaps too much has happened. Its okay to walk away but at least be honest.

I appreciate you haven't moaned at him personally regarding the restaurant. Don't. Go, enjoy and take this as a step in the right direction. Any indication that you aren't happy with his choice, and it's going to knock him back. Progress isn't going to happen overnight, and it may be baby steps.

My husband is Mr Organised and Mr Efficient, and is more than capable of booking anything and making decisions. I'm more laid back, but do book/plan things too...I guessed we're balanced!

He has taken the initiative and booked somewhere he knows that you like.

Afterwards say how much you enjoyed it and how you’d love if he booked somewhere once a month as a surprise.
Say you’d love it if he books different places each time so that you can both experience new things together (but you can’t moan if he gets it wrong).

I’d give it a couple of months if being positive and seeing that he’s trying and then see how you feel.

I honestly wonder if you are just done with the relationship now and that perhaps his ‘effort’ is too little too late.

My ex was like you describe your husband, my current partner sounds like you. I have to say both are uncomfortable relationship dynamics. The list where you identify strengths and allocate tasks dependent on those sounds like a good idea. I would focus on that rather than thinking about what restaurant he booked.

@reversegear did you mean to say you can relate or can’t?

I’m actually going to read that book! At least the kindle sample. I’m sure there is a lot of twaddle in it but I loved the review where the reader slammed it, then read it and came back and said once she’d actually read it there was a lot of helpful stuff in it.

I love my husband and I know he loves me and I think we are trapped by circumstance and thw weird family patterns we perpetuate, but I’m honestly displaying all the signs of burnout/ nervous breakdown to total exhaustion and need to change something somewhere. I can absolutely see that through no fault of my own I have actually become a bit control freaky because I genuinely can’t trust to get anything done unless I do it. I don’t want to get in to an online slagging him off contest but honestly…!

This. Great advice

I completely get your disappointment but I think his behaviour and the dynamic of your relationship is going to take a long time to shift with a lot of effort and patience on both sides. I think any progress is likely to be slow and the ride won’t be a smooth one as you are trying to undo really ingrained behaviours. It may be that you just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with this which is absolutely fair enough. So I think the options are either a) you accept this first step in good spirit and brace yourself for a long journey ahead that may or may not lead to where you want things to be or b) you knock things on the head now. My feeling is that you are leaning towards the second option. You’ve spent so long doing the adulting for two people that you really don’t want to wait for him to figure out and implement what he should have been doing all along. I guess you need to reflect on what else there is to your relationship or might be. Is there anything worth saving? It might be worth trying individual counselling to each figure out why you’ve taken on the roles you have, whether you ultimately decide to stay together or not. Good luck.

I would say in this instance I would be so thrilled my husband had booked something, anything, and especially as it was part of a therapy task, that this time o would just cheerfully go. But the chances of my husband booking something for me are very slim which makes me feel very sad writing that down.

There's a lot of defending the husband on this thread and suggestions that OP is overbearing and takes control. But if you've lived this, it's incredibly frustrating to be with a passive, indecisive person who happily leaves all decisions and arranging to you. You have no choice but to decide everything if the other person just doesn't. Nothing would happen, the old shabby carpet or broken furniture would never be replaced. I would never have had holidays and outings if I hadn't arranged them. DH would never decide when and where to go, would never book anything, and unless I wanted to stay home every day and evening of the year, I had to suggest options, eliminate those he said no to, choose something he was ok with, and say "I'm booking it now or never, are you ok with it?" He was happy to go, just couldn't be bothered making it happen.

An adult married man is being praised here for booking a restaurant. His wife is being criticised for not being thrilled that he's gone for somewhere she's previously booked several times, instead of putting a bit of thought into it. I understand that it's a step forward, but it's really a bit pathetic.

Oh god all of this. Solidarity, comrade.

I can’t reply to you all but some great advice and insight here thanks for taking the time, yes I did go straight negative and clearly that a pattern in my head I need to give a wobble. I’m grumpy at the moment as I’m so overwhelmed with life, elderly parents juggling big decisions and feel very unsupported and lonely and need a partner and it’s take me booking this for him to notice there’s even an issue.

Yes I am checked out currently but I’d like to think and know that I’ve given all the chances I can before walking away, there is nothing stopping me, in terms of children money, housing etc so I could very simply leave.

Im going to go tonight be grateful and enjoy the evening but I think I will talk about my first thoughts and how that straight to negative pattern can be worked on.

I genuinely just want a much simpler easier life and having a real partner to support that, I’d hand over so much that’s on my plate but when I’ve tried in the past he will do it for 3 months then just drops all the balls and I find out our house isn’t insured or the cars aren’t MOTd etc. It’s just non stop.

@Bestfootforward11 thank you really lovely post and very true.

I wouldn’t mention anything about the restaurant he’s booked.
He’s booked one that he knows you like and so by being negative it is going to lead to an argument.

Tbh I’m not sure why you’re not looking forward to this restaurant if you know you enjoy it.
He’s not a mind reader and didn’t know you wanted somewhere completely different.

But a few days after, I would mention about him picking somewhere different so that you can both try new things.

Why do you normally book that restaurant?

Oh god OP I was just going to give thw example of discovering our house was not being insured… our house wirh a massive mortgage that if something happened we would certainly not be able to have rebuilt. I am now in charge of all not just most insurances of course.

When a spouse is on test all the time it is very stressful.

Communication plus understanding are the key.

1. Understand that he is trying - he is doing something that does not come naturally to him to try and make you happy.
2. Communicate - enjoy your meal (in an expensive restaurant - how lucky are you!?) then say how you would love it if he did it again and how much you would like to try out different places.

Have you ever had a week away alone to think? Might make him buck his ideas up too?
Though if you don't love him it isn't fair on either of you. Does he know you don't love him?

OP, there’s no point posting about one thing your DH did ‘wrong’, asking our opinions and then dismissing everyone who disagrees by saying there’s a thousand other things he’s done wrong. Either you want to work on your marriage or you don’t; if you don’t, stop wasting your time and get out. If you do, you have to learn to reframe a situation like this positively:

• Appreciate this first small step; he was decisive but considerate enough to pick somewhere he’d know you’d like
• After the meal, tell him you appreciated him taking the initiative and had a great time. Let him know trying new things with him is something you love doing and you’d like to try [insert different options for cuisines/restaurants/other activities] next time

This way, he feels encouraged after his first attempt but you’ve communicated clearly what you’d like to see next. If he doesn’t listen, then you have a right to be annoyed but give him a chance.

I feel very sorry for your husband. You sound very domineering, controlling, and critical.